I was ready to blame others, including family, who've said negative things about my character in the past, thinking that I believed them, just because we always believe our family members are the ones who tell us the truth that no one else will. I figured something had stayed there and I'd never done anything but just believe the negative. However, as I analyzed the things that I remember being said to me in the past, I realized that was NOT where the blame lay. I am more skilled these days at not believing other's perceptions of me, whether from long ago, or more recent times. I'm more able to realize that what others are saying is only about their perceptions, not about the truth.
However, the more I thought about it, I realized that it was unfair to lay any blame at their feet. I couldn't think of anything that would lead to the thought I found hiding in my subconscious. What was the real truth? I finally realized that I was the person responsible. I was judging me. I knew every thought that goes through my mind, I knew how I perceived things. I knew the wrongs I'd done or thought in the past. With that knowledge, I judged me! I was the one that attacked myself and this led to the core belief about myself that was hiding in my subconscious much to my shock and dismay. I realized that I had more work to do. I needed to analyze the things that caused the negativity, and then to forgive what needed to be forgiven. I needed to be understanding and tolerant of things internally and lead myself to positivity in those areas. That's what I've been thinking about and working on this weekend. Truly learning how to make sure the positivity I've built about myself, is more than skin deep, and goes to the core beliefs that I hold internally.
In reading today I came across this statement.
- "In attacking others, we attack ourselves. In forgiving others, we forgive ourselves."
It's ringing a bell for me. I'm not sure yet all of the ramifications of this, as I need to think about it more. However, probably the thoughts I've had that are uncharitable and unkind (which I never would say), were attacks. I did attack myself, because I let myself down in allowing myself to judging and think harshly. I need to make sure that I forgive wrongs, because holding the grudges and the feelings, doesn't allow me to forgive myself for that which I need to forgive.
I've made lots of progress in working on my thinking and positivity in general during the last year. I also think that in general, I'm kind and charitable in my thoughts, about the people in my life. However, there are times that isn't true. This is what I need to work on now. The fallout from attacking others in my thoughts, only attacks me. The refusal to truly forgive some things, is causing me to not forgive myself. I've got my work cut out for me. I now know what my next area of learning and growth needs to be in.
- I'm grateful for the warmth from the sun. Today at lunch, I went outside and read. It was wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun, as I remember so many days in the winter and during stormy times I miss this.
- I'm grateful for the beauty of the mountains. I was looking at them today from the window at work. It's something I take for granted, living in a valley. They are truly majestic.
- I'm grateful for stories to read and get engrossed in. I'm reading the 4th book of a series and loving every minute of it.
- I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and to grow. I look back at the changes in my life over the past few years, and am so glad that I started this journey, took my first steps to change, and that I can continue to do so.
- I'm grateful for my gratitude logs. I now keep them every day. I'm starting to see a few things happen where I can see my perception changing and more positivity and enjoyment coming because I work so hard to find 5 things every single day to be grateful about, no matter how hard the day was. It's nice to see my gratitude and enjoyment of life grow through them.