Motivation

LOOOOk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  When reading my niece's blog a few weeks ago, she shared that she had printed her blog and posted a picture of her book.  I checked out the Blog2Print website and found myself excited at the idea.  The best part, my tax money had just come in, so I felt like I could splurge.

My book came in the mail this week.  It's just like I designed it.  I chose the cover to be green, since that's my favorite color.  I chose pictures I wanted on the front of the book as well as the back of the book.

\  Here is the front of my book!  This is a picture I took when I went to Cochlear Celebration in 2009!  It represented a joyful time for me, so I chose it for the front.  On a side note, the day after tomorrow, I'm taking off for Cochlear Celebration 2011!  I'm so excited at the fun times I'm sure are ahead!

  Here's the back of my book.  I put a picture from a convention known as ALDAcon (Association of Late Deafened Adults Convention).  I'm not a late deafened person (very early deafened), but they accept me anyway! :)  Anyhow, this picture was snapped by someone at the beginning of an evening of Karaoke.  The party had not yet gotten into full swing, and I was almost the only person on the dance floor.  The DJ was singing as he waited for us to get into the spirit of things and for more people to arrive.  I was ready to party and just jumped on the dance floor and started dancing!  He ended up throwing me the boa, and then later the air guitar and pulled me onto the stage to join him.  Since the picture represented the joy of "living in the moment", I had to put it on the back of the book.  Also, notice, there's even a bar coded ISBN number for my book! :)

 I snapped a picture of the book standing up, so you could see that it's a hard bound book!  The quality is great.  My niece noted in her blog, how printing the blog gave them a book to record their family history.  I may not have a family, but it's a little awesome to have in my hands a tangible history from the previous two years.  My little ones at home were quite tickled to open up my book and see pictures of themselves.  I guess when I'm long gone, they might regard my book as a little of their history, since I lived with them and put pictures of them on my blog occasionally! :) 

Yesterday I went and got my hair cut and a pedicure, in preparation for my trip.  As I sat there being pampered, I started to read my book from the beginning.  I was surprised at how much pleasure I got from this.  I've had people tell me I'm funny, but I thought they were just easily amused.  I guess I'm in that category of easily amused.  I found myself laughing and giggling quite a bit as I was reading.  The pedicurist and hair stylist must have thought I was nuts, reading a book adorned with me and laughing all the while.  I guess I'm enjoying my new favorite author:  ME!! :)

Quite some time ago, I lost my motivation to blog.  Guess what?  I have it back!  I am just dying to print out another book from this little place on the internet that I inhabit!  Feel free to check back in frequently and comment.  If you like what I write, comment!  I found that the comments from others are a big motivator for me.  Come back often and throw some bread crumbs into the comment section! :) 

My Sweet Valentine

Valentine's Day is not on my list of holidays I pay any attention to.  I've spent my life as a single woman, watching with disdain.  What was it other than just another reminder that there wasn't anyone special in my life to treat me special and for me to treat special? 

Today, I realized something profound.  Valentine's Day is simply a day to care and show your love.  It doesn't matter who it is.  I came upstairs to do my laundry and found Dalia, age 5 and Mac age 4 busily involved in decorating cookies.  With big smiles, I was told "Don't look!"  at the other end of the table from where they were decorating.  I gave them big hugs and kisses and told them I definitely wouldn't look.  They were just jumping from excitement. 

After I left the laundry room, they jumped up and down with the biggest smiles and handed me the above plate.  They'd gotten these plates, taken the time to put everyone in the family's name on their own plate, and then decorated a cookie just for that person.  It wasn't the cookie and the decorated plate that was so special, but what it reminded me of.  Two little sweet ones, faces filled with pleasure and expectations to give me a gift from their heart.  Oh, what a sweet holiday Valentine's Day is!  This Valentine's Day, I'll be flying out to Florida for a wonderful vacation.  However, I'm hopeful that next Valentine's Day, I'll remember the lessons of today and take the time to think of something special I can do for those I love on this one day dedicated for showing our love.

