Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks

Challenge Myself to Change

2011-12-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a few entries ago, about a book I'm reading called "Aspire", by Kevin Hall. I've been tackling about a chapter a week, so I can work my way through it thoughtfully, to absorb the material and apply it in ways that I need to.

Last week's chapter was called "Humility". It was very interesting reading, because through explaining the origins of the word, when it comes right down to it, in explaining this word, I see it in a far different way than I had ever seen it. Kevin explained that "The origin of "humility" is the Latin word, "humus" meaning soil, specifically rich, dark, organic soil. When a seed is planted in fertile soil, it transforms into something far greater." Basically, he says that, "When we have sufficient humus in our lives, we grow and develop, and foster those around us to flourish. Humility produces growth.

If we think we know it all, we are not open to growth in essence. We need to be open to learning and growing at all times. He then told about when he was the head of sales and training division at Franklin (a company he'd work for before). They wanted to find out what was it that separated the top producers, that made several hundred thousand a year, from those who made a tenth of that. They had an outside consulting firm come in to find out. What they found was that every one of the top producers were avid and devoted learners. They each read at least two dozen books a year and were applying the knowledge they were learning.

This caused me to do quite a bit of reflection. Reading has always been something I enjoyed, particularly in my early years. However, through the years, I developed quite a TV addiction. When I was in my 20's closed captioning came onto the scene. I enjoyed watching some TV then. However, through the years I struggled with depression, health problems, weight gain and etc. TV became my lifeline. It became the one thing I could look forward to. In the beginning also, deafness and my inability to deal well with it at that time, caused lots of isolation. TV was my sole world, once I finished my work day. Reading quit being something I would do. It was escapism in to TV that helped me to survive.

Over the last few years, I have made lots of personal growth, especially during the period of times that I was losing my weight. I worked on growth in my mind and spirit. I did cut back a little bit on TV watching, once I moved in a household with a family, vs when I'd lived alone. However, the truth was, I am still addicted. First thing that happens when I come home, is turning on TV. I may snuggle with the little, ones, spend some time with them; always, yet always keeping an eye on the TV.

After I read about the top performers and that their success in their profession had everything to do with what they did in their free time to grow and learn. I realized that it was time for me to take some big steps. I needed to return to the person that loves to read, rather than the person depending on the crutch of TV. It was tough to take this step, but I went to my DVR and cancelled the majority of the programs I had set to record for the week. I kept the news and a bare handful of shows, not more than an hour, if that, a night. This is in stark contrast to the fact that I always recorded 6 hours a day while I was at work, in addition to night time programs. I know that I want to make some major growth in my life. I want to become the person that I want to me, and make the growth that I want in my life. If I want to become successful at this, I need to be willing to take the time required to nurture myself, to plant the seeds for growth. While these top performers were performing professionally, I want to become a top performer personally. That will take a commitment to learning and growing.

I survived the week much better than I would have, mostly because I had to put in some 11 and 12 hours days for work, with my Boot Camp on top of that. So I was rarely home. However, there were a couple of times I sat down and turned on the TV and felt at a loss, as there was nothing recorded to watch. I still had a hard time turning my focus to reading. I'd check FB, then want to play games since nothing was on TV. So my work is just beginning and I have far to go to create the discipline needed to engage in the learning.

I realize that I'm just beginning. I was re-reading the chapter this morning, thinking about what I want to do. Continue the experiment or what? The first thought was, sure, cancel it one more week; then let everything record again. Why? I'm going to be off work for two weeks. I was truly afraid to be without all my programs when I all of a sudden have lots of personal time. Then I realized that this was a challenge I had to take. I needed to cancel all the series I had set to record period, not just week by week decide if I'd cancel recordings or keep them. I need to really challenge myself to work on my growth, learning and reading; especially during the time I have off work. I need to break the addiction and open myself up to learning opportunities and growth. With that in mind, I went to my DVR just prior to writing this, and cancelled all my daily series recordings. I'm ready to take the journey ahead!

Do Little Tiny Mini Goals Matter?

2011-11-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was reading a chapter in the book Aspire by Kevin Hall. He was telling a story about a quadriplegic who had decided he was going to do something quite extraordinary; Ride a hand tricycle 513 miles from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas. The quest starts out quite euphoric with everyone cheering him on, but it wore on for hours and hours, the cheering crowd was gone and the tasks became much more difficult for many reasons. His hands had to be taped to the bars to keep them going. Temperature variations from the low riding hand tricycle from the pavement didn't help a body unable to regulate temperature well. Lots of obstacles were thrown in his way. In the middle of the night, as he cycled away, with difficult terrain amongst a host of other problems, he was going about 2 miles an hour and struggling. His father checked in with him. He suggested that instead of counting the mile markers as a measure of his progress, why doesn't he count the yellow lines in the middle of the road? They come by much more quickly. He did just that and managed to finally make it into Vegas.

While I did find the story interesting and somewhat inspirational, it didn't click with me until a couple of days later. I was traveling for work and spending the night at a hotel in St. George. I had decided that since I couldn't work out that day, I would go to the hotel gym and do my best. Due to a "bone on bone" knee situation, I'm supposed to use the machines that go up and down with your feet and caused no impact on the knee (sorry I don't know what they are called), rather than a regular treadmill. I got on the machine and found that the weight pressure required for each step was set too high. I couldn't figure out how to adjust the level/tension/pressure the machine required with each step. I am a person who walks 3 miles an hour, when I walk. Yet here I was on this machine struggling like the dickens to walk 1.5 miles an hour. That's how slow I was walking.

As time moved on, I was becoming very fatigued and ready to just hop off. Normally, I would have maybe lasted 10 minutes and decided it was too much. However, due to the lessons I learned last week during Hell Week at Boot Camp, I knew I needed to do more. I couldn't just quit and give up. There were no other machines of this type, so I was a little stuck. As I watched the tenths of a miles markers on the display, thinking, "Gosh, I'm struggling, I can't believe I need off after slightly over .50 of a mile."

All of a sudden, I remembered the story about the quadriplegic man riding his hand bike 513 miles, and reading about all the struggles and obstacles that came to him. He struggled to reach his goal. Then he started counting the yellow lines in the road, since they came more often than miles markers. I decided to apply that same kind of logic here. I really didn't want to quit at all, before I got at least a mile in. I thought, Why not count down on the display that would go from .50, to .51 to .52 and etc? I would challenge myself to get to the next number. When the number changed, my challenge began again, to stay on until I reached the next number again. So it went minute by minute, or half minute by half minute of 'little tiny goals'. For example, at .69 I challenged myself to make it to .70, then to .71, then to .72. This continued on until I finally reached my ultimate goal 1.00, the complete mile! It took me 45 minutes to do that mile, and it was the hardest mile I'd ever done. I was elated (and also dripping with sweat!), when 45 minutes after I began, I was able to get off the machine with the display at 1.00 and my full mile completed.

This hotel workout gave me a clarity of understanding of one of the lessons the author of my book may have been trying to get across. Yes, when the task is hard and difficult; you need to not only set a big overall goal, but you need to set little tiny mini goals when the task is so hard/overwhelming that you don't feel you can do it. I was able to understand thoroughly how counting the yellow stripes in the middle of the road kept the quadriplegic man cycling all the way to the end and reaching the goal he had set out to achieve.

As I reflected on the lesson I was internalizing. I realized that I had "sort of" done the same thing once before in my life. When I set out in 2005 at 387 lbs, to loose weight, I did have an "end weight" I was trying to achieve. However, I never once allowed myself to think in terms of how many more pounds I had to lose, and then be overwhelmed. Instead, I chose to weigh with my back to the scale, and only to have them tell me how much weight I lost that week. I'd celebrate the week, and add it to the total......all the way to my goal. I realized that in a different way, I'd broken off a huge chunk by looking at it in little tiny increments, week by week and celebrating each week. Just like I broke the mile down by little increments and celebrated internally that I was still going for it as the numbers every so slowly crept upward.

The Ingredients of Determination

2011-11-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, I survived Hell Week. I'm still absorbing some of the lessons that I learned this week. As I ponder today, I think one of the most important ones I'm pondering on is that of determination.

There are many times where I've had desire to make a change, but done nothing. I've always known that I'm the kind of person who once I set my mind to something, it will be done. (Note my journey that made it possible to lose 238 lbs) The problem was, how do I make myself move beyond desire and into determination? I'd spend a lot of time not doing anything towards that which I wanted, just because the desire didn't move towards determination.

This week, I followed through on a desire to begin to have another tool to help me to lose the weight I gained and be able to maintain weight loss easier. Because I've often wondered what was lacking in making me "determined", my senses as to what's happening were particularly acute as I pondered what exactly happened that allowed me to be determined for a change. Therefore, I've come up with what I believe are some of the key ingredients necessary to move from desire to determination and actually achieving what you want.

The ingredients of determination are 1) smacking down and not allowing any negative thoughts to begin 2) being positive about and envisioning what my outcome will be and the goals I can meet by doing this thing, and 3) making no excuses. Mix those together, you have developed a batter I will call "focus". With this new focus of the mind, you are suddenly able to just "find a way to make it possible" and you achieve the impossible!

When the negative thoughts starts, I immediately stop it and counteract it by saying, "I'm going to do it" I won't allow my mind to start the train of thoughts that would allow myself to begin thinking about all the obstacles and being scared of it or what not. I would instead envision meeting the goals that I so wanted to meet, and be so hopeful that my newest endeavor would lead me there. I've come to realize recently that I am the "queen of excuses" which has been to my detriment time and time again. Yet, when it comes to getting determination, I won't even accept an excuse. It shows me that I do have it within myself to stop the excuses, because I've proved I know how to do it. As I thought about the mindset that I acquire when I'm not allowing negativity or excuses, and building positivity; I realized that my brain is now focused on what I'm planning to achieve. With that focus, I just can't help but succeed and achieve what it is I want. It is that focus that says, "find a way to make it possible".

For example, if I wasn't determined to do boot camp, it's something I typically would've said, 1) It's too expensive, I can't afford it and 2) I don't have the time, my schedule is too unpredictable and not in my control every day. However, because I was determined, those never even entered my mind. Each time the problems came up, I just figured out how to solve it. I figured out where to get the money, in the beginning to afford it. Then as I started the daily work outs, I had to make a lot of extra effort to make it fit in my schedule. In addition, I went to my colleague that schedules all our our team appointments, and told her that for the rest of the year, if she has to make appointments that won't get me back in time to work out before it closes (and I gave her a specific time), that she needs to make sure that she doesn't start out morning appointments before a specific time that would allow me to get in and do the morning work outs. I was focused, so I didn't anticipate or dwell on the difficulties. I just did what I wanted to, and then found a way to solve each issue that arose. Wow! Eye opening to realize that.

I've also found determination just in trying to complete all the specific difficult exercises I'm give, for the number of reps required. Instead of saying, "I can't" which I would do without determination, I'd say to myself, "I will". When I had no breath left (lung damage coupled with 30 lbs added to the burden on my lungs) and the instructor would check in to see if I was OK, instead of saying I can't because (and I had a GOOD reason), I said, "I'm OK, I'm just catching my breath, and I'll continue until I finish. Determination.

I'm really grateful for the lesson I'm learning about determination. I think these is something I will need to revisit again and again. I know there are new goals and desires I have. If I allow myself to go down my usual path, it's unlikely I'll achieve them. I will always need to think about what is happening internally. Am I allowing negativity? Am I not envisioning reaching the goal and being positive? Am I making excuses? If the answer is yes, then of course I'll know that is why I have no focus. I've got a recipe for helping myself to get back on track now! I'm grateful for this new awareness! Now it's Happy trails as I continue to embark on my recent journeys! :)

I Survived!

2011-11-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

It was a windy, dark and cold morning, 6:00 a.m. to be exact. Bundled up in long johns, a turtle neck, fleece sweater, a coat, a pair of pants, 3 socks and gloves, I arrived for my last Hell week workout. I was quickly outfitted with a 30 lb vest, and paint streaks (to resemble either mud or war paint?) were put on my face. I joined a company of 20 some odd people at attention, waiting for the orders and instructions to follow.

I'm the woman who would never wake up at 5:00 a.m. for anything. On top of that, I would NEVER wake up early to exercise of all things. Yet, here I was, a 54 year old, formerly obese 387 lb, oxygen tank dependent woman, doing something I never in my wildest dreams would have pictured myself doing. Our workout ended just as it was starting to get a little light on the top of a little hill in the park with 65 situps. After those were finished, I was surprised with a little ceremony for the three of us there, who were finishing up Hell Week. Music of some sort was played (have no idea what type, as I had my hearing devices off to prevent sweating all over them) as everyone stood at attention. I suppose it was something military. The Boot camp instructors were lined up facing the "new recruits", After the music, the leader walked over and awarded us the above dog tag. I photographed both sides for your viewing pleasure! :)

One by one, each of the instructors from each of the different "companies/locations", walked in front of me, congratulated me and shook my hand in this ceremony. Little ole' me! Many of the 20 odd strangers came and congratulated me. Suddenly, I was quite proud and realized that it really was an accomplishment. I had made a decision to do something entirely out of my comfort zone, and persevered no matter how tough and difficult it was. I actually did 5 straight days of intense, rigorous workouts, with 30 lbs strapped to my vest, and was outside on a cold winter morning at 6:00 a.m. doing the last one. I felt such a sense of achievement to get this dog tag. I feel already that this is going to be a treasured possession.

As I look at it, I realize it now symbolizes and embodies a wealth of lessons I learned for the first time, as well as lessons, re-learned. It reminds me of the strong woman who earned it. I can always continue to change my life, re-new myself and my spirit. I'm never to old, too out-of-shape, too anything to embark on new journeys.

I can't wait to see what the next 5 weeks bring me. I have a vision of a strong, confident woman, walking into the future believing in herself, keeping her priorities straight, exploring her dreams and knowing, her potential is limitless and living her best life.

H -E - Double Hocky Sticks Week

2011-11-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a long, long time since I wrote about the weight loss journey that you see documented in the layout of the blog. The truth is, that since reaching my goal weight a couple of years ago, I've struggled to maintain my weight. I've gained a few pounds, which is enough to unnerve me significantly. I have kept perspective and realized that though I've gained a few pounds, I've not given up the fight. I've still continued my weekly visits to Jenny Craig for support. My mindset has not been what it needs to be and I've cheated enough to be in this situation.

As I've searched and struggled to get my mind fully in the game, I hit upon a "possible solution". What did I do? I've joined Boot Camp! I figured this intense 6 week physical program, might be the next step I need to take. Today, I started my first week, which is known as "Hell Week". After my first workout tonight, I now know why.

Holy Cow! First they put a 30 lb vest on that you have to wear to work out in during Hell Week. When you gain weight, a little at a time, you never notice it coming on, except I did start to notice that there's a little too much stress on my knee, that used to not be there before. However, when 30 lbs is strapped to your chest all at once, you realize as you go through a super demanding workout, drastically out of shape, what a burden extra weight is. For me, having that weight pressing on my chest, was really difficult for my lungs. When I weighed over 200 lbs more than I do now, I couldn't do anything without my oxygen tank strapped to me. I realized instantly tonight how the weight effects my lungs. I think the lesson is starting to sink into my stubborn mindset that I've had for a while. The mind set that said, 4 1/2 years of losing weight, you deserve to take it easy and not work so hard. Now I'm starting to see that maybe the work never lets up.

I'd recently come to the realization that if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. Ever so subtly, and quite unnoticeable I've been moving backwards. I was realizing this recently, in terms of personal growth. Now I'm starting to click onto the fact that this lesson applies physically as well. What I really hoped would happen with boot camp, is that I'd get enough exercise that the little slips food-wise that I like to enjoy, would be burned off. I know that if I'm more physically active, I'll do better at maintaining weight. However, after just the first day of Boot Camp in Hell Week, I'm starting to realize there are other lessons I need to learn and re-learn as well.

The first jolt was to realize what a burden gaining weight is. I DON'T want to ever go back to that person. As I do the physically demanding work out for the next 4 days (including 6 a.m. in the park workout scheduled for a cold winter Friday morning this week), carting around my 30 lb vest that I'd suddenly gained; I think my mindset is going to really change to what it needs to be. I can feel myself getting that change already, on Day 1.

Another lesson learned today, was how deep my determination really does run. I've always known that once I set my mind to something, nothing stops me. The problem I have at times, is that I don't always "set my mind" to what I want. I just kind of pussy foot around it and say I want this or that, but I don't steel myself to work for what it is I want. Tonight as I struggled to breathe, struggled to complete the number of reps required for each task; there were a couple of times I found myself really digging deep. I WAS going to complete it, no matter what it took. It was a nice reminder of what really is down deep in the core of my being. I will probably get more "experience" in digging deep for my determination this week.

There's other things that I'm working on for personal growth, in addition to this Boot Camp for physical growth, I will make those subjects for a future blog. One of the interesting things is that at a point in our workout, we are to say that "P.T. Lovell requests more P.T. Thank you for conditioning my mind and my body". I thought it was silly when I first learned I'd have to memorize this to say tonight. However, I really am understanding the meanings behind it. First of all, being positive, and asking for more workout, is really a way to prevent you from saying, "Oh, this is too much, I can't do it", but rather say and think something more empowering. This and several other small things that were done tonight, in addition to the 30 lb. vests, made me realize that there really is some conditioning of the mind going on as well. I NEED that conditioning of both my mind and body!

So wish me well folks. While I've sadly neglected my blog more often than not over the last couple of years, I've now resolved that I will be returning to writing more frequently, as I once did when I was on the initial weight loss journey a few years back. Part of the writing my blog is therapeutic. It helps me to sort through the things I'm learning, as well as gives me clarity of thought. You have to clear your thoughts, before you are able to clearly communicate what is in your head. Check back weekly, I'm resolving to write at least that often! :)

An Article About Me!

2011-09-17T11:54:00.000-06:00

I opened my Facebook page today and began reading. To my great pleasure, I found this article listed on the Cochlear Facebook page showing up in my newsfeed! Just thought I'd share! Click on this link for your reading pleasure! http://www.hearinghealthseminar.com/2011/09/when-losing-helps-you-win-ann%E2%80%99s-story/

Slices of Heaven

2011-09-16T23:29:00.002-06:00

Slice of Heaven #1

A couple of weeks ago, I was running to the store for a quick errand, with Finn buckled in the back seat. As I drive to the store, I hear the sweet little voice say, "Me love you!". Precious. There was a time I never would have heard that and missed this little sweet moment of joy. Without my cochlear implant, this little moment of joy is one I never would have heard.

Slice of Heaven #2

Today, Finn was hanging out with me downstairs. He's my little shadow and always wants to "go downstairs with you". We had to go upstairs, as his mother and siblings were getting ready to go spend the evening with his grandma (my sister). As I gave him a hug goodbye, I heard, "I'll miss you." Ahhhhh..... So sweet and touching. I wasn't even sure I heard right at first, until I saw his mom's expression. She too was touched at his sweet pronouncement. :)

And just because I adore him, I'll share some recent pictures. I had a cute video I was going to post, but apparently, it doesn't work for some reason to upload it here (I tried 3 times). Oh well. I'll just share my pictures then!

The picture below is one of about 20 that Finn took by hitting the button on my iPad as he wanted a picture.

Speaking of slices of heaven, the next picture is the one I love! :) He often snuggles next to me and lays his head on my shoulder. It couldn't be any sweeter! :)

Sweet Joys

2011-03-27T00:45:00.001-06:00

Tonight, after midnight, I got a text from upstairs. Finnley kept saying to his mom, "My Ann, go see my Ann....." She finally texted me to see if he could come see me. Of course he could! When his mom told him he could see me, he got so excited. I went upstairs to get him, and he immediately hugged me and started snuggling. Before I even sat down im my chair downstairs, yet still snuggling against me, he was out! It's such sweet joy for me to have this little one in my life. Everyone used to say, he has me wrapped around his little finger. Once he got old enough to run, walk, and talk; it became clear that I have him wrapped around my little finger as well. I obviously love it our little mutual admiration society! :) The picture above is less than flattering of me, but I share it, after all, isn't that such a sweet little innocent face? :)

Can You Feel The Joy?

