Living With A Stranger

• My hands are cold, I put them up to my neck and shoulders to warm them. Instead, I find a bony clavicle pointing out. I can't find a nice section of fat-padded skin to warm them on anywhere now.
• I lay in bed before going to sleep, playing some games on my PDA, my arms struggle to get comfortable, as they rest on a rib cage. No padded pillow under my skin exists anymore.
• I attempt to rest my arms on my stomach as I lay in bed, and instead, I feel the hip bone protruding through.
• I stare at my arms, no longer do I need to tell the phlebotomist where the vein is that I call "Old Faithful". Instead of taking my word for it, despite not feeling or seeing the vein, they now can see the vein that leads to Old Faithful as it snakes up my arm, all the way to the needle site. I now see and feel many blue veins trailing up my arm.
• I rest one hand on my leg as I drive the car down the freeway. Suddenly, I lift the leg to move my foot over to another peddle. Under my hand I feel a muscle tighten, and the narrow bone underneath it. Wow, I never realized how skinny my bone is, or felt my muscles at work before.
• My hand rest on my knee and feels its bony curvature. Gone is the time where x-rays had to be used by my doctor as he inserted a needle under the knee cap; when they just couldn't feel the knee cap and be sure where it goes.
• I see old friends that I've not seen for years. They look at me and see a stranger. They don't have a clue who I am. I have to tell them, it's me, their old friend of many years. Shock registers on their faces, as they realize they do know this stranger after all.
• I see size x2 in the store as I walk by and think, my gosh, those are huge pants. Yet at one time, I remember they weren't big enough for me at all.
• I couldn't find much to wear in my size, because I was just plain too big. Now, I'm finding myself hunting through sparse selections, because, it appears I might be getting too small. Huh?
• I wonder, how long will it take before I get used to this new stranger I live with? Don't misunderstand, I love this new stranger, but it's amazing how much I still struggle to adapt in my mind to the body I now inhabit. I wonder, how long will it take for it to feel normal, or at least familiar to me?

What's a blog?

I'm beginning to think that I no longer know what a blog is, the way I've been neglecting mine. I don't know why I've had so little interest in the fun parts of the computer. During the summer I avoided the computer like the plague. Now that I'm back at school, I work on it at the office, and avoid it like the plague at home. My own home computer crashed last week and I have no idea if I'm even interested in even taking it in for diagnosis, or replacing. I certainly can't afford to replace it.

I finally took a BIG step. I quit my 2nd job. Money will be tight and I will have to learn to pinch my pennies. Initially I contemplated quitting as it was impossible, in my mind, to work two jobs 7 days a week, and take two classes in a semester; and still maintaining my sanity. My endorsement program and it's prerequisites are going to have to wait until January to begin. The program is at Utah State in Logan, so I'd have to take the classes online. Well, long story short; they didn't have the accommodations in place to provide captioning for the online classes. In January it should be in place. Until then I have a reprieve!

I could have continued to work two jobs until January. Inside, I was dragging my heels at that idea, despite the need for money. However, recently a family situation came up with my extended family, where I saw a ahuge need. I have a young family member I feel strongly that I need to be there for on the weekends. Once, I realized the need; it was easy...I quit my job the next day. I'll figure out a way to get by financially. Family matters before all else in my life.

I just realized that when I write so seldom, my blogs are boring! I end up just reporting the latest and don't even try to be entertaining. I'll work on turning over a new leaf! Maybe I can end this boring post with a comment about something that is boggling my mind when I contemplate.

In December 2005 I was wearing a size 30 or 32. I was more or less moving into size 32 at the time, as my size 30 clothes were getting to be too tight and too uncomfortable. A couple of weeks ago I went to buy some new pants for school, as all mine were too baggy. The size: (prepare for your mind to boggle!) Size 6!!! SIX!!! VII!!! How is that possible? It blows my mind every time I even contemplate it! My weight then, 387. Nearly 400. My weight this morning (150!!!!) I'm about to hit the 140's! How is this possible! I know I did it, but it's hard to believe I DID it! :)