Positivity

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, as I usually do on Friday.  This little trip turned into a little mini-lesson on positivity.  After I collected all my groceries, I went to stand in the check out line.  Just before time to move up to being the customer being checked out, a little elderly gentleman came and stood behind me in line.  With a twinkle in his eyes he  said, "Thanks for saving me this spot in line!".  He moved with much difficulty and was shopping with his wife, who was in a wheelchair.  She's so infirm that she couldn't even really hold her head up, it was resting on her shoulder.  I couldn't even seen her eyes.  Here's a man, obviously having difficulty getting around himself, coupled with a wife who's obviously unable to care for herself (translating to what a difficulty that must be for him to care for her in his limited condition), smiling with joy and engaging the stranger in front of him in a positive manner. 

That wasn't all of it.  The checker who was responsible for my line was quite a vivacious lady.  As I was moving to the counter and she waited for the customer before me to leave, so I could head for the counter, she was smiling and sang a short and sweet little ditty, "I'm in my happy spot!"  She was exuding joy rather than just doing her job.  What a positive line I'm in.  As she checked me out, the gentleman behind me talked about how lucky he was to be in her line.  She said to me, they always come to my line and I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to check them out.  Talk about positivity and smiles abounding in an ordinary experience of checking out the groceries and paying.  The gentleman reached in his pocket and pulled out a well worn fake credit card looking document.  I don't remember what was on the other side that I saw as he put it away, but on the side I he showed me it said, "The happy smile checker".  It was obvious to me that he looks for and creates happy smiles. 

What a joy and what a little lesson to remember amidst the regular routines of our lives.  This gentleman gets around with much difficulty, obviously caring for a wife who is extremely limited.  His life has to be difficult.  Yet he is choosing to greeting it with positivity, engaging with people in his pathway with positivity and choosing joy.  The checker choosing to do her job with a sunny disposition, joy and even singing a song about being in her happy spot was also another lesson in choice.  There was less than 5 minutes there in that line with joy and happiness being radiated, positivity exuding.  What a heaven life would be like if the rest of us were choosing to focus and find positivity in our life in this way?  I felt transformed.  Ordinary checkers are just doing a job and getting through the day.  Ordinary old men with severely disabled spouse to care for and very limited mobility themselves are usually struggling and I viewed them as really being a case of people, "enduring to the end" and possibly hoping it comes sooner rather than later.  What I saw was an extraordinary lesson in the choosing our attitude and choosing to live in joy in the "now" no matter how difficult or tedious.

I've made lots of progress in learning to be happy and positive no matter what.  This little powerful little 5 minute or less mini-lesson is something I'm grateful to get.  I think things happen for a reason, and this might be teaching me more about how to expand, improve and carry on in positivity.  Can I bring smiles optimism in my chance encounters of all those who cross my path?  That is my next challenge.

What a Life! What a Job!

I've now got almost a full month under my belt, working in our Parent Infant Program with babies and toddlers from 0 to 3 and their parents.  I can't believe how I feel about this job, and how my life has led me to be able to even do this. 

If you see my "Before" picture on the side of this blog, you might have imagined this is a woman who couldn't sit on the floor, or at least couldn't do so easily.  Well, I'm so grateful I lost all that weight and changed my perspective.  If I hadn't undergone all this change, I don't think it would have been remotely possible for me to do this job.  At 387 lbs, falling on the floor was a nightmare.  I couldn't get up.  Fast forward 5 years, and here I am sittting on the floor playing with little babies and toddlers.  This job has been a little slow to ramp up, as I've had difficulty getting ahold of all the parents to schedule my visits.  However, my very first toddler is a little 2 1/2 year old cutie.  During my first visit where I worked with her, it was pure delight to be down on the floor laughing and playing with her.  At one point, I actually laughed and said, "I can't believe I get paid to do this!  What a job!".