2011-03-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

There's not a lot of words that are needed for this video. Just look at each face there and the joy they show. Here they are, the young and the old, living the miracle. At 2:43 into the film, you'll see me and my friends. Right after us, you see the engineer who designed my cochlear implant, followed by Dr. Graeme Clark who's dream of helping his deaf father lead him to creating the cochlear implant! This video brings back memories of the good times, as well as tears of joy and gratitude to my two heroes.

Cochlear Celebration

2011-03-04T01:30:00.001-07:00

Ahhhh, Celebration....How do I love thee, let me count the ways! :) Seriously though, Cochlear Celebrations are counted among the highlights of my life. I'll give you a little mini taste of Cochlear Celebration.

The opening event of every even is the Opening Social on the first evening. Here you have people from all over the country gathering together and getting to know each other. You meet people for the first time (as my friends Diane and Debra are doing at this table), socialize and get to know a little about each other. It's great fun to start to build connections to others who are living the miracle of sound.

The opening session of every Cochlear Celebration I've attended is begun by Chris Smith, the CEO of Cochlear Celebration. I do enjoy the chance to hear from those who lead this great company.

Here is Jim Patrick speaking in the opening session. Jim is one of my three heroes from Australia. The cochlear implant was created by Dr. Graeme Clark in Australia. Jim was his first employee and the engineering genius who created this marvelous miraculous machine I wear behind my ears. The last hero is Rod Saunders, who has passed away. He is the first cochlear implantee who tested this device for Dr. Clark and Jim. I love getting a chance to sit and chat with my hero Jim in both of the Celebrations I've attended. He's truly a humble man for someone who has done such great things.

Here is a view of what we see when we first walk into the opening sessions. For me, waiting for Chris to get up and officially open, looking at this view up front is positively electrifying and exciting! Let the fun begin! :)

Here I am with two of my favorite men at Cochlear Celebration. On my right is Mark , one of the upper level managers at Cochlear from Texas. He was the person who trained me to be a volunteer some years ago (when they used to fly volunteers to Colorado for training). He was also the first person to be implanted bilaterally. To my left is David! David has one of those spirits about him that he is genuinely loved by all. He too works for Cochlear. He works in their shipping department in Colorado. It's always fun to me to order batteries, filters or other parts for my cochlear implant, and then see a little smiley face and a signature from David, saying "Hi" to me! I always hope he's the one that sends me whatever parts I'm ordering. David is also the kind of man that is loved by all. The kids at that are at Cochlear are genuinely drawn to him. He is known for giving the best hugs around. All the employees at of Cochlear truly ROCK!

Cochlear tends to spend an evening having a special event of some sort for those that volunteer. Here I am sitting between two Linda's at a special happy hour type of event for the volunteers. Linda who traveled with me from Utah, is in the foreground, and then Linda Day, another awesome Cochlear employee, who is the Volunteer manager from California is sitting right next to me. On the other side of the table are two volunteers from Washington.

You can count on Cochlear Celebration to have a great keynote speaker at the opening session. Here we were fortunate to hear from Tom Sullivan, a blind singer/actor/author. He spoke and sang to us. It was truly touching and reminded us of our own miracle as we listened to him tell us how truly jealous of us he was. He would give anything in his life to be able to see his wife, just to be able to see. And here we all are able to hear. He was inspiring and touching. At one point the lights dimmed and he asked us to close our eyes as he took us through a morning run with him. Of course we all had our eyes open to read CART, but the lights were dim and we went on a morning run. It was astounding to see the world through his ears. Sounds became even more precious as we experienced it through him.

During his talk, Tom made the statement that I quickly got my phone out and took a picture of before it disappeared from CART. I realized the instant he said it, how truly profound it was. If you can't read it, click on the picture and it will enlarge so you can. It helped me realize how much I have to focus on the here and now, the joys and potential of the here, rather than dwell on the past.

There is always an evening at Disney or a local attraction. Hollywood Studios was closed down early on Saturday night. We ate dinner on the streets of Hollywood studio. After dinner, we walked to where the giant Mickey Mouse hat was lit up. We watched as fireworks erupted from it. Then we were able to ride the roller coaster and the Tower of Terror as many times as we wanted. On the "streets" of Hollywood, near these rides, there was music, a street dance and entertainment. Truly and enjoyable evening just for us!

Before we know it, the closing session arrives. Chris Smith CEO shows us the joy of our time here when he bounds onto the stage in a feather boa with Mickey Mouse hands! :) After his speech, we get the opportunity to be introduced to and hear from this year's Graeme Clark Scholarship winners. A friend of mine from Utah was awarded this scholarship three years ago. I hope someday to see another young many from Utah up on the stage with a scholarship. His name is Chance (a hint to his parents if they're reading this!) :) After the scholarship winners speak, we all wait for THE ANNOUNCEMENT! Where will the next Cochlear Celebration be.

Whoo Hoo! February 2013, I'll be there in San Diego, celebrating once again. The minute this announcement popped up on the screen, I snapped a picture and texted and emailed it to a couple of friends on my PDA, telling them I want to see them there with us at the next one and to start saving!

Another Celebration ends, and my dreams for the next Celebration begin anew! Cochlear Celebration 2013, here I come! :)

Florida Fun

2011-03-04T00:34:00.002-07:00

Time has really flown by. It is already almost two weeks since I got back from my trip to Florida. I intended to start blogging again immediately after my return. Instead, I hit the ground running, and I'm only just now pausing to reflect and post! I decided the easiest way to talk about my Florida trip is to start by sharing pictures. Alas, I discovered that on a scale of 1 to 10, I would probably rate at about a 3 in picking good pictures and opportunities to photograph. Some pictures left me wondering why I took them in the first place. Others I still enjoyed.! Below are some of the pictures I enjoyed.

I spent the first three days of my trips visiting three of the parks. I'm struggling to remember where I found this landscaping. I believe it was Hollywood Studios, but I could be wrong. Oh wait, I think it might have been Epcot. One thing I know for sure? It was in Florida! :) I did take this picture as I liked the whimsy of the brooms, although Micky Mouse didn't quite fit into the theme being created by the broomsticks, in my opinion.

This is a tree in the Animal Park (Wild Animal Park? I'm actually forgetting the exact name...some memory I have. Like a steel trap, eh?) I found this tree rather fascinating due to all the carving done along the tree trunk. I have added another view, from another side of the tree further on down below.

It was quite a sight to see these trees and realize the sheer numbers of birds were in them. I really need to get out a good bird book and figure out exactly what kind of bird they are. While on the "African Safari" I heard the announcer talking about how these birds are native to the area. However, I missed the name of them. Of course I don't have a closeup, so I can ask my readers if anyone knows. Oh well.....a photographic wizard would've thought to get that one! If you can't see the birds, click on the picture to get an enlarged view.

Here's a picture taken during the safari of my good friends Diane and Debra. Or should I say Debra and Diane, since Debra is more in the foreground and Diane is in the background. Sorry Diane, I know you should really be the star of the picture and be in the foreground! (Yes, I do like to tease Diane on occasion).

When I saw this, I had to keep reminding myself that I was in Florida, not California. I'd never been in Florida before, and I still have a hard time feeling that I've ever been to Florida. Throughout the trip, both in climate, palm trees, and Disney World attractions, I was SURE I was in California!

This plant landscaping from The Lady and The Tramp (if I have the title right) was quite cute. So I snapped a little picture to share! :)

The funny thing about this picture, is I really wasn't sure who the "non-human" characters were! The humans of course were my Utah friends that traveled to Florida for Cochlear Celebration with me. You see me, Diane, Debra and Linda. It wasn't until I got home and showed the picture to my little two year old that I knew for sure who I had posed with. I was informed it was Pluto (not Goofy like I'd thought), and I was with Daffy Duck, not Scrooge Duck or some of the other Duck characters. I think I flunk cartoons! Of course what else would you expect from someone who grew up before captioning, and couldn't lipread cartoons?

Here we have my traveling companions posing with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I better go ask my 2 year old, Finn if it's Goofy or Pluto there. He might know! :)

One thing I always wanted to do in Disneyland and never did, was ride the the riverboat. I thoroughly enjoyed going for my first riverboat ride in Disney World. Here's the top portion of the boat taken while on board. OK, if I was a good sailor, I'd probably tell you this is the port or the bow or some such nautical term. Sadly, I forget the difference between all the boat parts as soon as I hear them. So, front portion of the riverboat works for me! :)

This was taken at Hollywood Studios. Notice, in the background they have the unique Mickey Mouse water tower. Then in the foreground they have the "landscaped" water tower. I thought it was interesting! Hence my choice of photographic subject. (I'm still going through this internal dialogue in my head that's saying, OK your choice of material ranks you as a three on a scale of 1 to 10, and I catch myself defending taking the picture!)

In Hollywood Studios, I had the chance to engage myself fully in folly and grab a little Fred Astaire magic and dance in the rain. Can you see my inner Fred spirit? :)

Here is a different attempt at taking a clear picture of the tree that fascinated me, which I showed several pictures above. I realize a less tired blogger, might take the time to rearrange the order of photos so it's just below the other photo. Enjoy scrolling way up above to find the other picture to compare it to! :)

Manna from heaven! The only thing missing from this picture is the word Diet! Being a diet coke addict, I had to take this picture! :)

Probably one of the things I enjoyed amidst all the bustle of amusement parks, convention, friends and etc. was the still quiet morning breakfast outside by this lake at my hotel. THAT was pleasure my friends!

After a pleasant and full week enjoying the 70 degree temperatures in Florida, I finally got on the airplane and flew back to winter. Now, I just get to enjoy the memories!

Motivation

2011-02-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

LOOOOk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When reading my niece's blog a few weeks ago, she shared that she had printed her blog and posted a picture of her book. I checked out the Blog2Print website and found myself excited at the idea. The best part, my tax money had just come in, so I felt like I could splurge.

My book came in the mail this week. It's just like I designed it. I chose the cover to be green, since that's my favorite color. I chose pictures I wanted on the front of the book as well as the back of the book.

\ Here is the front of my book! This is a picture I took when I went to Cochlear Celebration in 2009! It represented a joyful time for me, so I chose it for the front. On a side note, the day after tomorrow, I'm taking off for Cochlear Celebration 2011! I'm so excited at the fun times I'm sure are ahead!

Here's the back of my book. I put a picture from a convention known as ALDAcon (Association of Late Deafened Adults Convention). I'm not a late deafened person (very early deafened), but they accept me anyway! :) Anyhow, this picture was snapped by someone at the beginning of an evening of Karaoke. The party had not yet gotten into full swing, and I was almost the only person on the dance floor. The DJ was singing as he waited for us to get into the spirit of things and for more people to arrive. I was ready to party and just jumped on the dance floor and started dancing! He ended up throwing me the boa, and then later the air guitar and pulled me onto the stage to join him. Since the picture represented the joy of "living in the moment", I had to put it on the back of the book. Also, notice, there's even a bar coded ISBN number for my book! :)

I snapped a picture of the book standing up, so you could see that it's a hard bound book! The quality is great. My niece noted in her blog, how printing the blog gave them a book to record their family history. I may not have a family, but it's a little awesome to have in my hands a tangible history from the previous two years. My little ones at home were quite tickled to open up my book and see pictures of themselves. I guess when I'm long gone, they might regard my book as a little of their history, since I lived with them and put pictures of them on my blog occasionally! :)

Yesterday I went and got my hair cut and a pedicure, in preparation for my trip. As I sat there being pampered, I started to read my book from the beginning. I was surprised at how much pleasure I got from this. I've had people tell me I'm funny, but I thought they were just easily amused. I guess I'm in that category of easily amused. I found myself laughing and giggling quite a bit as I was reading. The pedicurist and hair stylist must have thought I was nuts, reading a book adorned with me and laughing all the while. I guess I'm enjoying my new favorite author: ME!! :)

Quite some time ago, I lost my motivation to blog. Guess what? I have it back! I am just dying to print out another book from this little place on the internet that I inhabit! Feel free to check back in frequently and comment. If you like what I write, comment! I found that the comments from others are a big motivator for me. Come back often and throw some bread crumbs into the comment section! :)

My Sweet Valentine

2011-02-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

Valentine's Day is not on my list of holidays I pay any attention to. I've spent my life as a single woman, watching with disdain. What was it other than just another reminder that there wasn't anyone special in my life to treat me special and for me to treat special?

Today, I realized something profound. Valentine's Day is simply a day to care and show your love. It doesn't matter who it is. I came upstairs to do my laundry and found Dalia, age 5 and Mac age 4 busily involved in decorating cookies. With big smiles, I was told "Don't look!" at the other end of the table from where they were decorating. I gave them big hugs and kisses and told them I definitely wouldn't look. They were just jumping from excitement.

After I left the laundry room, they jumped up and down with the biggest smiles and handed me the above plate. They'd gotten these plates, taken the time to put everyone in the family's name on their own plate, and then decorated a cookie just for that person. It wasn't the cookie and the decorated plate that was so special, but what it reminded me of. Two little sweet ones, faces filled with pleasure and expectations to give me a gift from their heart. Oh, what a sweet holiday Valentine's Day is! This Valentine's Day, I'll be flying out to Florida for a wonderful vacation. However, I'm hopeful that next Valentine's Day, I'll remember the lessons of today and take the time to think of something special I can do for those I love on this one day dedicated for showing our love.

Positivity

2010-11-06T11:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, as I usually do on Friday. This little trip turned into a little mini-lesson on positivity. After I collected all my groceries, I went to stand in the check out line. Just before time to move up to being the customer being checked out, a little elderly gentleman came and stood behind me in line. With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Thanks for saving me this spot in line!". He moved with much difficulty and was shopping with his wife, who was in a wheelchair. She's so infirm that she couldn't even really hold her head up, it was resting on her shoulder. I couldn't even seen her eyes. Here's a man, obviously having difficulty getting around himself, coupled with a wife who's obviously unable to care for herself (translating to what a difficulty that must be for him to care for her in his limited condition), smiling with joy and engaging the stranger in front of him in a positive manner.

That wasn't all of it. The checker who was responsible for my line was quite a vivacious lady. As I was moving to the counter and she waited for the customer before me to leave, so I could head for the counter, she was smiling and sang a short and sweet little ditty, "I'm in my happy spot!" She was exuding joy rather than just doing her job. What a positive line I'm in. As she checked me out, the gentleman behind me talked about how lucky he was to be in her line. She said to me, they always come to my line and I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to check them out. Talk about positivity and smiles abounding in an ordinary experience of checking out the groceries and paying. The gentleman reached in his pocket and pulled out a well worn fake credit card looking document. I don't remember what was on the other side that I saw as he put it away, but on the side I he showed me it said, "The happy smile checker". It was obvious to me that he looks for and creates happy smiles.

What a joy and what a little lesson to remember amidst the regular routines of our lives. This gentleman gets around with much difficulty, obviously caring for a wife who is extremely limited. His life has to be difficult. Yet he is choosing to greeting it with positivity, engaging with people in his pathway with positivity and choosing joy. The checker choosing to do her job with a sunny disposition, joy and even singing a song about being in her happy spot was also another lesson in choice. There was less than 5 minutes there in that line with joy and happiness being radiated, positivity exuding. What a heaven life would be like if the rest of us were choosing to focus and find positivity in our life in this way? I felt transformed. Ordinary checkers are just doing a job and getting through the day. Ordinary old men with severely disabled spouse to care for and very limited mobility themselves are usually struggling and I viewed them as really being a case of people, "enduring to the end" and possibly hoping it comes sooner rather than later. What I saw was an extraordinary lesson in the choosing our attitude and choosing to live in joy in the "now" no matter how difficult or tedious.

I've made lots of progress in learning to be happy and positive no matter what. This little powerful little 5 minute or less mini-lesson is something I'm grateful to get. I think things happen for a reason, and this might be teaching me more about how to expand, improve and carry on in positivity. Can I bring smiles optimism in my chance encounters of all those who cross my path? That is my next challenge.

What a Life! What a Job!

2010-08-23T22:31:00.000-06:00

I've now got almost a full month under my belt, working in our Parent Infant Program with babies and toddlers from 0 to 3 and their parents. I can't believe how I feel about this job, and how my life has led me to be able to even do this.

If you see my "Before" picture on the side of this blog, you might have imagined this is a woman who couldn't sit on the floor, or at least couldn't do so easily. Well, I'm so grateful I lost all that weight and changed my perspective. If I hadn't undergone all this change, I don't think it would have been remotely possible for me to do this job. At 387 lbs, falling on the floor was a nightmare. I couldn't get up. Fast forward 5 years, and here I am sittting on the floor playing with little babies and toddlers. This job has been a little slow to ramp up, as I've had difficulty getting ahold of all the parents to schedule my visits. However, my very first toddler is a little 2 1/2 year old cutie. During my first visit where I worked with her, it was pure delight to be down on the floor laughing and playing with her. At one point, I actually laughed and said, "I can't believe I get paid to do this! What a job!".

Not only do I get to play with the kids, I get to sing with them too. It's actually funner than I thought it would be. What a way to teach. This little toddler is way behind due to being recently adopted from another country where there were no hearing aids and and auditory stimulation AND being profoundly deaf. I had a lot of trepidation because I don't know 0 to 3 age group yet. However, much to my amazement, I actually know a lot more than I think. Not only that, I could see what hasn't been happening that needed to happen. The mother is "thirsty" for all the information I feed her and takes my suggestions and runs with it.

Tonight, I sit and reflect on this child, with whom I'm starting my 3rd week of working with. I'm all smiles as I reflect. Why? I can actually see progress! I've made a difference. Her mom and I kept being excited and celebrating today at the things that she was doing. She's got a lot way to go, and needs that cochlear implant sooner rather than later. However, how rewarding it is to be new in a job and feeling I have so much to learn, but at the same time seeing what I do makes a difference! How exciting to have a mom who prior to my visit has felt alone without the support she needed, actually be excited at the progress her child has made in the last 3 weeks.

The coolest thing was at only my 2nd visit, the mom said to me, "I'm so sad that I'm going to lose you." I was puzzled and confused. I had JUST started working with this little child. I'm not going anywhere. I asked her what she meant, and she says, "She's turning 3 in February and you'll be gone when she goes to preschool". I promised her that we could still be friends after her child leaves my caseload and enters preschool. It's so rewarding to have such immediate feedback that I'm important to this family and to actually see a difference in this darling little girl.

Five years ago, I couldn't have ever seen my life the way it is today. I decided to renovate my life, one step at a time, without a real clear picture of how to do that, other than to start losing weight. All the other steps after that unfolded bit by bit. I'm so grateful for the journey.

Life's Little Joys (A Photo Essay)

2010-07-09T23:57:00.001-06:00

All three came down to "spend time" with me. Amazing they all three fit into one chair! They're growing so fast, I don't think that will last for long!

"What ice cream? I don't see any" (Me thinks someone ate it all!)

This is how I spend HOURS of my time. Pure bliss! A slice of heaven!

"What? Why wait to put on my swim trunks and take off my shoes! The water was calling my name!"

"I'm no baby, I don't belong in the stroller you're pushing. I'm a big boy and pushing my own stroller! So there! "

"My mom says I can really 'Rock my speedo'. Daddy seems to agree, but my big brother is too busy preparing to dive down and join Spongebob to care what I'm wearing!"

Three generations having a ball at the little 4th of July carnival!

The most AWESOME roommates in the world! I couldn't get any luckier!

The Future Is In My Hands

2010-04-30T23:20:00.001-06:00

Life is bringing me more changes. For a long time, I've felt that I needed out of my current career. I had hope that something better was out there for me.

I never imagined that possibly the new career that I was dreaming about and could be passionate about was in my current career. My professional life got thrown upside down when I was given my new teaching assignment for next year. My new students grade level? Well, geeze they don't have a grade level. Actually, you can only categorize them my age: birth to 3 years.

The picture above of my little great nephew's hand in mine, now represents to me all those little babies I will now teach. I'm awed at the possibilities. I'm going to be part of thr process by which a deaf baby learns to listen and talk. During the past year or so, I've thought a more than a few times about our PIP (Parent Infant Program), what was missing and what it needed. I felt it wasn't keeping up with all that was needed with all the technology that we have in this day and age. Deaf kids need the right start in life to really maximize their potential. With the technology of cochlear implants and digital hearing aids, research that has taught us about the critical work being done in the brain and how it impacts the outcome for the deaf baby; I felt something was wrong. However, not having any involvement in this program; it was nothing I'd ever be involved in improving.

Times change. We hired a new superintendent this year. He is one that realized that there were huge needs and improvements needed for these little deaf babies and toddlers. He's hired a new team and this program is being changed drastically in all the right ways. The new director of PIP says this department will be the premiere department of our school. Little ole' me, I'm going to part of all this change. I never could have imagined. What I also could never have imagined, is that I'm excited for the new challenges and opportunities. It's going to be hard work. It's going to be HUGE change. Oh, yes...I'm going to have to study hard and learn lots. Despite it all, I'm excited.

Little babies, their parents and families are in my future now. Conversely, I'm in their future. My work with them sets the foundation for their life ahead. I can't think of anything more important. I'm honored and thrilled.

Seasons of Life

2010-02-27T21:48:00.005-07:00

Life has been trying for the last few months, more for others that I care about than for myself personally. The last 8 or so months, I've watch my niece go through such a long drawn out process of find a brain tumor, going through two rounds of chemotherapy, all while trying to raise three little ones and hold down a job. Up until January, I at least was able to help out a bit here at home with the little ones. Now, I'm taking 6 credits worth of classes and struggling to keep up with school while still working my full time job. I feel sad, to not be able to help out.

I want to do more to help. Instead, I come downstairs to my little domain; studying and working my brains out. Anyone out there care that the quadratus lumborum originates from the iliac crest and the iliolumbar ligament and inserts into vertebrae T12 and L1 through L4, with the action of pulling down the last rib and fixing the rib cage? Anyone? Bet there are no takers. In the grand scheme of things, it's irrelevant. However, I was forced to care, due to a test that was coming up.

For something I don't care about, the stress ran high last week most of the stresses were unimportant in the grand scheme of things, others were life changing, when it comes to the health of others. I was worried about my niece , wanting to help out as well and not being able to. It didn't help matters when my professor sent out an email last Monday inviting those who didn't have the time to devote to drop the class before this next test (halfway through the semester no less). After 5 years of teaching this class, this next test was the one where every one's grades tends to drop precipitously, hurting their chances for grad school (many in the class are taking this as a prerequisite to entering grad school in Speech and Language pathology). He warned them it would be easier to take the class again when they had the time, than to struggle with the bad grade they couldn't fix. I knew I had to study my brains out. I'd already been working hard every night and 12 hours on Saturdays. Last week I studied until nearly midnight every night, doubling the amount of hours I studied per night.

On the top of all these worries about my niece, worries about my test, I was also sick (yeah I've had some kind of cold or something going on that effects my asthma pretty badly). Oh yes, on top of having to studying my guts out, on Tuesday I had to go through my yearly observation and evaluation at work; I was on edge as I HATE those. Amidst all the stress, Was it any wonder I wanted to just eat? Food has historically been my balm through difficult times. I guess I will always be someone who wants to eat when things are tough. I will always have to battle this one.

My week is over, and the stress that can be over is over. At work, I got a glowing evaluation from my director. I guess maybe I am a better teacher than I thought! I earned my highest grade all semester on the test we were all warned we would not succeed in if we didn't put our nose to the grindstone. Food wise, I didn't go nuts. I managed to lose half a pound this week despite it all. My asthma still is pretty bad, but really, I don't feel lousy. So I count that good.

Of course it was the minor stresses that leave your life as quickly as they come in. Tests, evaluations, colds/flu's and etc. are very minor. The hardest stuff is that which you have no control over. This brain abscess seems pretty scary right now, and when my niece has seizures and other side effects; I worry excessively. By the same token, what we are living with here in Salt Lake is nothing near what is happening to loved ones a state away. I wish I could be there with my Idaho and Oregon nieces, supporting them, as they watch their mother losing her battle with cancer.

I guess if we think about it; maybe stress is a part of life. If everything was easy; we wouldn't be challenged and be able to grow. Like everyone, I'd rather everyone in my life could skip the sorrow, health challenges, and loss. I guess I need to just remember, that for every time there is a season, a season for sorrow, a season for joy and etc. Whatever we need to endure, we need to find hope and courage to get through them, knowing that this too shall pass. Somehow I find that more comforting if I think of only myself. However, when I think of those I love, I want to spare them those seasons and wish they didn't have to endure. I wish for any readers comfort through the seasons of sorrow that may be yours, and wish for you season of joy around the corner. May you find comfort from some corner, when in the difficult times of life.

An Article about me!

2009-12-29T23:55:00.004-07:00

AOL apparently has a website called, "That's Fit". A week or two ago, I was interviewed by their reporter via email. I was asked to send photos as well as answer a bunch of questions. For anyone that's interested, click on the title above and you'll go to the link. Or, you can click on it here:

http://www.thatsfit.com/2009/12/28/ann-lost-238-pounds-and-renovated-her-life/

There was one big error, they say I've maintained the weight since April 2008. Don't know where that came from. Other than that, everything is pretty much reported as I said! Hope you guys enjoy reading it!

Lessons Learned from a One Year Old

2009-11-30T20:30:00.003-07:00

For the last 13-14 months, I've had the pleasure of living with a baby and watching him grow. There have been lots of little lessons along the way, as I've watched him continually develop and grow from month to month. However, it's been really eye opening for me in the last couple of months, as I've watched him learn to walk. He took his first steps on his first birthday. If he thought about it, he wouldn't think he could walk. However, as he walked between his mother and me, then his mother and father, he'd be so excited about the person that he was going to, that his body just took over and he'd make it.

After his first steps, I expected him to be off and running. I took off for a week to attend a convention in Seattle just a few days after his birthday. I figured that although he hadn't yet realized he could walk, by the time I came home in a week, he would be off and running. Maybe he'd walk to me when I got back in town, or so I thought.

Wrong! If you're a parent, you already know it doesn't happen that fast. Never having been a parent, I'm learning what it's really like as an "old lady"! (said tongue in cheek) As he spent the next couple of months mastering the walking, it was very instructive to me to watch his progress and how he worked through different stages.

At first, he would have his arms shoulder high to keep himself balanced, and heaven forbid there was anything at all on the floor, no matter how small....he would fall. Eventually over time he learned how to keep his balance and the arms finally came down. Unfortunately, he still fell over any little thing on the floor, especially the riser between the kitchen and the living room. All of a sudden, I noticed, he wasn't falling anymore when he went over the riser, nor over the little obstacles. He was learning how to balance. I also noticed that though he'd initially learned to walk, he didn't know how to get up. He'd crawl to the next object that he could use to get himself up and off he'd go again. He had a lot of failures, especially in the beginning. It took a lot of time and a lot of perseverance.

If you compared his walking to many of the things that we attempt to do. How often do we just simply say, "I can't" and don't even try? The most frustrating student I ever had were the ones who refused to try, and simply said, "I can't", no matter how many times and ways I tried to show them they could. Thankfully the babies haven't acquired the "learned helplessness" I've seen in some students, as a teacher. The night he took his first steps, if he thought about it, he would think he couldn't and not try. However, he had his eyes on the face of a loved one and wanted to go as we encouraged him on. Even once he had done it, he didn't master it, or even fully realized what he could do. He fell a lot. His attempts were few at first, but as he practiced, over time, the attempts increased. Really, he'd probably walked a hundred times and he was still falling and somewhat wobbly; but still, he never gave up. How many of us quit after trying a few times and failing a few times? Do we keep trying and trying and appreciating the small gains? Really, the gains were not quick and immediate by any means, but they were there. I could see them, even though I'm sure he couldn't. He just had faith that he could eventually walk, and kept on going

Babies see people walk and want to walk. No matter how often they fall, how long it takes them to get better at balancing, getting up, or just not falling if they walk over a book or something; they keep trying. They've not been taught to think in terms of failure. They just see what they want, realize they can do something and keep trying and trying. Each of us had to have had perseverance at some point in our lives in order to walk. That's just one example. There are many other skills that we learn on our way from babyhood to growing up. We didn't just wake up and say, oh, I've developed enough to keep my balance and walk, and master it. We failed, and we failed a lot...we never gave up.

I think somehow we forget the lessons and learn how to think, "I can't" or "I'll never get it", or "I'll never be as good as so and so" or various other ways to talk ourselves out of trying new things in our life.

It's also been interesting in watching this little baby, that he takes his clue on how to think from us. One day, I actually fell down the stairs, while I was holding him. Thankfully, we go in slow motions during emergencies, and I was able to get my hand out to hold his head in a way that his head wouldn't hit the floor, but if anything did it was my hand. When we fell, oh my, it hurt me, but all I could see was his face looking at me in surprise. He didn't know what to think. When all I did was tell him reassuringly in a soothing voice, with a smile on my face, "It's OK Finn, you didn't hit your head", he was fine and didn't get upset at all. I told him this accident was OK, so no crying or upset happened. I remember another time he bit me pretty hard in the stomache without realizing it and I reacted in pain saying , "OW!" and pushed his head away. He saw my reaction and immediately started crying, because my reaction upset him. That was minor compared to falling down the stairs!

Through some of these experiences with him in various situations, I really began to realize how he looked to me for how to react or interpret things. He doesn't know. If something happens, and I take it in good stride, so does he. If I don't, neither does he. It kind of hits home the point to me that we can control how we react. We aren't negative and upset because of a situation; but rather because of how we have chosen to react. Most of these reactions are so automatic, we don't realize we are making a choice and do have control. Just like a baby looks to us to learn how to perceive the world, we can consciously look inward and choose other ways to react.

When I fell down the stairs, I chose to react in a soothing calming manner just for Finn's sake. Had I not had him in my arms, my reaction would have been totally different. If I can control my emotions and reactions to be positive ones for him, why can't I do it for myself. Truth be told, I can. My goal right now, is to continue to look to this little baby in my life and continue to learn the lessons to help me evolve and grow as I deal with life's obstacles little and big.

Just because I'm writing about Finn, I'll play the doting great aunt and share some photos. Here he is, at 8 months, wearing the bow from his big sister's birthday presents on her 4th birthday!

I have lots of photos of him sleeping in my arms. He loves to come downstairs to my area of the house and take his naps with me. I treasure the moments. Holding him and looking at his sweet face, makes me live in the "Now" and treasure the moments.

He is so tickled in this little picture that he has a little chair that fits him! I managed to catch him for just a brief moment of delight, before he was off and running again!

Here he is the evening of his first birthday, enjoying his cake. This picture was taken before he took his first steps between me and his mom.

Writer's Block

2009-11-14T11:49:00.002-07:00

I always thought "writer's block" was a fictional term. I'm always able to write at the drop at the hat. However, I now think it's real, and it's most likely a term that describes a mixture of thoughts and feelings that cause one to lose interest in writing. For quite a while, I figured I didn't have anything to write about.

However, that hasn't been true in the last month or two. After my recent trip to a convention in Seattle, the recent Utah Chapter AG Bell Conference, I've had at least two separate posts that I could enter. As I sit hit attempting to craft a post, my interest in posting the entries wanes. I checked in on my blog counters and see people are still stopping by to check my blog out. Guilt begins to register, in not providing something interesting to read for those taking the time to check in. Hence my new topic about my writer's block. It's my attempt to say "Hi", to everyone who checks in and let you know that I'm alive and well.

In my household, my niece has been undergoing chemo therapy for a brain tumor. Much of my spare time during the first round of the chemo was all about helping out with the kids. By the time I get down to my rented portion of the house for the night, there's been no interest in personal endeavors. In fact the week I was gone for the convention in Seattle, I was riddled with guilt at not being here to help out.

She's between rounds of chemo at the moment, but laid up flat in bed with pneumonia. So I'm back to spending a lot of my time off work just trying to help out. Maybe between my job (by the way I quit the 2nd job at the post office a couple of months ago, to spend the weekends taking care of my great nephew who's parent was working horrendous hours during the weekend. I felt someone needed to jump in and help out, because the hours the young boy was having to spend alone just wasn't good for a child his age. So my time that has not been spent working, has often been spent helping out with my niece's kids or my nephew's kid.

Personal fun on the computer? Non-existent! When I had moments to myself, which are rare and far between, the last thing I wanted to do was be on the computer. Perhaps this is the real reason behind the writer's block.

My nephew is returning to regular work hours in the winter, so my weekends that were spend with his son, will return to being my own, at least until I start taking some college classes for a program I've been admitted to. When my niece gets past the pneumonia, there will be a brief spell of free time, before she starts the second round the day after Thanksgiving. I will work on getting past my 'writer's block" and updating my friends and family who check in on the latest events in my life! Meanwhile, thanks to everyone who still cares and checks in, even though I've been virtually absent!

Living With A Stranger

2009-09-24T23:04:00.002-06:00

My hands are cold, I put them up to my neck and shoulders to warm them. Instead, I find a bony clavicle pointing out. I can't find a nice section of fat-padded skin to warm them on anywhere now.
I lay in bed before going to sleep, playing some games on my PDA, my arms struggle to get comfortable, as they rest on a rib cage. No padded pillow under my skin exists anymore.
I attempt to rest my arms on my stomach as I lay in bed, and instead, I feel the hip bone protruding through.
I stare at my arms, no longer do I need to tell the phlebotomist where the vein is that I call "Old Faithful". Instead of taking my word for it, despite not feeling or seeing the vein, they now can see the vein that leads to Old Faithful as it snakes up my arm, all the way to the needle site. I now see and feel many blue veins trailing up my arm.
I rest one hand on my leg as I drive the car down the freeway. Suddenly, I lift the leg to move my foot over to another peddle. Under my hand I feel a muscle tighten, and the narrow bone underneath it. Wow, I never realized how skinny my bone is, or felt my muscles at work before.
My hand rest on my knee and feels its bony curvature. Gone is the time where x-rays had to be used by my doctor as he inserted a needle under the knee cap; when they just couldn't feel the knee cap and be sure where it goes.
I see old friends that I've not seen for years. They look at me and see a stranger. They don't have a clue who I am. I have to tell them, it's me, their old friend of many years. Shock registers on their faces, as they realize they do know this stranger after all.
I see size x2 in the store as I walk by and think, my gosh, those are huge pants. Yet at one time, I remember they weren't big enough for me at all.
I couldn't find much to wear in my size, because I was just plain too big. Now, I'm finding myself hunting through sparse selections, because, it appears I might be getting too small. Huh?
I wonder, how long will it take before I get used to this new stranger I live with? Don't misunderstand, I love this new stranger, but it's amazing how much I still struggle to adapt in my mind to the body I now inhabit. I wonder, how long will it take for it to feel normal, or at least familiar to me?

What's a blog?

2009-09-18T21:51:00.002-06:00

I'm beginning to think that I no longer know what a blog is, the way I've been neglecting mine. I don't know why I've had so little interest in the fun parts of the computer. During the summer I avoided the computer like the plague. Now that I'm back at school, I work on it at the office, and avoid it like the plague at home. My own home computer crashed last week and I have no idea if I'm even interested in even taking it in for diagnosis, or replacing. I certainly can't afford to replace it.

I finally took a BIG step. I quit my 2nd job. Money will be tight and I will have to learn to pinch my pennies. Initially I contemplated quitting as it was impossible, in my mind, to work two jobs 7 days a week, and take two classes in a semester; and still maintaining my sanity. My endorsement program and it's prerequisites are going to have to wait until January to begin. The program is at Utah State in Logan, so I'd have to take the classes online. Well, long story short; they didn't have the accommodations in place to provide captioning for the online classes. In January it should be in place. Until then I have a reprieve!

I could have continued to work two jobs until January. Inside, I was dragging my heels at that idea, despite the need for money. However, recently a family situation came up with my extended family, where I saw a ahuge need. I have a young family member I feel strongly that I need to be there for on the weekends. Once, I realized the need; it was easy...I quit my job the next day. I'll figure out a way to get by financially. Family matters before all else in my life.

I just realized that when I write so seldom, my blogs are boring! I end up just reporting the latest and don't even try to be entertaining. I'll work on turning over a new leaf! Maybe I can end this boring post with a comment about something that is boggling my mind when I contemplate.

In December 2005 I was wearing a size 30 or 32. I was more or less moving into size 32 at the time, as my size 30 clothes were getting to be too tight and too uncomfortable. A couple of weeks ago I went to buy some new pants for school, as all mine were too baggy. The size: (prepare for your mind to boggle!) Size 6!!! SIX!!! VII!!! How is that possible? It blows my mind every time I even contemplate it! My weight then, 387. Nearly 400. My weight this morning (150!!!!) I'm about to hit the 140's! How is this possible! I know I did it, but it's hard to believe I DID it! :)

How I Spent My Summer

2009-08-22T13:54:00.003-06:00

I don't know what readers may still be checking my blog out. I guess I've pretty much taken a computer vacation this summer, hence no real blogging. This summer was a different kind of summer. My niece had to go through full time training for about 5 weeks. I offered to babysit, while she did that. See the pictures below to see who I spent most of my time with! My 10 month old great nephew spent many hours cuddling with me while he napped, as the first picture represents. Below that is a picture of Mac and Dalia in Burger King playing. As I've now returned to school, I really am going to miss those long precious days I got to enjoy

I'm not sure how well I will do with blogging at this point. I am returning to my seven day a week work schedule. I always found time to blog, even doing this in the past; as the computer is more a part of my life when school resumes. However, I'm going to be attending a summer program to gain another endorsement to my teaching license. The catch here is: there are some prerequisite classes that I have to take. The professor just recommended I take two classes this quarter. Life is busier than I like, but "This too shall pass"! I'll try to still blog on occasion!

GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL

2009-08-03T23:11:00.003-06:00

Yes, I'm so thrilled to announce that I finally made it to goal! After 3 1/2 years, I'm thrilled to finally be there! I'm probably going to lose an additional 5 to 10 lbs, as I can see now see how much fat there is on my body, vs the loose flabby skin.

In the early days of my blog, I pondered what a goal weight should be. I had read that the extra lose flabby skin could weigh anywhere from 2 to 20 lbs. I figured if I set the numbers too low, I may be trying to lose too much, as I had to account for extra skin. Now that I'm there, I can see more clearly. I have just a little too much fat in my hips. Everything else is good. So I will probably shoot for a little more. However, nothing can take away from the fact that I reached GOAL!!!!!!!!! Hip, hip hooray!

Before I close this blog entry, just want to apologize for so little attention to my blog. I've pretty much been on a computer vacation this summer. I've been so very busy. I've become a full time babysitter, while my niece undergoes training for her new job. By the time I can give the kids back to the parents, it's all been about doing things like walking (2 to 5 miles), then relaxing a little before heading to bed. The computer has been the last thing on my mind.

I will be returning to school in the next couple of weeks. After that happens, I should begin to post a little more! Meanwhile, despite the busy schedule, I'm CELEBRATING! I can't believe I finally achieved my GOAL! So everyone, jump up and shout, clap your hands, yell out in joy right along with me! :)

Interesting Insight

2009-06-30T21:44:00.006-06:00

I realized something so interesting today, that I wanted to share my latest insight. I'll start off by giving you some background.

When I weighed in at 387, and was on oxygen 24/7, I was pretty incapacitated in many ways. I had to move to another apartment, due to plans of my then landlord, to renovate the place. I wasn't really able to pack or carry a single box in the move. I had a hard time walking 10 feet, even with oxygen. It was tough to lug around that little oxygen tank, or so I thought. I had friends and family pretty much pack up my whole apartment and move it, while I sat and watched.

With the loss of the 227 1/2 lbs so far, obviously many things in my life have really changed. Recently, a family member underwent surgery. Due to it's effects on her, I've stepped in to carry the heavy loads, she can't or shouldn't. In the past, I remember feeling so sorry for people carrying the heavy loads for me. Here I am, a few years later, and I am carrying the heavier loads when needed and helping out.

What's interesting to me though, is that no matter what I was carrying both today, and in the past since I've become more able, NONE of it has been hard to carry. It always seems so easy and I often feel energetic and ready to do more after each task I've completed. I finally realized something today. NOTHING is as hard to lift or carry around as the 227 extra lbs I used to take everywhere I went. It was harder for me to walk across the room, than it is for me now to carry many heavy loads around. I can unload the car of all the big items my family member bought at Costco, with many trips from my car parked on the street into the house, then turn around and bring in her sleeping children from the car one at a time; and still have plenty of energy to do more.

No wonder I could barely move from anywhere I was ever sitting in the past. I wasn't in any kind of shape to carry 227 extra pounds anywhere, yet I spent every moment of my life doing so. How sweet it is to be able to do just about EVERYTHING I need to do, or want to do and to find it all so EASY to do. No wonder I find myself sometimes at late at night, as I head to bed, dancing and prancing around as I get ready for bed! :) I've got so much energy to spare, now that I have a drastically smaller body to move. Sweet!