Not only do I get to play with the kids, I get to sing with them too.  It's actually funner than I thought it would be.  What a way to teach.  This little toddler is way behind due to being recently adopted from another country where there were no hearing aids and and auditory stimulation AND being profoundly deaf.  I had a lot of trepidation because I don't know 0 to 3 age group yet.  However, much to my amazement, I actually know a lot more than I think.  Not only that, I could see what hasn't been happening that needed to happen.  The mother is "thirsty" for all the information I feed her and takes my suggestions and runs with it. 

Tonight, I sit and reflect on this child, with whom I'm starting my 3rd week of working with.  I'm all smiles as I reflect.  Why?  I can actually see progress!  I've made a difference.  Her mom and I kept being excited and celebrating today at the things that she was doing.  She's got a lot way to go, and needs that cochlear implant sooner rather than later.  However, how rewarding it is to be new in a job and feeling I have so much to learn, but at the same time seeing what I do makes a difference!  How exciting to have a mom who prior to my visit has felt alone without the support she needed, actually be excited at the progress her child has made in the last 3 weeks.

The coolest thing was at only my 2nd visit, the mom said to me, "I'm so sad that I'm going to lose you."  I was puzzled and confused.  I had JUST started working with this little child.  I'm not going anywhere.  I asked her what she meant, and she says, "She's turning 3 in February and you'll be gone when she goes to preschool".  I promised her that we could still be friends after her child leaves my caseload and enters preschool.  It's so rewarding to have such immediate feedback that I'm important to this family and to actually see a difference in this darling little girl. 

Five years ago, I couldn't have ever seen my  life the way it is today.  I decided to renovate my life, one step at a time, without a real clear picture of how to do that, other than to start losing weight.  All the other steps after that unfolded bit by bit.  I'm so grateful for the journey. 

Life's Little Joys (A Photo Essay)

All three came down to "spend time" with me.  Amazing they all three fit into one chair!  They're growing so fast, I don't think that will last for long!

"What ice cream?  I don't see any"  (Me thinks someone ate it all!)

This is how I spend HOURS of my time.  Pure bliss!  A slice of heaven!

"What?  Why wait to put on my swim trunks and take off my shoes!  The water was calling my name!"

"I'm no baby, I don't belong in the stroller you're pushing.  I'm a big boy and pushing my own stroller!  So there! "

"My mom says I can really 'Rock my speedo'.  Daddy seems to agree, but my big brother is too busy preparing to dive down and join Spongebob to care what I'm wearing!"

Three generations having a ball at the little 4th of July carnival!

The most AWESOME roommates in the world!  I couldn't get any luckier!

The Future Is In My Hands

Life is bringing me more changes. For a long time, I've felt that I needed out of my current career. I had hope that something better was out there for me.


I never imagined that possibly the new career that I was dreaming about and could be passionate about was in my current career. My professional life got thrown upside down when I was given my new teaching assignment for next year. My new students grade level? Well, geeze they don't have a grade level. Actually, you can only categorize them my age: birth to 3 years.


The picture above of my little great nephew's hand in mine, now represents to me all those little babies I will now teach. I'm awed at the possibilities. I'm going to be part of thr process by which a deaf baby learns to listen and talk. During the past year or so, I've thought a more than a few times about our PIP (Parent Infant Program), what was missing and what it needed. I felt it wasn't keeping up with all that was needed with all the technology that we have in this day and age. Deaf kids need the right start in life to really maximize their potential. With the technology of cochlear implants and digital hearing aids, research that has taught us about the critical work being done in the brain and how it impacts the outcome for the deaf baby; I felt something was wrong. However, not having any involvement in this program; it was nothing I'd ever be involved in improving.


Times change. We hired a new superintendent this year. He is one that realized that there were huge needs and improvements needed for these little deaf babies and toddlers. He's hired a new team and this program is being changed drastically in all the right ways. The new director of PIP says this department will be the premiere department of our school. Little ole' me, I'm going to part of all this change. I never could have imagined. What I also could never have imagined, is that I'm excited for the new challenges and opportunities. It's going to be hard work. It's going to be HUGE change. Oh, yes...I'm going to have to study hard and learn lots. Despite it all, I'm excited.