Maybe this year!

2009-06-28T23:59:00.002-06:00

I've once again been contacted by PR at Jenny Craig. They are definitely going to try and see if they can get my story submitted to People magazine for their next "Half my Size" issue. Last year, we were too close to the deadline to really get it in. This year we are starting early. Cross your fingers for me everyone!

By the way, if anyone out there is inspired by my story, please share with me anything you'd like about how I may have inspired you. Jenny Craig PR has asked me to include that information for them when I submit more pictures and details of my story. So, I'd love to hear from anyone that hasn't something for me to include. They will really have to "sell" my story so that it will stand out from the rest. Anything you guys know that will help sell my story would be appreciated.

By the way, I'm currently about 2 1/2 lbs from goal. I'm really encouraged by that. I really struggled in the weeks following my brother's passing. Grief was causing me to resort to emotional eating, and did cause a little weight gain. Thankfully, I finally reached a point I was able get back on program, and lose the weight I gained. So after 227 1/2 lbs lost, I'm almost to my 230 lb loss goal! I've been working towards this since December 2005.

Perseverance really is the key. There have been many bumps in the roads, in the last year, there have been more ups and downs; as the end got nearer. I am amazed at the fact that I'm going to achieve something I thought impossible just 4 years ago; and that I hadn't even dreamed of trying to do. Four years ago, I had given up any dreams of a better life. Perseverance and a dream, among other things got me here. Incredible!

My Beloved Brother

2009-06-16T21:40:00.006-06:00

Last week I lost my brother. I'm truly grateful that I had the opportunity to have such a wonderful brother in my life. I have so many wonderful memories to sustain me at this time.

During a sleepless night, just prior to the funeral, I found comfort going to my computer, looking at pictures and videos from a visit I had with him last summer. My favorite pictures are he and I standing together, arm in arm. If you can't tell by the expression of on my face, I do adore him.

I love the picture below, as he was often laughing and joking. Seeing this picture makes me smile, and reminds me of his awesome sense of humor.

Sad as this time is for me, I'm grateful for the honor I had to be by his bedside during those last few days of his life. Emotionally they were tough, but I am so grateful for all the moments I could comfort him, hold his face in my hands and tell him that I loved him. He told me he loved me, surprised me with a sweet stroke of my face, in another moment, unexpectedly, and weakly lifted up his arms to hug me more than once. I will treasure these moments forever. I'm grateful for those last few days with him, hard as they were.

Bob, I love you. I'm so grateful I had such an extraordinary brother in my life. While I suffer from grief for myself right now, I know you are in a better place, happy and whole. Thank you for everything you did for me in life.

P. S. In the next day or two, I'll add a video I love, from that time; provided I can figure out how to edit it. So if anyone is still reading my blog (and counters seem to indicate no one is anymore check back here then.

Later note: I guess I won't be adding a video as it's been sooooo long since I learned how to do it in a class, that I've totally forgotten how! Maybe when I get time. Meanwhile, any family members that read this. If you want to see the videos I have of Bob, contact me and I'll send them to you.

Weight Loss Fallacy

2009-05-23T19:26:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I was watching Oprah. Her guest were Kirstie Alley, and a man known who has lost more weight than anyone ever has. It was all about people that have fallen off the wagon and gained weight. The man had lost 1000 lbs, then gained it all back.

I've been there, lose weight, gain it back, lose weight, gain it back. this time around, my attitude and how I regard this whole process is a very different thing. To start with, I didn't go on a 'diet'. Diets are restrictive and a 4 letter word with me. In truth, it's all the many times that I was such a successful dieter that made me so fat. Research has proven that the majority of people that lose weight, gain it back, plus more. The first time I ever had to lose weight, I only had to lose 40 lbs to be thin. For 20 years, I went up and down the scale, starting in high school and ending in my 40's. I finally realized no more diets.

When I was watching Oprah, the champion dieter, who had lost 1000 lbs, gained it back and was trying to lose again said something very interesting. There was a picture of him the day he reached goal weight. He said that after that picture and reaching goal weight, he went home and started eating. Then he said something that I realized is the whole problem with "dieting". He said something to the effect that when you start a diet, you intend to lose the weight, then at some point in time you get off the diet.

That is the weight loss fallacy. You HAVE to start a program to change the way you handle food, if you want success. You also have to change how you handle exercise, or the lack thereof. Granted, exercise is something I've come to understand more now, than I did the first three years of my weight loss journey. But it's still part of the key.

When I first started Jenny Craig, my daily caloric program was 2000 calories. My body could eat more because it worked so hard to drag this nearly 400 lb body around everywhere. After a certain weight was achieved, I went down to 1700 calories. Quite some time later, another weight was achieved and I had to go down to 1500 calories. Finally, I reached a weight where I had to go to 1200 calories a day.

There's a "Healthy Utah" program that is offered by the State of Utah, for whom I work. I attended an evaluation, where they checked my health and one of the things that was written on the paper, on top of my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, weight and other things, was the amount of calories to "maintain" my weight. It was something like 1589. What????

That's when it first began to click with me. I always knew that in this journey, I had to change the way I ate and could never go back to binging, emotional eating and all the other things I did. That is why a huge part of my journey wasn't just the Jenny Craig program, but renovating my whole life, most especially how I think. If I didn't change my brain, I would immediately go "off a diet, and go back to old habits". I remembered my struggle at first when I went to 1700 calories, then 1500, then 1200. To realize that 1700 calories would eventually cause me to gain weight, as my body is so small now, and takes so little energy to drag it around and live my day. I finally realized that to embark on a true weight loss program means not just changing my brain, but ALWAYS being aware of calories. I hated that. However, this was all made easier and much more bearable when I finally realized that if I wanted to "relax" and enjoy the special occasions here and there, I needed to burn more calories. That is when I finally got on the exercise bandwagon, and have started to become a walker.

It's a weight loss fallacy that you start a diet, and get off. You NEVER get off, unless you want to be back on the "yo-yo" gain and lose bandwagon again. I have to admit that one of the things that I REALLY like about Jenny Craig, is that their food is so good, that I don't feel like I'm being restrictive in anyway. That is good for my frame of mind. While I can't just go off program constantly, eat the high calorie things frequently, unless I want to sabotage myself; at least I can enjoy the foods I do eat, plan for special events and limit the extent of eating at the special occasions. I plan to be on Jenny Craig for life, just because I love their food, but also, because it takes a lot of pressure off me. I don't have to worry. I can enjoy the food, yet still engage in my social life and go out to eat occasionally. Planned times off program, can be accompanied by exercise to burn off those extra calories! Eureka, I CAN do that! :)

Pedometer Push

2009-05-22T19:45:00.003-06:00

It seems to take me a long time to learn what I really need to know, even the basic stuff! I hear information, but somehow it doesn't register or click. I've realized that my struggles to lose the last 5 lbs, as well as to keep from gaining during these last few months relies so much on exercise. If I am ready for a little more freedom with my food plan, then I need to boost up the exercise. To not do so, only makes my journey more difficult, if not outright sabotage.

Initially, I planned to join a gym. I've been members of gyms for long periods of time before. Eventually, I would quit going, and continue to pay. Always telling myself that I would go. I started investigating the different gyms near me, and even found a good deal. However, the real truth, I mentioned to my Jenny Craig center's manager, I hate to exercise. I have my own treadmill and hate to get on it. I was fighting with myself to make myself get on it. When I'd get on, then I'd set a goal, and push myself harder and higher, to the point where I did far more than I really wanted. Then I'd hate it more! She told me, DON'T join a gym and throw away your money. Just go walking! Was it that simple? It was after this that I discovered and did a I did a post in April about the Jordan River Parkway/bike path, my friend introduced me to. I discovered I liked walking.

With that discovery in mind, I saw the cutest little pedometer below at my Jenny Craig center and bought it. You can see the pedometer when it's closed in my picture below, as well as when it is open. Oh, and I must tell you that I took this picture early in the morning. The number of steps listed are VERY low due to this.

I started to wear my cute little pedometer. A funny thing happened as a result. As I began to wear it, I found myself becoming very aware every day of a few things. I learned how many steps I take on average. I watched the numbers go up and up and up when I went on very long walks lasting one or two hours. I would get so excited when I'd go for a walk and the numbers would come back so high! It turned out to motivate me even more. On busy days, when it was hard to find time to fit in a long walk, I'd find other ways to do it. I would eat my lunch in 15 minutes, then spend the rest of my lunch time on a brisk walk, trying to bring those numbers up. I found myself parking my car far away from where I needed to go, just so I could get those numbers bumped up! It's been fun to see the numbers go up, to realize all the little things I can do throughout the day to bump them up.

Last week I found a reality show on TV called, "I Want to Save Your Life", that I checked out. Apparently this guy helps people to make the changes they need to, in order to lose their weight and "save their lives". In the episode, he gave the couple a pedometer, and encouraged them to do about 10,000 steps a day. It clicked. I realized I'd heard that somewhere before, and more than once! Only now that I discover the pedometer for myself, I wonder why it took me so long to just discover how easy it is to just "walk"! Just keep adding those steps to my pedometer! Yes, it IS that easy!

Now granted, I'm probably not in wonderful shape and awesomely fit like you see from the people who spend lots of time in the gyms. Who knows, maybe someday I will change my views and find myself in the gym. Or maybe I'll find something else I like, that like walking, is "just that easy". For now, progress comes bit by bit, not all at once. I'm thrilled just to find another piece of the puzzle in my journey!

Posting a Gratitude Blog posting

2009-05-01T21:31:00.002-06:00

I have a private gratitude blog I keep that is very private. After reading a comment made after one of my entries in that blog; I decided that maybe this is one I should copy and post here on my public blog! The original date I entered this is my other blog is April 19th. Hope you'll all enjoy it!

(Copied from private gratitude blog)
I was just thinking today of how lucky I am to experience everything that I'm experiencing. I've gotta do a gratitude blog after thinking about all this while I worked.

I'm so grateful for Jenny Craig. I think without it, my health was so bad, it's possible I wouldn't still be alive by now.
I'm grateful to be alive and experiencing a life that is nothing short of miraculous. I've got two cochlear implants, lost 225 pounds, found love in my heart and joy in every minute and with whomever I encounter.
I'm grateful to Dick who's fatal journey and how he lived it was so inspirational to me, it made my current journey and life possible.
I'm grateful that I can walk several miles without oxygen, get down on the floor and back up with no problem, can fit regular seats, can 4 wheel in the desert, fit on a 4 wheeler, climb up a mountain, flirt with fun male friends, interact with just about everyone without shyness.
I'm grateful for the search to learn and to grow and the results and profound change that journey has been.
I'm grateful that I believe and live as if there are endless possibilities ahead and dreams that I can reach.

Lessons in Planning

2009-04-28T21:37:00.003-06:00

Here is the last of my posts, detailing my adventures. This one is a "not so great adventure", but a lesson for me otherwise.

When I returned home from Celebration, I had gone through some of my cochlear equipment stored in my closet. I realized that because I had two cochlear implants, I actually had an 2nd battery recharger that I wasn't using. I was recharging all my batteries every night on one recharger, and letting the other sit in a box. I took it out and determined that I needed to find some place else to keep it, where it would be nice to have 2nd recharger. I hadn't figured out where though.

While packing for St. George, I thought, "Wait! I don't need to pack my battery recharger, I can put the spare one in my suit case. Maybe that's where I can keep it, make it my spare recharger!" I thought I was pretty brilliant! Unfortunately, I NEVER thought to check it out and make sure it had all the parts I needed. Since the cochlear implant is sold world wide, it comes in a kit, where you can select the particular plug your country uses, and attach. I didn't notice that NO plug was attached.

I have a wonderful day on the first day of my trip. In the evening, my first cochlear device beeps at me, warning me that there's only about 5 or 10 minutes of battery time left. Cool, I'll go get the recharger and start it going, inserting the battery I wear while the other one charges. No problem! When I pulled the recharger out of the suitcase, went to plug it in, and noticed, no plugs, the bottom fell out of my whole world. I was immediately horror stricken, as my mind raced all over trying to figure out the impact and what to do. When my spare battery died, which would happen part way through the next day, I would be rendered deaf and in an utterly silent world! I still had a two and a half more days of vacation and fun planned. What would I do without my hearing.

I do have the ability to wear regular hearing aid batteries to power my devices, rather than the recharge ables. However, you must have a little insert to put the batteries in, in order for this to be a viable option. I NEVER packed those inserts! Years of experience found regular hearing aid batteries were in my purse, as they ALWAYS are, but there were of no good without the inserts. I was horror stricken.

Connie, bless her heart, didn't really get what the big deal was. During the years since I've been implanted, she's lived in Southern Utah. We've not had that much time that we could spend together, as we used to, during the many years before implant, when I wore only one hearing aid, and really heard VERY little in comparison to what I do now. So what if I go deaf? That's the person she's used to. She keeps having a hard time taking in all the things I can hear. Me, on the other hand, am now SPOILED by sound! It's made my life easier, and just like the device I wear, named the "Freedom", it does give me freedom.

We had a full calendar of events planned for the 2nd day of my trip. A visit to a ghost town, a hike in Zion's canyon and etc. I was really excited for all that. However, now I was going to go deaf. Do I turn around and drive back to Salt Lake the next day, virtually ending my trip? Connie and her husband were sure I could get a plug that would work on my recharger, at radio shack the next morning. I knew I couldn't. My implant parts are specially engineered by the remarkable Jim Patrick and team in Australia. However, I humored them and we spent the next morning visiting Radio Shack, Batteries Plus and Best Buy, searching for a part.

Once my friends believed me that there would be nor parts locally, we went back to their home and called Cochlear. The nearest place to get the part was Salt Lake (no surprise to me!). However, Connie, bless her heart, realized that we were actually close to Las Vegas. They had lots of places in Vegas. She called the different numbers of Implant Audiologists in Vegas, until we found a wonderful lady who was willing to help us. She had a Freedom sitting their, waiting for a patient who wasn't going to be healed enough from surgery to wear it for a couple of weeks. She took the part out of their kit, and would have Cochlear send another part for them. Not only that, she'd do it for FREE. We just had to drive the two hours to Vegas. For the chance to hear, I would do it gladly! :)

By the time we got to Vegas to her office, it was 2:30 in the afternoon. Gone was our ghost town visit and Zion's hike. More bad luck, she was with a patient when we arrived. Implant audiology appointments are often about an hour or so long, as we "map" the devices to give us hearing. Yep, we spent an hour in the waiting room. After this little adventure, we set out for the Bellagio, ended up at the Mirage (don't know how that happened, as I distinctly put "Bellagio" into map quest!). That was how we ended up seeing the white lions and tigers I wrote about above. We only had two short hours in Vegas, before we had to drive back for a commitment in St. George.

My lesson: "When it comes to my hearing, plan, and make as many back up plans as you possibly think of. It's too important to hear, in the way I life my life. I will make it a point to always pack the inserts that take hearing aid batteries. Secondly, test and try out everything before you pack it! I will NEVER allow myself to be at risk of missing the incredible gift of sound, and living my life to the fullest as a result. Plan A, Plan B and Plan C if necessary will now be a part of all my travel plans!

4 Wheeling Divas

2009-04-25T23:52:00.002-06:00

It has taken me much too long to do the more recent posts I promised, detailing some of my fun travels. When I first decided to renovate my life, I felt like I was "missing out on life". I spent my life in front of the TV, and life just passed me by. There were so many things I had never done, and didn't know if I ever could. Being nearly 400 lbs, linked to my oxygen tank 24/7, I felt there was no way I'd ever get a chance to really have some great experiences.

All the experiences I had due to Cochlear Celebration at the end of March, and my spring vacation in Southern Utah at the beginning of April, were sublime. At one time, I never could have believed I could do the things I've done recently. It was with great delight, that I discovered I was invited to play with my friend Connie on her "new husband's" toys! They have 4 Wheelers. I've never gone 4 Wheeling before, and was delighted at another chance for more opportunities to really LIVE my life and enjoy some absolutely awesome moments. Here are the photos

Here I am, first thing in the morning, all decked out! I borrowed Connie's hat put on my sunglasses and was raring for adventure!

It was pretty cool to find all the unique formations out in the Southern Utah desert. This little "hole in the rock" was one of our beginning finds during our ride.

How in the world could I be able to fit into the crevice in this rock and turn it into my personal little chair! At the moment I sat in this rock, I was marveling that I could actually fit here, and do something fun but small like this as part of my adventure.

Here we are, my friend of some 26 years, Connie, astride our "ride for the day! We had a BALL!!

In my learning to enjoy the moments, I've discovered that instead of hiding from the camera, like I used to, I always MUST, MUST ham it up big time. In previous posts, there is ample documentation of my odd sense of humor at work! With this picture and the one below, I pretend to be a 4 Wheeling daredevil!

This was one of the most beautiful formations that we rode through!

At this place, there were ancient pictrographs from the early Native American Inhabitants. What an awesome thing to find.

We stopped and had lunch by this little river. I was actually suprised to see this little river running through the desert

This picture to me, had the feel of Rocky on the top steps of the museum in I think that old Sylvester Stallone movie. I couldn't believe, that "effortlessly", I climbed up to the top of this particular stone formation, with the stone path that went straight down! At one time in my life, I wouldn't have even tried to climb up there. I dared, it was EASY, and I felt heroic and excited to be alive, as I stood up there at the top! Life IS great!

Lions and Tigers, Oh My! (and dolphins too!)

2009-04-19T20:11:00.002-06:00

I spent a few days in Southern Utah for my spring vacation this year. I was so lucky to be able to spend lots of quality time with one of my best friends who lives in La Verkin. One day we made a quick little trip down to Las Vegas. While trying to find The Bellagio, my iPhone mapquest took us to The Mirage! Go figure! Since we ended up there and couldn't find The Bellagio, we made the most of our mapquest error and saw the dolphins, white lions and tigers that are there. Just thought I'd share the pictures! Hope you enjoy them!

Connie and I, inside The Mirage.

A mother dolphin and her baby.

It is amazing to see a white lion. My first sighting ever!

I took this photo because it was amazing that the lion had pulled up the sod and was eat/attacking it!

White tigers enjoying a relaxing day! :)

Eleven month old tigers playing in this picture and the one below. It was fun to watch them run, chase and tussle with each other.

Wilderness in the City

2009-04-17T21:20:00.004-06:00

I search now for ways to be physically active, as it's really a key to my eventual success in this weight battle. My Jenny Craig director advised me to find things to do outside with the weather being so nice, rather than keep searching for a good gym alternative. She suggested this, since I stated how much I hate working out, in the same breath as I'm telling her about a gym search. For now, I've decided to follow her advice and see where it leads me. Thanks to my friend Diane, she helped me out by introducing me to the Jordan River Bike Path that runs along the the Jordan River. I kind of knew it was there, as she's been there many times and told me about it. However, between my two vacations, we fit a small walk in it. After my return, we did a two hour walk in on the last beautiful day before stormy weather came back to roost a while. I was amazed to find all this "wilderness" type landscape in SLC suburban area. I've driven past so many of the areas where we walked, never seeing the hidden paths and realizing what was really there. I thought I'd share the pictures I or Diane took on our two walks through SLC's wilderness! :)

You're kidding me, this is suburban SLC???

More wilderness in my city!

Thanks to Diane for introducing me to this part of the "city"!

Shall I plug my nose and dive in?

Nah! I'll just close my mouth and dive in! My day isn't complete if I don't ham it up for the camera!

Wow! I had no idea this fascinating pathway and river wander right under the freeway I drive!

Looking out at the river while mid-way across! I enjoyed the view!

More Coming Attractions

2009-04-12T22:36:00.002-06:00

I've had a productive evening posting, as you can all see from the previous two posts. However, there's so much more to post! I've been having so much fun, I just can't keep up! Shortly upon returning home, spring vacation arrived! This year I actually planned something fun to do during this time. I went on a trip to St. George area where one of my best friends lives. I've got post to write and pictures to share from that trip. Titles you can expect to see in the near future is: "Wilderness in the City?" "Lions and Tigers Oh My!" (short posts for this, maybe just pictures). "Four Wheeling Divas", and less fun but still to be shared, my experiences and "Lessons in Planning". I'll be in touch!