Little babies, their parents and families are in my future now. Conversely, I'm in their future. My work with them sets the foundation for their life ahead. I can't think of anything more important. I'm honored and thrilled.

Seasons of Life

Life has been trying for the last few months, more for others that I care about than for myself personally. The last 8 or so months, I've watch my niece go through such a long drawn out process of find a brain tumor, going through two rounds of chemotherapy, all while trying to raise three little ones and hold down a job. Up until January, I at least was able to help out a bit here at home with the little ones. Now, I'm taking 6 credits worth of classes and struggling to keep up with school while still working my full time job. I feel sad, to not be able to help out.

I want to do more to help. Instead, I come downstairs to my little domain; studying and working my brains out. Anyone out there care that the quadratus lumborum originates from the iliac crest and the iliolumbar ligament and inserts into vertebrae T12 and L1 through L4, with the action of pulling down the last rib and fixing the rib cage? Anyone? Bet there are no takers. In the grand scheme of things, it's irrelevant. However, I was forced to care, due to a test that was coming up.

For something I don't care about, the stress ran high last week most of the stresses were unimportant in the grand scheme of things, others were life changing, when it comes to the health of others. I was worried about my niece , wanting to help out as well and not being able to. It didn't help matters when my professor sent out an email last Monday inviting those who didn't have the time to devote to drop the class before this next test (halfway through the semester no less). After 5 years of teaching this class, this next test was the one where every one's grades tends to drop precipitously, hurting their chances for grad school (many in the class are taking this as a prerequisite to entering grad school in Speech and Language pathology). He warned them it would be easier to take the class again when they had the time, than to struggle with the bad grade they couldn't fix. I knew I had to study my brains out. I'd already been working hard every night and 12 hours on Saturdays. Last week I studied until nearly midnight every night, doubling the amount of hours I studied per night.

On the top of all these worries about my niece, worries about my test, I was also sick (yeah I've had some kind of cold or something going on that effects my asthma pretty badly). Oh yes, on top of having to studying my guts out, on Tuesday I had to go through my yearly observation and evaluation at work; I was on edge as I HATE those. Amidst all the stress, Was it any wonder I wanted to just eat? Food has historically been my balm through difficult times. I guess I will always be someone who wants to eat when things are tough. I will always have to battle this one.

My week is over, and the stress that can be over is over. At work, I got a glowing evaluation from my director. I guess maybe I am a better teacher than I thought! I earned my highest grade all semester on the test we were all warned we would not succeed in if we didn't put our nose to the grindstone. Food wise, I didn't go nuts. I managed to lose half a pound this week despite it all. My asthma still is pretty bad, but really, I don't feel lousy. So I count that good.

Of course it was the minor stresses that leave your life as quickly as they come in. Tests, evaluations, colds/flu's and etc. are very minor. The hardest stuff is that which you have no control over. This brain abscess seems pretty scary right now, and when my niece has seizures and other side effects; I worry excessively. By the same token, what we are living with here in Salt Lake is nothing near what is happening to loved ones a state away. I wish I could be there with my Idaho and Oregon nieces, supporting them, as they watch their mother losing her battle with cancer.

I guess if we think about it; maybe stress is a part of life. If everything was easy; we wouldn't be challenged and be able to grow. Like everyone, I'd rather everyone in my life could skip the sorrow, health challenges, and loss. I guess I need to just remember, that for every time there is a season, a season for sorrow, a season for joy and etc. Whatever we need to endure, we need to find hope and courage to get through them, knowing that this too shall pass. Somehow I find that more comforting if I think of only myself. However, when I think of those I love, I want to spare them those seasons and wish they didn't have to endure. I wish for any readers comfort through the seasons of sorrow that may be yours, and wish for you season of joy around the corner. May you find comfort from some corner, when in the difficult times of life.

An Article about me!