Celebration Rocks!

2009-04-12T22:04:00.003-06:00

This is my last post about Cochlear Celebration in Anaheim! I wanted to share some thoughts about it, ever since I got back! As you've seen by some of my posts, there's been so much to write about, it has taken me time to get to this.

At Cochlear Celebration in Anaheim, I was fortunate to be in a room with literally hundreds and hundreds of people with cochlear implants (I think around 500 to 700 people with them). Everyone from young toddlers to seniors was sporting their implant! It was absolutely incredible! I loved the instant connection and the sense of family that I felt during the whole time.

What's more, due to my own personal journey to change my life, live in the moment and celebrate the "now", I think I enjoyed myself more than I ever have before. I discovered the real me. I discovered that I am an extrovert! I would have never have guessed this at one time. I made so many new friends, lived so much joy, I couldn't contain it. I frequently would dance around with joy. People would watch me and laugh or smile. I wasn't the quite little mouse in the corner that hoped no one would pay attention to me. I felt like I had charisma and drew people to me. I had my own little "Celebration" dance that I frequently did. The music would be playing as we'd enter some of the big events. I'd be dancing and singing, "Celebration!" One old man said to me, "Do you ever run out of energy!" I laughed and smiled, "NO!!" He laughed and said, "I used to be like that when I was young!" I was flattered! Every time he'd see me, he'd laugh and joke with me about my energy!

At Celebration, my batteries kept being charged up and there was more energy than I could keep in my body. I had to let it out. Gone was the shy, isolated person. I'd make friends, be greeted the next day when I'd see the people I'd met the day before with warm hugs. Wow! Instant laughter, instant joy! Oh, and you know what, I found out I am a FLIRT! (You can ask Diane about that one, she got to watch me really go at it!) It was so common to see everyone with a cochlear implant, that after the Celebration ended, and my friends went to Disneyland the next day(Remember "Four Old Ladies Do Disney" post?); something was profoundly missing. I noticed no one there had an implant (except my little group). It was an affirmation to see so many people wearing one, and celebrating, as did I; their own little transformed lives!

What happened to the woman who didn't want to live past 50? What happened to the woman with an oxygen tank who couldn't walk 10 feet without her lip turning a little blue? What happened to the woman who was so embarrassed if anyone noticed her. Obviously, she was NOT the real me. She was buried under tons of fat and negative attitudes. The real "Ann" was on display and having a ball at Celebration 2009! I AM everything I dreamed and wished I could be. The hard work to change how I THINK, is paying off big time. The hard work to loose all the fat that I was hiding behind is paying off as well. The person who could barely move, was at the hotel gym at 10:00 p.m. trying like he dickens to work out hard enough to get her heart rate up to where it was supposed to go! How did she get this fit? While I'm not as fit as I could be, apparently my Jenny Craig program has been awesome for my heart. I had a 13% incline on the treadmill and a high speed (where I felt like I could hardly hang on), before my heart rate would go where it needed to be. Huh? My resting heart rate was usually above 100. Now, it's closer to 50. I'm transformed in so many ways!

I'm grateful to have gone on this journey. I am transformed. The transformed person, can squeeze every ounce of joy that is possible to get, out of the event I've wanted to attend for years, Cochlear Celebration! Celebration! Celebration!! Yes, dance and sing with me, "Celebration!" "Celebration!" Whoo Hoo!!! :)

Pioneering Heroes

2009-04-12T20:58:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if people understand that a big miracle has already happened. Hard work and decades of work on the other side of the world (Australia), during the early 70's on up is directly responsible for transforming my world. Above you see the picture of my number one hero. I haven't been fortunate to meet him, but he is Dr. Graeme Clark. He is the pioneer who did the impossible. His father was a pharmacist who was deaf. Customer's would come into the pharmacy and try to ask in quiet embarrassed voices for private personal items. His father couldn't hear and any attempt at privacy was lost as voices had to be raised. Dr. Clark vowed to find out if there was anyway to help those that are deaf, like his father. He spent years researching, even standing on the street corner begging for money, when there was none to support his research. Without his dream and passion, my life wouldn't be what it is now. I hope to one day meet him. Maybe at Cochlear Celebration 2011 if I'm lucky!

Dr. Clark's first employee was the engineer, Jim Patrick, who's picture I took at Cochlear Celebration in Anaheim. He is the one who had to figure out how to make it all possible, do the engineering. I was fortunate to hear him speak at Cochlear Celebration in Anaheim, to meet him, converse with him, as well as to give him a hug and thank him for all the work he did that transformed my life and those of thousands other. He said in his speech, that there are 120,000 people with implants now. That's 120,000 lives changed. When I got my chance to talk with him, I told him that 120,000 was too small a number. There are millions of lives changed, when you think of all the families who's lives were/are also changed. He had a little petri type dish that contained electrodes that like those that are inside my cochlea. They looked like little specks of gold. When I looked at the same specks in the microscope, I saw the intricate detail of each of the golden rings (as they looked like they were), that will have have finely engineered wire the size of a human hair going through their center, before implantation. I'm amazed. I listened with interest as Jim Patrick talked about the many milestones in their research. He talked about things that happened in 1976, 1978 and etc. Each time he mentioned a date, I'd think of what I was doing in those years. As I told Jim later, if someone had told me on those dates, oh so many years ago, that a man like him was doing the research a half a world away from me in Australia, that would transform my life, I wouldn't have believed it. We NEVER know who is out there working on the next miracle that will touch us. I'm grateful for the current miracle, as well as for the once in a lifetime opportunity to personally meet and converse with one of my pioneering heroes. He was a very enjoyable to chat with later at Disneyland, as we waited for the fireworks to start. All the time, I was thinking, "Pinch me! Am I really standing here shooting the breeze and talking to my hero?"

Rod Saunders is my next pioneering hero. Of the three men I mention here, he is no longer with us. He attended the last Cochlear Celebration in 2007, but passed away later that year. So I wasn't able to meet him in Cochlear Celebration 2009. He was the first person to be implanted with the cochlear implant. I remember all the thinking and struggle before my first implant. Was it worth the risk? In truth, the risk were very minimal for me. I'd already seen lots of people with implants, such as my sister. I had lots of data available to me. Even so, it was a difficult decision. Rod Saunders had none of that. My processor fits on my ear. His processor was a whole roomful of computers. He underwent a surgery no one had ever done or had before. He could only hope to hear when he went into the room, once a week, or however often he went in there as a research subject. He had no clue if he would ever hear, if the surgery would succeed. He was willing to try. That to me is the ultimate bravery. Because of him, 120,000 people can hear now, and millions of lives of their family and friends are touched. While I never will be lucky enough to meet him since he has passed on. Yes, Diane (my friend who reads my blog and frequently posts comments) I am jealous that you got to meet all three of men I've written about here! :) Though I will never meet him, I can still honor him and the role he played in bringing about the miracle I experience every time I attach the processor to my head and turn it on. The sound is on, I'm on the air!

Thank you Dr. Clark, Jim Patrick and Rod Saunders for all the passion, hard work and sacrifice that allow me to talk on the phone, listen to an audio book, enjoy music, overhear jokes, quips and funny remarks, understand the voices of the children, hear the babble of the infant and connect easily with the people I love. Thank you for all the little children I see, learning to talk, listen, hear and be fully part of their families. Isolation isn't something they will have to live with due to this miracle. Their achievements in the future are limitless as this miracle allows them to soar more fully and easily to future greatness. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live a life, touched by a miracle and the pioneers that made it possible.

Four Old Ladies Do Disney

2009-04-05T22:21:00.002-06:00

When Cochlear Celebration ended, myself and my 3 Utah friends stayed behind to spend a day at the theme parks! We certainly didn't fit the normal demographics of Disneyland and California Adventures! Just thought I'd share some pictures! Here we are, screaming on California Screaming!

Adventurous old broads, ain't we? We didn't stop there! Three of us went for a ride on the Tower of Terror! Here, we are again, being dropped out of the sky! :)

I tried to take a picture at one point in the day, and all I got was "tired old ladies" pictures! Don't you agree?

Being a polite photographer, wanting to help the ladies be at their best, I politely said the time worn photographer's phrase, "Smile!" Tired ladies no longer! They look alive! :)

I couldn't resist adding this picture of three of us posing with the letter "A"! If you notice, I'm sitting on the ground here! That in itself is a minor miracle. It wasn't until this last year that I dared to sit on the ground. There was a time I couldn't make it up off the ground without someone on each side of me lifting me up, taking great care to not touch on my bad knee on the way up. Plopping onto the ground to fit in the picture with my friends is a victory of sorts!

Disneyland and California Adventures wore me out! However, there were so many victories in the day, that I'm glad I went. Victories: 1) Being able to spend the day on my feet without too much difficulty. 2) Being able to walk miles and miles, no oxygen in sight. 3) Being able to keep up with the group and walking fast. I used to always lag behind everyone and it nearly killed me to try and walk faster. 4) Being able to fit in all the rides!

The Price of Embarrassment

2009-04-04T20:53:00.003-06:00

I had a lot of fun, engaging in the art of "snappy and witty repartee"! It's not very often I find anyone who's sense of humor clicks with mine and we have tons of fun with this. In one such round, I managed to embarrass him, leaving him speechless! According to his friend Carol, no one is able to do that. After rendering him speechless, he proceeded to pull a dollar out of his bill fold and pay me for that one! The comment that left him speechless, was after he compared something (I can't remember what), to being as difficult as undoing a woman's bra. I cooed back, "I didn't know you had so much experience with that!" He was speechless and couldn't find anything to say in response. The whole group of us laughed as he sputtered, trying to find something to say!

We snapped another picture of him giving me the dollar, in case the lighting was bad on the first picture.

So here I was, crowing with excitement that I could embarrass him and feeling pretty good. Then Carol asked me, "Ann, what's your last name?" What did I do? I certainly didn't answer her, I went searching for my name tag around my neck to show her. You have to understand it was a habit to show name tags with all these cochlear implantees, as it's hard to hear specific names. However, in the midst of hunting for my name tag, I realized what I was doing. The whole group laughed uproariously at my not knowing my last name, without searching for it. I was laughing right along with them in sheepish embarassment! Carol then became the proud recipient of the $1.00, just for embarassing me!

The price of fun? It can't be counted. There is joy to be found, moment to enjoy, in just having simple conversation, laughter, and exchanging witty repartee (I think Diane would call that flirting!) :)

Where's Goofy?

2009-04-01T22:59:00.004-06:00

So does my title lead you to think that I'm going to talk about the Disney character that can be found here with his buddies at Disneyland? I DID see Goofy, and all his friends, but I FOOLED you, (It's still April Fool's Day for at least another 20 minutes!) If you guessed the goofy below, you're WRONG! :)

The real subject of the blog is living in the moment! When you in the moment, you can find joy and goofiness anywhere! Below are three other possible winners you can vote on for the "Where's Goofy"? contest. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you some other possible
candidate for Goofy?

CANDIDATE #1

Above you I present candidate #1! Don't ask this innocent little photographer what in the world she did to deserve such brazenly goofy treatment!

CANDIDATE #2

Here we have Candidate #2! Believe it or not, this gentlemen can be found all over Cochlear Americas materials and videos. Yes, yes, he is a likable fellow, but I daresay none of this materials shows the Goofy #2 that this naive' little photographer had an encounter with. Believe me, she's not paparazzi!

CANDIDATE #3

What? You know her? Really? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I now present for your voting pleasure Candidate #3, Ms. Little Skinny Herself! :) For a little "illegal swaying of the voting bloc", let me present one little tidbit. You'd have never found Goofy #1 or Goofy #2, if Goofy #3 wasn't egging them on! (Vote me, vote me!)

Now that I've presented your three voting options! The polls are now open! (Management regrets to apologize for the elimination of the Disney Goofy. He just wasn't goofy enough for this competition and is out of the race!)

In addition to the voting options below, I have a challenge. Can you figure out what all three "Goofys" have in common! The only clue I will give you is that they did all spend the last weekend attending Cochlear Celebration. Please enter your guesses along with your votes!

(Here's crossing my fingers for a certain someone to win the "Where's Goofy"? contest.)

Coming Attractions

2009-03-31T22:47:00.003-06:00

Hello Everyone!!! I'm back from having the time of my life at Cochlear Celebration, in warm, sunny Anaheim, California. I'm a little overwhelmed with all there is to do here at home, and have to hit the ground running, so it will take me some time to fully update my blog with all the thoughts and going ons I want to share. Keep your eyes peeled! I will work on getting a post or two a day added over the next few days, as time allows. Possible coming attraction titles, "Celebration", "The Price of Embarrassment", Where's Goofy? "Pioneering Hero", "Four Old Ladies Do Disney". I'll be in touch! :)

Wow! What a surprise!

2009-03-24T23:58:00.002-06:00

It's not everyday you get pleasant surprises! I was notified that a book was put together, for whom I had submitted a little humorous anecdote. They sent me the link to order the book. When I clicked on the link, I saw that I could preview the book! Imagine my surprise, to open the preview and find a picture of me with my anecdote right at the front of the book! Click on the title above to see the book! How FUN! I think I am famous now! :-)

Weighty Struggles

2009-03-21T18:38:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. I'm kind of just hanging in there at the moment and struggling big time with my weight! I went to dinner with a friend and gained 4 pounds the next day. I felt pretty defeated that one meal could do me in so badly. Before weigh in time the next week, I sat attended a two day conference where it might as well have been raining food. My resistance was "nil" as I noticed my mood was such that I felt deprived if I tried to resist. The week that followed wasn't any better. Needless to say, to keep myself from getting down about the current struggles, I have weighed the last two weeks with my back to the scale, so I don't have to face up to where it is! I've not allowed my consultant to tell me where it is, but she did tell me it's not as bad as I think it is! I'll hold onto that!

One of my struggle occurs because of the realization that my whole life will be a constant effort to be vigilant. With a little body, it gains weight soooooo easily. Heck, I can tell by how easy it is to live in the body, it doesn't take so many calories to operate it. I'm not lugging around that extra 224 lbs every moment of the day. So it shouldn't be a surprise, or difficult for me to wrap my mind around the "eternal vigilance" concept in terms of my daily caloric intake. My only chance to get the upper hand, in times when I'm struggling to make the best choices, is to increase the activity and really exercise. I've not been doing well on that lately.

Next week I leave town for about six days to go to Anaheim for Cochlear Celebration. I'm really excited about the trip, but a little stressed that I'm starting the trip with the weight struggles currently not being handled well. I think I've forgotten the lessons I've been learning about living in the now, and allowed myself to be weighed down by the concern over the food challenges ahead.

I do keep telling myself not to get down about the fact that this is a life-long effort, and to be so grateful that at least I'm battling the weight ups and downs from this end of the scale, rather than from the top end of the scale some 224 lbs ago. When I reached the new weight loss number a few weeks ago, I had hoped to lost about 3.9 more lbs before I left for Anaheim. Why? Because I'd be out of the 160s and into the 150s. The 150s was where my goal weight was situated. Unfortunately, that isn't happening, so I'm trying to make peace with where I am now and be positive.

I guess the good news is that I am at least trying to take some action. I'm currently doing some research of different gyms, trying to find something good enough that I will keep going after I start! I find that it's pretty difficult to force myself on my treadmill these days, as I just hate it at times. When I return (just before April Fools day), I hope I will have made up my mind regarding the best gym choice and be motivated and ready to hit the ground running!

I'm grateful that I do have some fun ahead of me. First I have the Anaheim convention and all the fun that entails. A couple of weeks later I have another shorter trip planned in St. George area with one of my best friends, during the week that I have off for Spring Vacation from school. There really IS lots to look forward to. Here's to reminding myself to live in the "NOW again, enjoy my moments now, as well as continue to be excited for all the fun ahead. I'll make it a goal to look for opportunities to be active during the vacations and not let myself get bogged down feeling the stress of the food choices not being so perfect!! :)

Don't expect much posting between now and the first of April! I've got a busy week ahead of me until I leave, and then I'm off!!!! Toodle-ooo! Here's wishing you all a good week ahead and success in overcoming all your own struggles!

Don't Believe Everything You Think

2009-03-10T21:28:00.002-06:00

I was just reading a little item that had been emailed to me. I came across the quote, "Don't believe everything you think". I think that quote is really profound and very helpful. When I was young, I don't know if we're quoting from something my sibling heard somewhere or what, but I remember one of my siblings and I joking and saying this, "Do you know what thought did?" Reply, "No." "Thought thought wrong". I think we thought this was pretty clever and a funny play on words. Little did we know how true this often is.

So many times I've become more aware of things I thought, there were wrong. I've been endeavoring to open my mind and listen to other opinions or explanations of where I might be wrong, without getting defensive. I need to be open in order to learn. I've also become just as aware of how strongly other people hold onto their erroneous thoughts. The thoughts that I'm picking up as erroneous, are ones that are really damaging to the person who believes them. To give a simplistic example, "That is such an ugly picture of me, I don't want anyone seeing that picture", sadly spoken with real hate and venom. The truth was the picture was a really awesome picture from years ago, that always touched me by the beauty in her. This is a very simplistic example, but I hope it illustrates what I'm trying to say here.

I've worked really hard in recent months to filter my thoughts very carefully. When I catch the negative ones coming in, I work to get a hold of myself and stop and analyze that. I work to find the real truth, which often allows me to eliminate that. Or barring that, to find a positive way to look at something. This internal effort goes on during all my waking moments. It's a constant policing effort. The good news for me, is that the more I do it, the more skilled I become at catching things and stopping them, and even stop thinking bad stuff all together. I am often finding myself able to prevent wrong thoughts, negative thoughts and bad thoughts from taking hold and sending me spiraling down emotionally. There are still times where I fail a little. The good news is, that I'm much quicker at catching on to the "criminal activity" and sending those little thought police out to do a better job of cleaning up the streets (my mind) and restoring law and order (peace an internal harmony).

The interesting thing about this process, is how quickly I catch on to someone else doing the same thing to themselves in the things they say. When you have such strong brakes, they react just as strongly to other's thoughts. It actually hurts me to hear anyone, but most especially people I care about; not only tear themselves down, but to negatively judge and tear apart the motives, actions and thoughts of others. The sad part is, that the times I've tried to tactfully show them a different way to see it, I've not been heard. The person seems to believe everything they think, and refuse to realize that "Thought thought wrong", or be incapable of understanding that "Thought CAN think wrong".

It's a struggle to to have an active strong "thought police force" in the beginning. However, it's so worth it. As I continue to grow and learn in so many areas of my life, at least I'm not throwing myself off the cliff anymore. Therefore I'm more open to learn the lessons I need to, and to attempt to find the next path I need to go down in my growth process. I've got a long way to go. I know I'm on the right path as I feel joy and happiness deep within. I don't have the job I want, enough money to stop working a 2nd job, or the relationship I always hoped for. None of that has happened during this renovation process. However, the internal journey has revealed that the joy, true happiness is within. An active thought police helps you to uncover and truly appreciate what is hiding within the depths of your soul. The true and awesome YOU.

Number Change!

2009-02-27T21:24:00.002-07:00

Normally I don't post my weekly weight loss efforts tally, but will break with that today. Why? Because I finally got rid of the weight I gained at Christmas and then some! After 2 months of saying I'd loss 222 lbs, and several posts ago joking about all the twos that applied to me, I'm finally in some new numbers. As of today, I've lost 224.1! After I lose slightly less than a pound (.9), I will be within 5 lbs of goal. I'm thrilled to be moving forward again. I knew I would eventually, as I struggled with all the events that have thrown me off course. I'm glad to be there. CELEBRATION time for me folks! :)

Joy of Now

2009-02-26T20:10:00.003-07:00

One of the things I seem to be re-learning anew this week, is how wonderful life is, if you allow yourself to truly live in the now. I've stated in an earlier post some time ago the fact that now is all we really have. The past is gone, out of your hands, and it's not worth it to re-hash, obsess, hold grudges or let it take anymore control of you. The future never happens. When we are so obsessed with the future, we miss NOW. We look so much to the future, that when it becomes "now" we judge it, grouse about it, and find fault. Our "now" was yesterday's future. To truly enjoy the future, you have to enjoy the "now".