AOL apparently has a website called, "That's Fit". A week or two ago, I was interviewed by their reporter via email. I was asked to send photos as well as answer a bunch of questions. For anyone that's interested, click on the title above and you'll go to the link. Or, you can click on it here:

http://www.thatsfit.com/2009/12/28/ann-lost-238-pounds-and-renovated-her-life/

There was one big error, they say I've maintained the weight since April 2008. Don't know where that came from. Other than that, everything is pretty much reported as I said! Hope you guys enjoy reading it!

Lessons Learned from a One Year Old

For the last 13-14 months, I've had the pleasure of living with a baby and watching him grow. There have been lots of little lessons along the way, as I've watched him continually develop and grow from month to month. However, it's been really eye opening for me in the last couple of months, as I've watched him learn to walk. He took his first steps on his first birthday. If he thought about it, he wouldn't think he could walk. However, as he walked between his mother and me, then his mother and father, he'd be so excited about the person that he was going to, that his body just took over and he'd make it.

After his first steps, I expected him to be off and running. I took off for a week to attend a convention in Seattle just a few days after his birthday. I figured that although he hadn't yet realized he could walk, by the time I came home in a week, he would be off and running. Maybe he'd walk to me when I got back in town, or so I thought.

Wrong! If you're a parent, you already know it doesn't happen that fast. Never having been a parent, I'm learning what it's really like as an "old lady"! (said tongue in cheek) As he spent the next couple of months mastering the walking, it was very instructive to me to watch his progress and how he worked through different stages.

At first, he would have his arms shoulder high to keep himself balanced, and heaven forbid there was anything at all on the floor, no matter how small....he would fall. Eventually over time he learned how to keep his balance and the arms finally came down. Unfortunately, he still fell over any little thing on the floor, especially the riser between the kitchen and the living room. All of a sudden, I noticed, he wasn't falling anymore when he went over the riser, nor over the little obstacles. He was learning how to balance. I also noticed that though he'd initially learned to walk, he didn't know how to get up. He'd crawl to the next object that he could use to get himself up and off he'd go again. He had a lot of failures, especially in the beginning. It took a lot of time and a lot of perseverance.

If you compared his walking to many of the things that we attempt to do. How often do we just simply say, "I can't" and don't even try? The most frustrating student I ever had were the ones who refused to try, and simply said, "I can't", no matter how many times and ways I tried to show them they could. Thankfully the babies haven't acquired the "learned helplessness" I've seen in some students, as a teacher. The night he took his first steps, if he thought about it, he would think he couldn't and not try. However, he had his eyes on the face of a loved one and wanted to go as we encouraged him on. Even once he had done it, he didn't master it, or even fully realized what he could do. He fell a lot. His attempts were few at first, but as he practiced, over time, the attempts increased. Really, he'd probably walked a hundred times and he was still falling and somewhat wobbly; but still, he never gave up. How many of us quit after trying a few times and failing a few times? Do we keep trying and trying and appreciating the small gains? Really, the gains were not quick and immediate by any means, but they were there. I could see them, even though I'm sure he couldn't. He just had faith that he could eventually walk, and kept on going

Babies see people walk and want to walk. No matter how often they fall, how long it takes them to get better at balancing, getting up, or just not falling if they walk over a book or something; they keep trying. They've not been taught to think in terms of failure. They just see what they want, realize they can do something and keep trying and trying. Each of us had to have had perseverance at some point in our lives in order to walk. That's just one example. There are many other skills that we learn on our way from babyhood to growing up. We didn't just wake up and say, oh, I've developed enough to keep my balance and walk, and master it. We failed, and we failed a lot...we never gave up.

I think somehow we forget the lessons and learn how to think, "I can't" or "I'll never get it", or "I'll never be as good as so and so" or various other ways to talk ourselves out of trying new things in our life.

It's also been interesting in watching this little baby, that he takes his clue on how to think from us. One day, I actually fell down the stairs, while I was holding him. Thankfully, we go in slow motions during emergencies, and I was able to get my hand out to hold his head in a way that his head wouldn't hit the floor, but if anything did it was my hand. When we fell, oh my, it hurt me, but all I could see was his face looking at me in surprise. He didn't know what to think. When all I did was tell him reassuringly in a soothing voice, with a smile on my face, "It's OK Finn, you didn't hit your head", he was fine and didn't get upset at all. I told him this accident was OK, so no crying or upset happened. I remember another time he bit me pretty hard in the stomache without realizing it and I reacted in pain saying , "OW!" and pushed his head away. He saw my reaction and immediately started crying, because my reaction upset him. That was minor compared to falling down the stairs!