Think of your favorite treat. Do you savour every morsel and bite? Let it melt in your mouth, fully feel the texture of it? Think of how much pleasure you gave yourself as you forgot about everything and just totally gave yourself over to the enjoyment. That's what it's like to truly live in "now". For example, when driving in the mountains today, I'm driving through areas I routinely see as I commute to the different students I work with. However, today I made sure to really "look" at the view, to empty my head of thoughts, worry, routine, and just savour the visual treats before me. The visual treats of my normally routine trip, left me in awe, and my mind reeling as I took in the sights, really took them in. The other day, I drove home from the office, and I felt joy as I saw two young boys enjoying themselves while they walked home, saw the sweetness of a father walking with his toddler son. I was realizing how sweet so many of these moments really were, in my glances as I passed them.

All of this appreciation for "now" isn't coming out of the blue. It's no accident that I've been listening to Eckhart Tolle's audio book called "The Power of Now" as I drove this week. I'm not necessarily recommending it to anyone, as I know some people will be closed off to it, feeling like maybe it doesn't fit in with their "spiritual" views. However, I feel that so much of what he has to say can teach us how to live our best life. I love to feel myself continue to be transformed by this very personal journey I'm on. The feeling of joy I feel as I truly focus on "now" is one I don't ever want to lose. I'm sure, being human, I will forget what I'm learning many times, and have to re-learn the lessons. It seems so many of life's simple lessons are easiest forgotten. I wish you all joy.

Opportunity Strikes

2009-02-22T00:01:00.003-07:00

A quote I read in the last few months goes through my head at times. I don't know remember the exact verbiage (hey, my memory IS that bad!), but the gist of it is that when opportunity comes, grab it. It never comes again.

So many times, I've not taken advantage of opportunities. I've thought and re-thought things too many times, always having lots of excuses for why I can't/won't. Sometimes the opportunities are small, sometimes they're big.

Today was a day for a small opportunity. The mail volume was low at work and much to my surprise, they allowed us to leave work 3 hours before our shift was over. Wow! What an unexpected gift. Here was an opportunity to do something fun on a weekend afternoon. Most of my weekends are exercises in survival and getting through them. While my weekend job is no stress in some ways, it's very stressful in others. What to do, how to take advantage of this opportunity. It once was, that I'd go straight home and decompress from the stress of a 2nd job, if I was able to leave early. Today, I decided to strike while the iron was hot and DO something fun.

I checked out my PDA and saw that there was an captioned movie playing in 30 minutes. (There's only one movie in the whole SLC valley that's captioned at any given time, something that we really need to change! But that's neither here nor there). I would have loved to have friends or family join me. However, if I spent my time trying to text/email my friends and family trying to find someone free, I'd be too late to make it. I decided I was going to just go out by myself, have fun, catch a movie and do whatever I wanted to! Off I went and caught the only movie in town I could enjoy today. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop".

The funny thing is, I didn't even want to see this movie when I saw clips for it. However, nothing was going to stop me from "enjoying rare time off work on a beautiful afternoon". It was a funny movie! I had a great time and got to enjoy lots of laughs!

I got home tonight at my normal time, but feeling refreshed, able to enjoy the time with the little ones, rather than feeling drained and a need to isolate that often hits me as I struggle to survive the weekend. I love opportunity and can't wait for the next time it knocks!

Is two my lucky number?

2009-02-10T23:23:00.002-07:00

I attended an event tonight put on by Cochlear Americas, the company which makes the brand of cochlear implants I wear. From the time cochlear implants first were invented and found to be successful until more recently, people would only implant ear. In the last few years, research has been done that proved that two cochlear implants are better than one. I jumped on the bandwagon and got two as soon as I realized I could do that!

When discussion turned to the question of bilateral cochlear implants, many deaf people and parents of deaf children are pondering if they should get two. Myself and 3 other adults who had two implants were called up to the front of the room to share our story and ask questions posed to us by the presenter. There were a lot of people in the room that knew me. They've seen me go through the experience of getting the 2 cochlear implants as well as lose the 222 lbs. (Notice all the repetitions there of 2) I've changed and become tons more energetic due to the weight loss. The presenter knows who I am, but doesn't know how my energy level has changed (he knew I'd lost so much weight since he saw me in 2006 that he didn't recognize me when tonight). When he was asking me "my question" to answer for the audience, he asked me how my energy has changed since I got my cochlear implant.

The funny thing was, there was a lot of laughter in the room at that question! He was confused. What was so funny? What was the inside joke? Diane made a comment about the diet Coke giving me energy (I do drink too much). However, I knew most of the laughter was from people who'd seen me totally transform from a person who barely moved to this new person via the weight loss. So I had to laugh too! I told the presenter there was an inside joke, but we wouldn't talk about it now! I did answer his question to get the intent of it, or so I hope, in relations to my cochlear implants. The intent for those that don't know, is that you don't have to exert so much energy to hearing and understanding, but can just hear. Ergo, more energy!

Afterwards, some of my friends and I were joking around about it. In talking about the 2 cochlear implants, 222 lbs lost, we realized there was a play on numbers! Notice all the straight 2s! Then I added my own made up numbers. Between the cochlear implants and the weight loss, I decided I had 22 times the energy! Just so I can claim 2 as my lucky number! 2 cochlear implants; 222 lbs lost, 22 times the energy! Add it all up, what do you get? Not a mathematical answer, but rather it all equals a life transformed.

Insulation Rumination

2009-02-08T19:51:00.002-07:00

It's interesting to realize how much insulation fat provides. I had an extra 222 lbs of insulation that I carried around me all the time.

It didn't matter what, I was always hot. It took very little for me to sweat. I used to think that I was just one of those people that had very active sweat glands or ducts. When I wore hearing aids, back before my cochlear implants, I would ruin a hearing aid every year through sweat. They'd send it in to be fixed because it was always under warranty, only to find that they had to replace it instead.

When joking with my friends, about the subject of menopause, I would tell them that when I enter menopause, I wouldn't know I was having a "hot flash if it hit me in the face", since I was always so hot! One of my friends (Diane) was always cold. Her joke was, if she enters menopause and gets a hot flash, she'd pull up a chair and get warm! :)

Well, here I am, 222 lbs lighter and I can't remember what it was like to be hot all the time, nor to sweat so easily and constantly due to all the heat. I'd sweat at the least little thing. I didn't have to exercise to sweat. I could just stand for a few minutes and down it would fall. Now, when I work out, I have a hard time getting it to be hard enough to get some sweat going.

I have a part time job on the weekend keying mail for the post office. We key mail in this large building that has one giant open room with rows and rows of computer terminals and people keying. It is probably at least the size of a football field or more. I imagine it's a challenge to heat the thing properly, what with all the people and computers. I never used to notice the temperature though. NEVER. I would just wear a blouse and slacks while I worked.

It's a whole different story now. I can't believe the steps I have to take to stay warm while I'm keying. It started with beginning to layer my clothes, even in the summer. Then I noticed I was still freezing. I started to layer with heavier clothes, turtle necks, sweaters and even added light hooded jackets.

I recently started to wear long johns! Can you believe. I had to do something more! So here I am today, for example, wearing long johns, a turtleneck, sweater, and a winter jacket (outdoor coat) ALL DAY as I sat there keying mail. Another problem I've had is keeping my hands warm. I now key the mail wearing gloves on top of that. Yesterday I dressed similarly. After adding long johns and the winter coat to my attire, this weekend, I felt content that I was finally warm enough! The weirdest thing is to get off work, and find that you already have everything already on to go outdoor and head home!

Despite the difficulties, I wouldn't take the 222 lbs back and revert to just a blouse and slacks attire for anything! The funny thing is to realize I would now pull up my chair and join my friend Diane as we try to get warm, if only we could get a hot flash!

It's An Attitude Thing

2009-01-31T21:37:00.003-07:00

You know the most interesting thing to me, is how many people go on a "diet" (a four letter word to be avoided let me assure you), and then the worst in them comes out. I've never seen anyone beat themselves up more than a "dieter". Their mind is a nasty place to be.

Somehow, in our interest of taking care of our health and weight, we start to judge ourselves and our efforts, truly a way to sabotage those same efforts. Read some of these "thoughts" we have internally and see if any of this doesn't ring a bell.

OK, you just ate a piece or more than one of fudge (substitute any food you had that you think you "shouldn't have had)? Does that mean you "blown it"? NO! Does that mean you might as well eat anything you want since the day was blown? NO! Does that mean you have no will power and are a failure? NO! Does that mean you'll never be able to lose the weight? NO! Doesn't it mean I have no discipline or control over myself? NO!! Does that mean you're weak and can never lose weight? NO!

OK, so Suzy sitting next to you just had some fudge (again substitute whatever food you want), and she's on a diet trying to lose weight. Does that mean that she needs you to make a comment about what she just ate? NO! Does that mean that she needs your help and comments to help her make better choices, as she reaches for another piece? NO! Does that mean that she's a cheater? NO! Does that mean it's any of your business what's going in and out of her mouth, just because she thinks you're someone she can talk to about her weight struggles? NO! --OK, so this little paragraph isn't about us being unkind to ourselves, but rather people being unkind to us by judging us and our efforts and deciding they have to step in and try to keep us from "failing. What they're really doing is judging us, when they are deciding whether what we did was "good" or "bad". Does that help us? NO!

Getting the picture? First of all, don't DIET! I'm always quick to correct people who ask me about my "diet", and tell them I'm not on a diet, I'm following a program. Sometimes I'm off program, and sometimes I'm on program. When there are extenuating circumstances, I sometimes make a choice to go off program; it's ok. Sure, I may not be as successful this week, but I will be in the long term, because I saved myself some internal battles. I didn't go on a guilt trip, I didn't tear myself up my lack of will power, failure or whatever else. I allowed myself to live in the moment and not stress. When I make a choice, I am able to enjoy it, rather than hate myself for it. After that little pleasure, I'm right back on program, if I choose to be. No recriminations necessary. There is no wild seesawing, whether with the emotional ups and downs I could have put myself through, or weight ups and downs; because I'm not deprived, blowing it, building up pressure or any such thing.

Success is an attitude thing. Whatever your program or your plan, be kind to yourself. Me? I gained 4 lbs in the last 4 or 5 weeks, between Christmas and my recent vacation to Washington. Most of it was gained at Christmas time. Am I upset? Actually not! I'm pretty happy that I didn't gain more, and that I went right back on program as soon as Christmas was over. I also know that I can get it off in a month. Not only that, I made a conscious choice at certain times to enjoy Christmas, enjoy my vacation, and not obsess or worry excessively about what the food choices were. Some of the food choices were out of my control, especially when traveling or when eating at other's celebrations. The things I could control and plan for I did. The things I couldn't plan for, I relaxed and didn't stress over. After Christmas, I went right back on program. Same thing with after my vacation.

What matters to me is I had some awesome times! I have some wonderful memories. I had some good food, off and on program. I'm not upset with myself. I didn't fail and quit the program. I still went to get my Jenny Craig food every week and did my best. NEVER did I fail. NEVER was I hard on myself! NEVER would I accept other people's judgments and attempts to help me "control" what I ate (thought it is a pet peeve that some people think they need to do that!). Also, I'm still saying I lost 222 lbs. True, 4 were gained, but I still lost them! :) When I get them back off, I'll still be saying I lost 222 lbs. I'm not going to try to pretend I've lost ground. I've stayed on even keel! Yes! It's all about ATTITUDE!

Anyone out there who's working on improving their health, improving how they eat, don't forget it's not a "diet" thing. It's an ATTITUDE! thing. Make you plan, follow it, but be kind to yourselves when extenuating situations occur. No recriminations are ever needed! You're doing awesome just because you want to continue to improve and work on your health or weight! Pat yourself on the back for being "on program" again and don't give the "off program"behavior another thought! You are succeeding just because you are STILL in the game!

Legacies

2009-01-30T21:37:00.005-07:00

Last weekend I spent some time in Seattle re-connecting with that branch of my family. In past posts, I believe I've written about my brother-in-law and his profound impact on my life. It was because of what I learned from him that I was able to start the journey that I embarked on over 3 years ago to start my life over, find joy and love. His widow, sons, daughter-in-laws and grandchildren were the people who I was most fortunate to be with. I was honored to be able to spend time with the people he loved, and that I loved. Just because I want to, I'm sharing a photo of me with my my 5 young nephews. Every one of them is a honor to their parents and an example in so many way of the legacies that have been left to them. I'm sharing a photo I love, just because I want to!

Unintended Messages

2009-01-29T22:30:00.003-07:00

I've written in previous posts about eliminating negativity, as well as being positive about ourselves, and others. Being positive and grateful in our daily living, helps lead us to finding joy in living and enjoying the moments in life, as there is no tomorrow, only this moment.

These "themes" are recurring themes in my life now, and seem to commingle thoroughly. At a recent event, I attended I found great joy in so many precious moments I experienced. There were sweet moments after sweet moments. I felt like I'd experienced little slices of heaven. It proved quite jarring later when I heard someone recounting the experience to others from her perspective. The same event where I experienced such continuous joyful moments continuously unfolding, she had not only been pretty miserable. She had used every miserable moment to judge others in her circle and find them wanting and inferior to her. As I overheard her sharing her perspective, she went on and on, listing so many negatives for so many people. To add insult to injury, she maligned and judged people in a way that shocked me. As I've thought about this, I've come to realize that she had communicated a whole lot to her audience, that she probably didn't realize.

She had painted herself as someone who can only feel good about herself if she put others down. She had painted herself as someone who glories in gossiping and bad mouthing others behind their backs. She had painted herself as someone that one couldn't trust or enjoy. She also had painted herself as unwilling to to "love thy neighbor as thyself". Actually, I think the truth really is that she doesn't even like herself. She struggles to tell herself how wonderful she truly is, by making others seem like less, and making sure everyone hears those opinions.

I felt sadness and pity for her on one hand, not just anger at her maligning gossip. Would you want to communicate this to others? By our words, people know us. Our lack of charity and kindness behind the backs of others, only paints our own character as wanting. Our enjoyment of gossiping and putting down others, reveals the mentally unhealthy person beneath the words. Would you want to be communicating things kinds of messages? I wouldn't. It behooves me to challenge myself to communicate in a way that leave positive unintended messages about myself and my character.

It's a Beautiful Noise

2009-01-21T22:50:00.004-07:00

On Tuesday, I really was bummed about the fact that we don't have a day off to watch inauguration festivities on TV. I wanted to be able to listen to the speech of the new incoming president, LIVE. I didn't want to have to wait for news recaps, or to wait until later that night, when I could watch what I'd recorded. I guess I'm a little spoiled at times! :)

I decided to see what I can do to give myself a chance to hear it. I drove up the mountain, in my daily commute to the school districts I serve, searching for a radio station that carried the Inauguration. The funny thing I realized, was that I was able to tell within a couple of minutes whether or not they were carrying the inauguration ceremony. When I got my first cochlear implant, back in 1997, it was hard to find one radio station that I could listen to. My brain hadn't learned to understand all the new input coming in. Eventually I did happen onto an NPR (National Public Radio) station that I could understand. Most stations had people speaking too fast, too much background noise, too many people interrupting, and all other sorts of problems to interfere with my "learning to listen". I was happy with the one station.

Eventually over the years, my brain became better at hearing, and I got my 2nd cochlear implant in 2006, which just added to my hearing ability. I had noticed in recent years that I had more than one station I could understand and enjoy. I was branching out. It took some listening work to develop those. I wasn't aware of more than two or three stations I could listen to though.

Even though I had one NPR station I really enjoy, it doesn't broadcast to the areas that I travel. I knew I was going to have to find the Inauguration somewhere else on the radio dial. I hadn't realized my listening progress, until Tuesday, when I flipped from station to station, working to find a station. All of a sudden it clicked what was happening. Wow! I could tell, and I could tell quickly, whether the station was broadcasting the inauguration. After a few minutes, I found a good station, and settled down to listen. It was amazing to me that I was able to do this.

Before time for Obama to be sworn in, I had to park the car and go into the school to work with my first student of the morning. I was begrudging that, as I knew that if I was still a classroom teacher, my class would be watching the inauguration. It was history in the making after all, and important for that reason. This is a day they could tell their children and grandchildren about.

I was delighted however, to find that my student's class was doing just what I would've been doing; watching the inauguration. Immediately, I knew it was important I skip working with the student, so he could watch this. I then asked to joined his class in watching the ceremony. I was so happy when his teacher welcomed me to watch with them. There were some problems though, I'm at the back of the class, the TV isn't very loud, and there's no close captioning. I was happy I could watch it, but figured I'd miss on hearing it as much of it as I wanted to. Still, I was counting my blessings.

It wasn't long before I realized just how much I've progressed in my listening skills. I was able to understand about 95% of the speech. I was really impressed with myself. Life with not just one, but two cochlear implants just continues to get better and better. In high school, I never could have imagined that one day, I would be able to hear. As Neil Diamond's song says, "It's a beautiful noise". My life continues to be a miracle for me to enjoy.

Winter Walk

2009-01-13T22:47:00.003-07:00

There's a walking path I've seen many times, by the side of the road that connects Heber and Midway. I've often thought that one day, I ought to walk that path that starts in Heber Park (where I often eat my lunch), and goes through a covered bridge on the outskirts of Midway. Today turned out to be the day .

I had finished working with my morning students in Heber and Midway. Not only was it lunch time, I had quite a bit of time before my next student in Park City, so I would be eating my lunch, then working in my truck, (or searching for an alternate work location). Despite the cold outside, the sun was beating into the window and I felt like I was overheating. Most of the time when I need to wait in the car between students, I have seats I can recline back a little. This way I can also get comfortable during lunch, or as I work in my little vehicular office. With the truck, no such reclining was possible. I guess the lack of reclining seats and the heat of the sun finally forced me out of the truck after I'd eaten! Why it took misery to get me out to do something I wanted to do anyway, I have no idea!

Despite my brisk pace, I couldn't seemed to get "winded" on my long walk! It's so funny, when I think about it. With this new body I have, I can walk a couple of miles or so a whole lot easier than I could walk 10 feet (with oxygen cranked up high no less) just 3 years ago. In thinking about that, I realize anew something I sometimes forget; I am on an amazing journey! Progress has happened in small steps over the last three years. Adding all those steps together has led me to a life, health and a body I never thought possible, not in my wildest dreams. Invisible to the naked eye has been just as huge a transformation in my mind. I've discovered the truth of the quote, "If you want to change your life, change your thinking". I've learned to relish, enjoy and appreciate all the small little moments in my life.

As I took my walk in the gorgeous sunshine, soaking up all the vitamin D, I thoroughly enjoyed the beauty around me. I had to pull out my little iPhone and take some pictures to share. My first picture is the stream running through the snow covered banks. In all the drives on the nearby road, I had never known this little stream was here. What a precious discovery.

In the distance, I can see the covered bridge getting closer as I walk.

I'd always wondered what I'd see if I ever did truly walk to this covered bridge. Here was the view as I stood on the bridge over the tumbling waters of a river. The designs of the railing in the bridge is seen in the forefront of the picture.

I loved my walk. I'm not used to taking walks this long, that aren't on my treadmill. The interesting thing about the treadmill, is that when you're tired of it, you can just hop off! Not so, when you're ready to be finished with your walk. You've got to keep going until you get to your car! It felt like miles to go before I made it back to the truck, after I felt like it was time for the walk to end! In the picture below, you can see the truck that forced me to take the walk I loved, waiting for me! I had to take a picture!

After my walk I can truly say, I'm grateful for gorgeous days, the beauty of nature, and the health to get out and enjoy it!

Musings While Driving

2009-01-10T22:20:00.004-07:00

On the way to work the other morning, someone cut in front of me with their car, as they didn't want to miss the "Y" turn in the road, that would lead them to another road. At first I started to be aggravated that they cut in front of me so suddenly. No one likes that, especially on potentially bad roads after a storm, when we want more reaction time, and actions like this make it more difficult. However, before I had finished that thought, I knew that I had to find a positive way to look at their cutting in front of me the way they did.

In my head I said, "I guess you have got to do what you have got to do, to go where you want to/need to go." I can't blame a person for that. They are trying to stay the course and get where they need to go. Weirdly enough, as soon as I thought that, I started analyzing that concept. Somehow it seemed so profound to me. Go figure. My musings started from this. How many times in our life, do we not go where we need to go, because we aren't willing to change course when we find ourselves going in the wrong direction? For that person in front of me to get back to where that "Y" road was taking us, had they missed it; they would have had to detour and spend far more time backtracking. Since they were able to do so safely, they did better still to keep themselves on track, despite cutting in front of me. So often, we are so busy trying to find excuses for not taking the road that would have led us to where we want to go, rather, than just going there and letting nothing stop us.