Through some of these experiences with him in various situations, I really began to realize how he looked to me for how to react or interpret things. He doesn't know. If something happens, and I take it in good stride, so does he. If I don't, neither does he. It kind of hits home the point to me that we can control how we react. We aren't negative and upset because of a situation; but rather because of how we have chosen to react. Most of these reactions are so automatic, we don't realize we are making a choice and do have control. Just like a baby looks to us to learn how to perceive the world, we can consciously look inward and choose other ways to react.

When I fell down the stairs, I chose to react in a soothing calming manner just for Finn's sake. Had I not had him in my arms, my reaction would have been totally different. If I can control my emotions and reactions to be positive ones for him, why can't I do it for myself. Truth be told, I can. My goal right now, is to continue to look to this little baby in my life and continue to learn the lessons to help me evolve and grow as I deal with life's obstacles little and big.

Just because I'm writing about Finn, I'll play the doting great aunt and share some photos. Here he is, at 8 months, wearing the bow from his big sister's birthday presents on her 4th birthday!

I have lots of photos of him sleeping in my arms. He loves to come downstairs to my area of the house and take his naps with me. I treasure the moments. Holding him and looking at his sweet face, makes me live in the "Now" and treasure the moments.

He is so tickled in this little picture that he has a little chair that fits him! I managed to catch him for just a brief moment of delight, before he was off and running again!

Here he is the evening of his first birthday, enjoying his cake. This picture was taken before he took his first steps between me and his mom.

Writer's Block

I always thought "writer's block" was a fictional term. I'm always able to write at the drop at the hat. However, I now think it's real, and it's most likely a term that describes a mixture of thoughts and feelings that cause one to lose interest in writing. For quite a while, I figured I didn't have anything to write about.

However, that hasn't been true in the last month or two. After my recent trip to a convention in Seattle, the recent Utah Chapter AG Bell Conference, I've had at least two separate posts that I could enter. As I sit hit attempting to craft a post, my interest in posting the entries wanes. I checked in on my blog counters and see people are still stopping by to check my blog out. Guilt begins to register, in not providing something interesting to read for those taking the time to check in. Hence my new topic about my writer's block. It's my attempt to say "Hi", to everyone who checks in and let you know that I'm alive and well.

In my household, my niece has been undergoing chemo therapy for a brain tumor. Much of my spare time during the first round of the chemo was all about helping out with the kids. By the time I get down to my rented portion of the house for the night, there's been no interest in personal endeavors. In fact the week I was gone for the convention in Seattle, I was riddled with guilt at not being here to help out.

She's between rounds of chemo at the moment, but laid up flat in bed with pneumonia. So I'm back to spending a lot of my time off work just trying to help out. Maybe between my job (by the way I quit the 2nd job at the post office a couple of months ago, to spend the weekends taking care of my great nephew who's parent was working horrendous hours during the weekend. I felt someone needed to jump in and help out, because the hours the young boy was having to spend alone just wasn't good for a child his age. So my time that has not been spent working, has often been spent helping out with my niece's kids or my nephew's kid.

Personal fun on the computer? Non-existent! When I had moments to myself, which are rare and far between, the last thing I wanted to do was be on the computer. Perhaps this is the real reason behind the writer's block.

My nephew is returning to regular work hours in the winter, so my weekends that were spend with his son, will return to being my own, at least until I start taking some college classes for a program I've been admitted to. When my niece gets past the pneumonia, there will be a brief spell of free time, before she starts the second round the day after Thanksgiving. I will work on getting past my 'writer's block" and updating my friends and family who check in on the latest events in my life! Meanwhile, thanks to everyone who still cares and checks in, even though I've been virtually absent!