Just a few minutes later, I arrived at work, changed vehicles to get into the state car so I could head up the mountain to begin my day's work with my students in all their different schools. I drove past my parked car, in the state vehicle. All of a sudden, I thought, "Oh No! I forgot my sunglasses". I was immediately knew how much more difficult the day would be without them. I wasn't even out of the parking garage yet, and I figured I was "too late" to go back and get them! What!? Can you believe that? I almost went about my day, struggling without my sunglasses, because I forgot them, even though I remembered very early before I even got out of the parking garage.

So many times I do this. I embark on a course, and when I realize there's something I should "go back" for, or something I should re-do, or that maybe I should consider another course of action, I think, "It's too late". I'm already on this course. I don't "Do what I have got to do to get where I want to/need to go." True, not getting the sunglasses would still get me where I needed to go, but the journey would be a lot more miserable. Isn't that absolutely crazy, when you think about it logically? On this day, I changed courses and immediately backed up my state vehicle until I was in front of my car, fished out my car keys and unlocked the car, ran over, got my sun glasses, got back in, returned my keys to their proper place, put the seat belt on and took off for my day. How much time did I lose to go back and do this? Not more than a moment, if that. It really blows my mind that so often, I would never double back, never stop early and change courses of actions. All day long, so many different times, I found myself really being grateful I had my sunglasses with me. It really did make my day easier.

As a teacher, sometimes I prepare a lesson that just "doesn't work". I never stop mid-lesson and admit, "Hmmmm, this isn't working". Maybe we need to try to do this differently. I had a teacher tell me I should never be afraid to do this, but I've always been afraid to do that. Was I afraid of looking like I don't know what I'm doing, or looking like a fool to someone else? I wonder? What ever my reasons, it became clear that I'm so guilty of NOT, "Doing what I have got to do to get where I want to/need to go". No wonder my life went so badly off course so many times. The worst thing about it, I'd "end up in the ditch" so many times and wonder how I even got there?

My challenge, amidst all my positive thinking, gratitude efforts and all the other steps I take to change my life, is to make sure I'm being clear-headed enough to see "what I have got to do to get where I want to go", then heading there. No excuses! I need to recognize what I'm doing and get in there and take action Pronto! Another way to put this, know my destination, head there and be prepared to alter course anytime I become aware I'm not making it to my goal.

I hope my post made some sense. P.S. Anyone that is re-reading my post after reading the "first edition" from a couple of days ago, I went back and re-edited. I kept all the thoughts, but stuck to the better grammar I know as a teacher, than the slang and gotta/wanna/shouldas that I thought was so appropriate at the time! :)

Hairdo

2009-01-04T21:06:00.003-07:00

I realized, since I asked people's opinion of my "hypothetical" hair makeover a week or two ago, I ought to show the results. I ended up getting something like neither picture. I attempted to get my hair styled like the short blondish "do", but it didn't lay right on my head. So I told her to go shorter, trying to get it to lay right. Oops! It's only hair! It will grow back!

I also colored it myself. I decided to use the "golden brown" that looks blondish on the internet, and auburn on my head it turns out! :)

Oh, and I was waiting for awhile to post, as I was going to get good pictures to post, but that never happened! :) It turns out that all I have it my "not so good" efforts at self portrait!

I go through stages, tolerating it to really liking it. I won't allow myself to hate it on the days I'm not so sure about it. I don't accept negativity! :) A couple of comments from friends tell me I look 10 years younger! I hold onto that one on the days I'm not so sure! :) Love it or not, it's only hair! It will grow if I want it to, and can be colored "ad nauseum" if I want to! For now, I'll just enjoy my new "do"!

The Past

2009-01-01T17:12:00.005-07:00

I was watching a very interesting Oprah re-run this afternoon. Her guest was Dr. Robert Holden and the subject was happiness. There were so many quotes I told myself I would save the episode, go back and re-watch it, then write down some of the quotes I wanted to keep! Well true to a person of my age with a memory not as good as it used to, I promptly deleted the episode after watching it!

There are so many quotes that I appreciated. However, here is one that is resonating with me today. He said, "We have to learn to let go of our past, we have to give up all hopes for a perfect past. Let the past go, it's gone." After that, he says, "Take a vow of kindness. Be kinder to yourself and to others."It's never too late to be happy."

I've had some recent experiences and seen first hand how the past can somehow grip a hold of people and stop them from the joy that is possible in life. My hope for all of you is that you are able to live a truly happy day, and from that a truly happy week, month and year. We can't fix the past, so we need to make sure we don't live in it. Only NOW matters. Live with kindness to yourself above all. It is only through treating ourself with kindness, that we learn how to treat others so. If we would never think or so a mean thing to ourselves in our thoughts, then we wouldn't do it to others either. Happy New Year. One of my goals this year is to never hurt myself or others through the thoughts in my mind as well as the ones I give voice to.

Faster than a Speeding Bullet!

2008-12-27T00:09:00.003-07:00

I had a funny incident today, when I was out to lunch with some of my good friends. They had their little baby along. She's a cutie, even if she was probably teething and cranky as a result. Anyhow, as she was being held, her by her daddy, her arm reached out and knocked his soda over in my direction.

It was so funny! I could almost see the glass of soda in ice being spilled in slow motion! In my mind as soon as I could tell the pop was going to go over, and it would spill all over me, I said to myself, "I wonder if I can move this body fast enough now to get out of the way?"

Lickety split, faster than a speeding bullet I slid out of the booth and jumped into the aisle! The result? I was 98% successful! I got just a tad on the side of my pants that was closest to the spill. That's it! All over my seat, that I was sitting was a huge puddle of ice and soda. It was also all over the table and leaking down continually after the initial spill. On me, hardly any! Three years ago, I would've been soaked with a lapful of soda and ice!

I am amazed! I can move fast now! Woo Hoo! Now that I'm faster than a speeding bullet, do you think I can leap tall buildings?

(By the way, thanks Staci for the idea to blog about this!) :-)

Strength through Gratitude?

2008-12-24T14:26:00.004-07:00

For probably the last six months or so, I've been on a journey, following Oprah's recommendation (which she got from a book), where each day I write 5 things that I am grateful for that day. I've noticed that over time, slowly little changes are happening in my thought processes.

When I look at my day, to evaluate what I'm grateful for, I find I have to push away the thoughts of any bad or negatives of the day, in order to find what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's really hard to do that. Sometimes writing my gratitude blog at night is almost a chore. At other times, it's really insightful and fulfilling. Despite the differences in how I feel day to day, I find some days I spend my days looking for things to be grateful for. When I do that, I experience more joy in the day. On other days, I don't think about it until doing the blogging gratitude log. Having to in essence "wash out the bad" as I look for the good, helps me to define my day more positively. Doing so every day is teaching me to change my outlook on life, as well as to truly live and appreciate so many little small things each and every day.

I have learned that we only have now. Tomorrow never comes, yesterday is but a memory. The memories are pleasant and joyful, when I was truly able to appreciate my experiences when they are happening, "in the now". The worries about tomorrow are less, when I realize I have no control over it, and the worries have the power to ruin my now. The truth is though, life has it's challenges, and sometimes it even has it's tragedies.

Recently, I found out a friend of mine lost the small baby she was pregnant with. I read the blog she kept during the weeks long ordeal that led to the loss of her precious son. What really clicked with me, was an entry she wrote in the midst of her ordeal. She was in the hospital, and suffering. Her post read like the most precious gratitude log. She thanked so many people, stating in profound terms all that she was grateful for. It was clear that even in the midst of tragedy, she found a way to be grateful, to appreciate all that she DID have, and all the help and love coming her way. While reading her blog, it is clear she is dealing with this tragedy in her life with such strength and such love. She is also relying on her faith as well as her family through this.

The particular entry that she wrote, which seemed to me in essence to be similar to a gratitude post has struck a chord in me. How much of her strength has come from really appreciating her life and all that she has, rather than railing at the fates and God for what she is having to endure? Maybe gratitude helps to replenish one's very core and soul. Regular readers of this blog, and/or family members, know that my brother-in-law Dick, taught me great lessons as he fought and and lost his great battle to live. One of the things that he taught me was to treasure life. He found a way to be happy and be grateful for all that he had in his life. He truly treasured every moment. While he didn't write gratitude logs, I know he lived a life feeling gratitude and joy, as well as giving service to others. I wonder how much of strength he had in tragedy and through trials came through his ability to be grateful.

I'll actually share publicly (vs. privately in my gratitude blog) the things I'm grateful for today, since it fits the theme of today's entry. I'm so grateful that I have a wonderful home and family to share a life with. The moments with the children, as we smile, laugh, play are moments of their life that I'm honored to shared. I'm grateful to wake up in a household and see people I love every morning. I'm grateful to my siblings who share their children and grandchildren with me. I'm grateful for the awesome friends that I have. Most of my friends are long time friends. They've stuck with me through the good and through the bad. Through the bad, I had to have been a terrible friend, as I wasn't happy, and wasn't able to truly appreciate them. I'm grateful for having some of the best friends in the world, as they're still my friends despite it all. I'm grateful for the technology we have today that allows me to connect with, and to share in a small way, parts of life with family members far away. My blog has made me closer to a couple of very special nieces. My recent joining of the Face book community is starting to connect me with nephews who live further away, and with whom I ached to connect. I'm thrilled at the connections coming through this awesome technology. I'm grateful for the gift of hearing. My cochlear implants allow me the joy of sound, the ability to not only hear, but to over hear. I'm grateful for former students of mine who have grown up and still manage to be in my life. Some of managed to stay in my life for years, honoring me with their friendship, others lost touch, but are re-connecting with me on Face book. How grateful I am to realize the lives that I've been fortunate to share some small part of. I'm grateful that despite all my shortcomings and challenges in the past, I was able to touch some lives. One young man who I just reconnected with on Face book, told me I was his best teacher ever. How awesome to be remembered by someone that way. I'm honored. I'm grateful for my parents, who are long gone. I miss them greatly, but their strength, integrity and love have allowed me to have so much strength in my own life. I have parents who I always knew supported me in any way they could. They "had my back". I'm grateful for the many giants in my life, the people who teach me just by how they live their lives. I'm grateful for life itself. I'm grateful for every day having the opportunity to "start over". If I make a mistake, make a bad decision, or need to learn and grow, each fresh morning provides me the opportunity to do so. I'm grateful for holidays, as an opportunity to just spend time with those you love and appreciate them. Happy Holidays everyone.

Opinions Wanted

2008-12-21T22:11:00.003-07:00

Okay! So I was deciding I couldn't afford to go get a makeover. I played online and found some virtual makeover tools. With much creativity (meaning I didn't sign up and pay money for any of these virtual makeovers, so I had to be crafty with how I got a photo), I was able to print (not save) one of my sessions, then scan it. Below is the idea that I'm kind of playing with. I like the color, and may even consider going a little darker brown. The color is a golden brown, but some ash browns seemed to look good. I kind of thought the style was flattering. Who thinks I ought to toy with this style? For current hair style, go down look at my entry around Thanksgiving time with photo. Does anyone like it as much as I do, or do you have better ideas. Keep in mind my hair is thin and fine. So nothing curly or full of body works.

One Day Later:

I just decided to add this part of the post a day later. I receive some comments to the photo above on facebook, and one comment was about having the hair darker. I also wondered about whether the hair should be longer. So I went back and redid the picture with darker hair and longer. I think I like the shorter hair the best, but if I get this hair do, if I go to long between hair cuts (which I'm apt to do), the one below may happen. Should I have darker or lighter hair? Still wondering why no one comments here!!???

I've Fallen and Can't Get Up!

2008-12-18T21:58:00.002-07:00

Sorry for the absence, for those who missed me! :) I've been saving up some "post titles" in draft form, so I could remember some of the things that I wanted to write about, when I was up for writing again! For some reason, I needed a "posting holiday", from both this blog, and my private "gratitude blog" that I keep.

Now I'm back! Anyhow, wondering what's behind my title? One of the things that was so awful about the size that I once was, was that when I fell, I couldn't really get up with the large unmaneuverable nearly 400 lb body I was living in. I have one bad knee that is "bone on bone". I'm convinced there's a familial tendency towards knee problems, due to the prevalence of problems in my family and all the artificial knees. However, in truth, the weight surely didn't help.

Because of the problem with my knees, it would hurt so much, that I couldn't even tolerate the short few seconds I would have to be on them, on the way to getting up, at any time that I fell. I'd have to come up with creative ways to get up off the floor, the very few times I fell. I don't know why I fell, as it doesn't seem to be something I have done for a loooooooooong time! Maybe I had worse balanced with that body, or maybe I'd trip and not be agile enough to catch myself. Anyhow, I'd have to do things like scoot to a couch, use my arms and try to pull up to the couch, and go from there.

I remember one incident where I tripped and fell in front of the classroom in the junior high I was teaching in. I had my oxygen tank connect to me as well. I sprawled in front, I can't get up, the kids are watching, necks craning, watching the "spectacle". There were two other teacher's in the room, thankfully one a man, who probably had some muscles. Anyhow, they had to come help pull me up to a standing position, bypassing my knees. That had to take some muscles to do. It's a pretty embarrassing situation if you think about it.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally allowed myself to get on the floor. I figured I should be at a point where I was agile enough to take advantage of some possible ways to get up from the floor without having to go onto my knees. I was surprised at all the different ways I could get up, without going on my knees, now that I have a much smaller, more agile body. One thing I avoided still was the knees. My hands had to take the weight and I was able to get up from there, push up style or any other number of ways I could think of! I no longer have the "falling, and can't get up problem. I'm no longer afraid of getting on the floor.

A few days ago, little Mackie wanted me to read to him (2 1/2 years old). I don't know why, but he likes me to sit on the floor in my living room in a certain spot. I was holding his little 2 month old baby brother. Mackie was pretty upset and having a hard day. He was crying a lot and wanting attention. He let me know he wanted me on the floor, reading to him. So I went downstairs, sat in our spot as I held Finnley. Mission accomplished. However, when we were done, I realized I had a dilemma. Full arms! I couldn't use my hands to help me maneuver my body up. There was no ands or buts about it, I needed to use my knees. Bracing myself for the coming pain, I went onto my knees and then up. Shocker of all shockers, NO PAIN! Nothing! What just happened? Despite my bad knee, still bone on bone, it turns out maybe a lot of my knee pain was just supporting those 222 extra pounds. Wow! Great dividends! What joy to see the things I can now do, that I thought I'd never do again, including being "on my knees"! :)

Successful week!

2008-12-05T22:35:00.002-07:00

Yep, it's Friday, my Jenny Craig appointment day. I wasn't sure how I had done last week, as I went off program a little. I was afraid to look at the scale and see what the numbers were. To my great excitement, I lost over 3 lbs last week! My new total, 222.3. Now I'm 7.7 from goal! I'm thrilled with the progress! I'm so close I can feel it, and wearing my high school coat to my appointment and subsequent weigh in was GREAT! :)

High School Coat

2008-12-04T23:49:00.001-07:00

Yep, here's a picture of my high school coat! (I apologize for the poorly lit picture. I may take a better picture tomorrow with a better camera and replace it if I get a chance.) I bought this in my junior year of high school, with my hard earned money. I don't know why I kept it all these years. I guess it reminded me of when I used to be able to fit it. I do remember that I bought it my junior year of high school. I had lost 40 lbs to become "thin" over the summer before my junior year began. I was working in my home town hospital lab part time, which allowed me to buy all of my own clothes.

Why did I keep it all these years? Did I really believe that I would someday fit it again? Was it a memento from my high school thin year? It was only one thin year. I put the weight on and more in time for my senior year, and never wore it again. In the 35 years since I bought this, I've moved at least 15 times that I can remember. I really am not a pack rat and have hardly any memorabilia of any kind. The things I've kept from the past are scarcely few in number. It's beyond me, but somehow, I chose, move after move to keep this coat.

I'm sure glad I did! It took me 35 years to do it, but I'm able to wear my high school coat! I bought a good quality coat as I found it very warm. Yesterday I attended The Nutcracker Ballet, wearing the outfit from my picture in the blog entry below, and this high school coat! I saw my friend's adult daughter, who loved the feel of the coat and kept running her hands up and down it, enjoying the texture of the faux fur type of material.

I can't believe at 51, an age many would call middle age, I'm enjoying the wonderful, warm winter coat I bought as a 16 year old teenager! What FUN! :)

Giants Among Us

2008-11-29T22:44:00.002-07:00

Have you even had the experience of going to a funeral, and after it's over you think to yourself, I didn't know all these wonderful things about the person I cared about who just passed. I had no idea they had so many of theseparticular strengths. Why didn't I learn from them while they were here? Why didn't I notice who they were inside? Why didn't I appreciate them and learn from them?

I think so many times in our lives, we are so short-sighted and focused on our lives, we don't open our eyes and see, nor value what is around us. Sometimes we are so used to looking at the negatives about people, looking at what irritates us, their faults, their appearances and various other criteria we use to judge others that we never realize we might be living with someone who is truly a giant, in some way.

I drove to visit family members in Idaho this weekend. As I drove, I thought about my brother. Nine years ago he suffered a heart attack. He sustained permanent brain damage as a result. During the first few weeks after the heart attack, I remember hearing so many wonderful things about him from so many of the people that reached out to all of us at that time. Here I had grown up with him, loved him dearly, but truly didn't know some of wonderful strengths he possessed as a husband, father, colleague, neighbor and etc. nor did I know how many lives he had touched. I could clearly remember his faults, as only a sibling could. I knew many of his strengths, as I could tell stories of some awesome things he did. However, I fully failed to value all that he was and all that he contributed to life.

For those of you that have been following my blog since I started, you may remember me talking about my brother-in-law who died of Lou Gehrig's disease. His influence is the one that sent me on the "self-renovation" journey these last three years. He was a member of my family for over 30 years. True, he lived far away, so it was hard to get to really know him well. However, for many of the 30 years, I focused sometimes on things I "blindly perceived as faults". The fault turns out to have been in me. I never knew anything about the true giant in my own family. I began to get to know him better, during some visits to Utah to help take care of my mother, before she passed. Not too long after that, he received the diagnosis of the disease that took his life. As I watched him fully live his live with such courage, strength and joy, in the face of death no less, I learned a little tiny bit about who he really was. As my eyes began to open, I began to look at other things I should have seen, that could have alerted me to who he was.

He was raising 5 sons to be the most honorable young men. As many of them married and began having families, I saw the dedicated, patient and loving fathers and husbands they were. Through looking at his legacy, I began to see the giant soul who had a hand in shaping their futures. Why did it take me so many years and tragedies to see?

Why do we so often wait for tragedies to really appreciate what we have in life? I'm making a vow to look closely at the lives of those who cross my path for the good in them. I plan to conscientiously focus on the positives and the good of those people. I also want to let them know how much I see their strengths and value their contributions, whether to me, to their families, to their neighbors, colleagues and etc. I hope that by opening my eyes to the giants among us, I can learn from their examples, grow as a person and maybe, just maybe make a positive contribution to the lives of others.

Pictures

2008-11-26T19:48:00.004-07:00

Today was the day I had planned to get a little dolled up and get a picture taken to send to Jenny Craig, for use in submitting to People. As we know, that won't happen, but I went ahead and took the pictures. What do you guys think?

If You Want to Change Your Life, Change Your Thinking

2008-11-24T22:16:00.003-07:00

Several months ago, I came across the thought, "If you want to change your life, change your thinking." I've worked consistently to do just that. In the beginning, the effort was just to change the negative thoughts to positive thoughts. However, as I've read/listened to Eckhart Tolle's books "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now", I've begun to have a whole new perspective on things. I can't even explain a lot of what I've learned, as it is not only deep, but it seems like a whole new terminology has been created, that can't be easily explained.

Today several things went wrong, and there were several setbacks as well. On top of that, there was an interaction with a "friend" that pushed some old buttons and just for a brief moment in time, sent me jumping off a cliff and spiraling off into negativity in my mind. It's almost breath taking the way I was spiraling downward and the thoughts, old tapes of negativity that rushed out at me. However, you know what was even more breath taking? Within the minute, I recognized what was happening in my mind! I immediately put the brakes on, and then I asked myself how to reverse that and toss out all the negative garbage that had just come flying out. I ended up using some of what I learned from recently, and within minutes, I was feeling peace. Within a few more moments, I was feeling joy again. Amazing!

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks! My thinking is indeed changing, and my life changes with it. Three years ago, I couldn't have foreseen the miracle that is my life today. Three years from today, I expect to see more miracles that maybe I haven't dreamed of yet. My life is changing, and it's a joyous process. Dare to dream, dare to change!

Magazine Update

2008-11-24T22:08:00.003-07:00

I thought that I'd better drop a quick line in my blog and let you know that the People magazine article isn't going to happen after all. It appears that we are too late to get anything submitted in the annual "Half their Size" issue.

While I'm a little disappointed to miss this opportunity, I'm ok with it not happening. At least PR at Jenny Craig knows about me. Who knows what opportunities might show up in the future. I still have a dream to inspire and share my journey. I have faith that whatever needs to happen to live my dream, will happen!

Possibilities

2008-11-19T23:49:00.002-07:00

Just a brief note to tell you all, something great just MAY be happening, as the result of my keeping this blog.

I got an email today from a PR person at Jenny Craig who found my blog through some "daily googling". She's talking about some possibilities of things in the future with Jenny Craig. Maybe even something in PEOPLE (the magazine)! I don't want to say more, because I don't want to jinx anything! I need to be patient and see this through and what develops! Meanwhile, I'm so excited at the possibilities that may around the next corner! Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

Weight Loss Update

2008-11-15T20:46:00.003-07:00

It's been such a long time since I've talked about my weight loss process. I've learned that when you are smaller, it is harder to lose weight! Sometimes I feel like I yo-yo a little going up and down the scales within a small few pounds. I've tried hard to stick to the program. My strategy the last three years of tasting and sampling things, so the desire to eat the whole thing or binge would go away has been a great one for me and kept me going and sticking with the program.

However, as I get smaller, my body doesn't need as many calories, and those little samples and tastes, as well as some of the meals out (as long as they're not more than once or twice a week at most), also will work well as strategies for for maintenance of the weight loss, but not for weight loss itself at this size. What I've been doing the last few months, going up and down within a small few pounds is what I've learned a typical "thin" person does. The frustration has been that I wanted to reach goal weight by the middle of December, which was my 3 year anniversary with Jenny Craig.

However, I've learned that I can't put myself through that kind of frustration right now. I want to enjoy my social life, which includes meals out with my friends. I want to sample, taste, and share the goodies that are at home, at birthday celebrations and yes, even the holidays coming up I'm sure. After three years of dogged effort, I'm ready to live life just a little more. Life is a marathon, and I'm in for the long haul. If it takes me another 6 months or longer to get to goal weight, I've decided I'm perfectly OK with that!

However, having said all that, I have to update you all and tell you, I am "officially" 11 lbs from goal! :) I was almost there before my birthday (11.5 lbs from goal the week before my birthday), then had a birthday, back to back conferences last 3 full days, staying out of town, followed with more celabratory dinners and wonderful pizza with friends, family and former students and etc. to where I ate out something like 9 times in a week. I realized early in that week that trying to be so strict so I wouldn't gain was causing me to be miserable, at a time that I wanted to celebrate, enjoy being alive, enjoy my friends and etc. I wanted to acknowledge the joy I have in being alive at 51, and excited for the next year. For so many years, I wanted to be dead by 50, so I feel like reveling in the joy of a new year and the possibilities of more joyous days and years to come. Living with stress and worry about all those meals out was taking away the joy. So I "gave up" for the rest of the week and just enjoyed the week, the people, the food, and the celebrations! When I went in to weigh in after that week, I kept my back to the scale and instructed the woman to not say a word about how I'd done. I didn't want to know if I gained. In the week or two that followed, I still didn't want to know if I still hadn't lost everything. I just wanted to focus on getting my mind set back to where I was willing to be back on program.

After three years, my Jenny Craig counselor knows me enough that yesterday she told me, you want to turn around and see this weight. So with trepidation I turned around and looked. Whatever weight I gained, I lost, and I lost new weight; an extra half a pound! Eleven pounds from goal is awesome. I've now lost a total of 219 lbs everyone. It may be slow, it may take me as long to lose the last 10 pounds as it took me to lose the first 60, but it's all ok. The journey is the important thing, living life, making progress and being happy! And I am!!!! ;) I'm living in joy.

Latest Label :)

2008-11-08T22:07:00.003-07:00

I attended an all day conference in Orem today that AG Bell, Utah chapter (I'm on the board of this group), put on. It was a good day, but nothing really exciting, as conferences generally are. However, I just had to share the something that was so funny to me! I loved it!

In our conference, we have something called CART. I can't remember what all the acronyms mean, but essentially, it's a way to caption in real time, what is being said. It's similar to the captioning done on the TV during the news. In fact the same people that provide my CART services in the conferences I attend, do the captioning for the locals news station, the Jazz games and other local events on TV. The captioning is done using the same equipment that court reporters use. My understanding is that they type "phonetically", which allows them to go faster, that our standard typing.

During one session today, the CART transcriptionist made a typo. She ended up going back and correct it, but myself and my hard of hearing and deaf friends got the biggest laugh out of the typo, so I had to share. The speaker was saying "hearing impaired". She typed out "marrying impaired". We laughed and laughed and joked amongst ourselves about who was marrying impaired. I told them I finally had a new title/label for what I am that I can fit!!! I'm marrying impaired! Of course the hearing audience had no idea why all the hearing impaired people started giggling and laughing hilariously amongst ourselves!

Anyone that wants to help me out with my marrying impaired status is welcome to try! Got an eligible awesome man out there for me? :) Hahaha! I wonder what kind of accommodations the "marrying impaired" get. Hearing impaired get interpreters, CART and front row seats. What do marrying impaired get! I figure the accommodations ought to be good! ;) I would just love to put that down on some form somewhere, that I'm marrying impaired and need accommodations. Maybe they'll provide me with dates with the town's most eligible bachelors? :) Anyone want to help me fix this latest disability?

Halloween Pictures

2008-11-02T21:18:00.004-07:00

Thought I'd share some adorable pictures of the little ones. I thought they looked adorable. Dalia was a princess and Mackie a fireman. Their cousin Tommy joined them in one picture.

I loved the poses I got with Mackie who never holds still. The first picture is adorable, the 2nd one shows how much he wanted to try out parts of his sister's costume. I loved this one two.

I like these pictures of Dalia, as she was so excited, she was flapping her hands! Then the 2nd picture that was a close-up shows how beautiful she is.

I wish I had better pictures of Tommy. This was the best of the ones I got, and it was all three of them.

I AM

2008-10-30T22:33:00.002-06:00

Did you realize that we are awesome, not because of what we do, but just because we exist. Think about it. What does a new baby do to make us love him/her? They sleep, they cry, they eat and fill diapers. They do nothing else during the first few weeks of life. They are not loved because of what they do, or because of their personality. They are not loved because they're witty, smart, adventuresome or anything. They are loved, just because they exist. We too are that valuable. I AM, and by virtue of that, I am incredible. YOU ARE, and by virtue of that, you are incredible. We don't need to judge others, compare ourselves to others, or try to fit a mold or ideal created by society. We are enough, just because we exist. We don't have to earn love, earn approval or anything else. We just ARE precious because we exist. What an awesome concept

Laughter

2008-10-24T23:18:00.003-06:00

I've been attending conferences the last couple of days. At the end of one conference (for preschool educators) was a session where the presenter was so funny, we laughed and laughed! Her topic was about Relieving Stress. Did you know that the average child laughs 200 to 400 times a day and the average adult laughs 12 to 14 times per day? The second conference tonight for deaf educators, the keynote speaker was talking about humor and it's importance.

Here are some positive effects of laughter.

reduce stress
boost immune system
elevate mood
connect you to others
protect the heart
foster instant relaxation

Between both speakers today, I feel like I upped my quotient of laughter! Since I'm fighting off a cold, I surely appreciate the fact it will help boost my immune system! :)

Here some of the funny anecdotes I heard today:

A single teacher of a 6th grade class had students who were very curious about her. They wanted to know her first name, how old she was and on and on. She would never tell them. One day while she was in the faculty room, they got into her purse in her drawer and found her driver's license. When she came back to the room, they were laughing and laughing. "We know your first name!" then told her what it was. "We know how old you are!", chimed another. Then yet another said, and we know that you got an "F" and flunked sex!"
Our presenter this afternoon was stopped for speeding, through a construction zone. She was let off with a very stern warning. The policeman told her, I don't ever want to see you speeding through this construction zone again. If you do it again, I will give you a ticket then. It was all she could do to stop herself from say, "When's your shift?"
Then there was a student of our keynote speaker tonight who was listening to a oral report from one of his students about "Abraham Lincoln". He said, "He was born in a log cabin he built with his own hands!". He was just laughing so hard, and none of his students could get why that was so funny.
Two missionaries knocked on a door here in Utah, in fact I think it might have been in the Provo area. The lady was so rude and told them to get out of her yard and off her property. As they were leaving, one missionary said, "There's another door behind the house". His companion explained it was the back door, and that they needed to get off the property. His companion said, 'It could be another apartment, as sometimes there is a separate entry for other apartments in a house". So they went around back and knocked. The door was opened by the same woman, who stared at them just dumbstruck that they were there. Before she could say anything, one missionary was quick enough to come out with this quip, "We're so glad we got you, you should have met the lady at the last door we knocked on!" The woman actually started to laugh and laugh after that remark!
I thought I'd add another anecdote of something that really happened to me. I don't know if I've written this down in my blog before, I might have. So apologies if I've written it down before. A colleague of mine, back when I was in business (and before my implants), young family came to visit him at work. When introducing me to his little boy, he told him that he had to look at me all the time, since I couldn't hear and had to read his lips. With a puzzled expression his little boy said, "But Daddy, there are no words on my lips."

There were a ton more, but I'm finding it harder to write them down! Find the joy, find the laughter, find the humor, and have a joyful day!

Latest Challenge and Upcoming Fun

2008-10-19T21:23:00.003-06:00

It's always tough to see someone you love go through hard time, challenges or pain. You want so much to help and to fix things, but you can't. You can try to be a good friend, listen to them, and hope when wanted, you can offer insight and in general, give support.

We all know that we have to go through some rough times in life. There's no avoiding it. I've gotten pretty good at learning how to get through any of the tough stuff in mine, and turn it around and keep a positive attitude and attempt to grow.

However, I find that while I'm getting good at dealing with my tough stuff, I'm not good at learning how to not let other people's stuff get me down. With my life, I can control it, I can have positive thoughts and know I'll find my way through. With other's lives, I not only have no control, but I have found myself getting upset about what others are going through, especially if I view something happening to them as wrong or unfair. I hurt when they hurt and I feel sadness. My challenge is learning to not let other's burdens, become mine. I realize that I have to show my support and love in any ways I can see to do so, then I have to return to my peace and positivity that keeps my life progressing. I have to work to make sure I learn how to not let my peace and progress be stopped due to devastation I feel on the behalf of others.

I've not got the answers, but I do feel it's progress just to realize and that I need to do this, and then to work on it consciously.

On another front, I'm going to have a birthday this week, and while it won't be the big blowout I had for myself on my 50th, I know that I will look for what is meaningful for me this birthday, and do it! I used to be depressed a lot over the things that never happened on my birthday, often feeling isolated and alone, and wishing people would do sweet things for me. Last year, I learned that "a great birthday" is in my control. I will have no expectations (that can often be followed with disappointment), of what I want others to do and just do for myself what I want. What I want this year, it's simple; a dinner with my loved ones! I can't think of anything sweeter than just time over a meal to enjoy the people I love! Maybe sweet little Dalia and/or Mackie will want to sit on my lap and help me blow out the candles?! You think? That would be bliss!

Tagged yet again!

2008-10-11T21:22:00.004-06:00

I got tagged, by name in another blog. I don't know why, but my sense of etiquette tells me I need to reply! I'll play on this one, just because I like the person who tagged me! :) However, fair warning to all family and friends, please don't tag (read:guilt) me anymore!!

Here are the rules:
Link to the person who tagged you. Umm, not sure how to do this, so I'll break this rule!

Post the rules on your blog. Done

Write six random things about yourself.

I love musicals! I've been known to start singing, "Food, glorious, food, and on and on (from Oliver), when about to enjoy something delicious! Obviously, I expect everyone to forgive me if I'm terribly off-tune. Gotta use the "deaf" excuse whenever I can! :)
I've turned into a Diet Coke addict. I always figured that wasn't a problem because it was better to be into Diet Coke than all the doughnuts, ice cream, potato chips and other junk I would love to consume! I don't know when, but one day I'll wake up and decide it's time to break this addiction. For now, "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony". Now if that doesn't come from a Diet Coke commercial, blame the deafness again, I didn't know it didn't! For now, I persist in thinking they did a commercial with this song. :)
When I was a young girl, I got impatient with how long all the girls in the family took to get ready for church. I started walking. I was picked up walking down the highway on the dotted white lines in the middle of the road. I remember thinking the white lines were for people to walk on! Einstein? I think not!
The guy who picked me up from the highway and found my home, (sorta like a stray puppy here), turned out to be a VIP in my life and the very first deaf person I ever met. You know, I wonder if I was deaf yet when that happened (I was found to be deaf at 4 1/2 and I don't know how old I was when this occurred). His name was Swede Ostergar and he was the most congenial person. All the kids loved him, and knew he would hand us candy from his pocket when we came flocking around him.
"Necessary" has become a somewhat special word to me. I won the spelling bee in 4th grade, a feat I'll never forget. They kept me going and going until they found a word to bring me down. Necessary was the word. I couldn't remember if it had two c's, or two s's in it. For years I got confused over that very thing still. Then when I got my cochlear implant, I was working on my auditory skills with a colleague who was doing auditory habitation, necessary was the first word that she read from her list that I understood without looking or lipreading!
My favorite time of the year as a young girl growing up was lambing season. This was right in the middle of the dead of winter (starting around January and lasting a month). We'd (ok, my brother and dad were the ones who did this) had to go out every few hours and check the corrals for new baby lambs. Then they'd take them and their moms to the lambing shed, indoors and thus warmer I suppose. The reason I loved this season, is that every so often a lamb was nearly freezing to death, or had lost it's mother and needed to be brought inside the house to be warmed up or to be fed by hand. There's was nothing funner than having a little lamb in a box near the heating vent while I got to play with it, then feed it using those old glass pop bottles and with a nipple attached to it. When I was in middle school, a set of twins were orphaned and we kept them all the way until their adulthood. I got the fun responsibility of going out and giving them their bottle for many months. I loved it! They would play with me, butting me around with their noses in my calves, and then drink some more. I loved it!

Tag six people and let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. You know what, I'm usually pretty polite, and I was going to break the this rule here. However, I decided that it was funner than I thought coming up with six random things about me. I thought I'd love to read this on some other blogs. I'm going to name two people instead of six and egg on one more person that was already named in the same tag I was named in. So, guess who? Yes, Cami! You tagged me, so you're it! Ang, you never did me anything to deserve this, but you're tagged, just because I would love to read what you could come up with. So I'm tagging you. Kasey, you did good to start your blog, you need to add it. Staci tagged you, I'm double teaming you. Get a move on and add another entry! :) Ok, I did half the rule!

Let your tagger know when your entry is up. (Don't forget to come back and tell me you completed this tag!) Eh, my tagger is reading this now! So she knows!! :) Right Staci?

Comparison of Photos

2008-10-11T20:41:00.004-06:00

I thought it would be fun to compare the photo taken of me when 3 year old Dalia was a newborn in June 2005. Then compare it to the one of me and her youngest brother, who was born Friday. First let me apologize for the quality of the photo from 2005. It was taken with an old PDA, that no longer has service, so I can't send the photo anywhere. I had to resort to taking a picture of of the picture, glassy display screen and all!

Cutest Little Roommate!

2008-10-10T20:11:00.002-06:00

Here's little Finley. Born at 12:40 a.m. on October 10, 2008 weighing in at 7 lbs 14 oz. We are all thrilled he's finally here!

Here's me holding my little roommate for the first time. I couldn't be more thrilled!

Quiet Heroes

2008-10-09T22:07:00.002-06:00

Do you ever look around at the people in your life, and notice some of the quiet heroism that goes on? As I was driving today, I thought about the daily example that I am seeing in my own home.

As most people know, I live with my niece, who is pregnant. She has the kind of condition, where she struggles with frequent, increasing over the months to constant pain and contractions from 22 weeks along all the way to delivery. Her body has pretty much been in labor day and night for the last 3 or 4 weeks. She's rarely gets sleep, and constantly is in so much pain. It seems to keep getting worse. The heroism? She's a mother. I watch her manage to be so patient and kind with her little 2 and 3 year old, trying her hardest not to take make them struggle as she goes through this. No matter how hard this is for her, and it is HARD, uppermost in her mind at all times is her kids, taking care of them and protecting them. She's not first, they are.

As the pain draws out, wears her out, makes her nights eternal and her days even more so, she finds a reserve somewhere deep inside to show love, patience and forbearance to the little ones. While she's the example I'm seeing in my life, I know that around us everyday, there are people living quiet heroism in a multitude of different ways. I hope to keep my eyes open, notice the heroes, appreciate them, be thankful for them, as well as to learn and grow from them.

Oh, and as a p.s. she's finally at long last at the hospital in labor as I write this. I am so relieved her pain will soon be over, as well as excited for the new bundle of joy that will soon be part of my everyday life!

Memories II

2008-10-02T22:04:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine had this entry in her blog today. It was fun for me to jog my memory, and write something about a memory of her. I even decided to follow her instructions and copy, paste (and edited to fit me) the below items from her blog into mine.

As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses.If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

I'm hoping to hear from as many of you in my life as possible! :)

Reaping what we sow

2008-09-28T21:05:00.003-06:00

I think most everyone has heard this saying, so many times. I actually have thinking a lot about it lately, because I'm realizing how true it really is. Time-worn phrases are time-worn, because they are so useful to explain sometimes difficult concepts and yet so true at the same time.

A friend of mine has a neighbor who spends her life trying to mind the business of all her other neighbors, calling the police on every little thing, getting upset and blowing things out of proportion. While it's never ok, more then a few young teenage boys have selected to play the most awful pranks on this home and family, time and time again. It has reached the point where as one family's boys grow up and become young men, they stop the revenge, only to find that another family's young boys are going through that stage and taking their revenge out on the family. Most recently, my friend's son reported that many of the boys in the high school that don't even live in the same neighborhood talk about this family, as their snoopiness, frequent calls to the police for everything have been shared with so many of the boys' peers as they share their frustration. The actions of this neighbor are legendary at school. Now people far outside the neighborhood travel there to just pull off their pranks.

Can you imagine what kind of a life this woman and her family are living? Some pranks are truly awful, such as feces on the door, to relatively mild, power boxing (shutting off the power from the outside using their power box) the house. My friend has never had anyone try to do anything to her house. I know that she has made efforts to be sociable with the kids in the neighborhood. She'll listen to them and admire their new toys, (motor bikes, scooters, 4 wheelers and what not, I'm sure I don't know what they all are), instead of finding any misuse to immediately call and report to the police. Most every single young boy on her block has had the police called on them at least 2 or 3 times. This is not a neighborhood of juvenile delinquents, or even close. However, the young men are being treated as if they are.

I've been hearing about the stories of this woman for at least 5 years. She carries her behavior out towards others, not just the young men. Her pettiness, rudeness, nasty comments and etc. continue to amaze me to this day.

After hearing the latest tales what's happening in that neighborhood about her life, I kept thinking, how can she not "get it". All this awful stuff that happens to her, how can she not look around and see that no one else has to live with this stuff done to them. I'm definitely not saying any of the actions of revenge are justified. However, an imperfect world has people who are imperfect, and it shouldn't be surprising that some retaliate. How can she not realize that she is sowing some pretty awful seeds of discord and they are definitely being reaped. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I think many of us never really see ourselves honestly, nor see the actions we send out and connect them with what comes back to us.

While this woman lives her life of unhappiness, aggravation, pettiness, and continues to be attacked, everyone else in the neighborhood is going about their lives in peace. She is clearly reaping what she sows. Whether we know it or not, we are all doing the same. What we put out is what we are getting back, day in and day out.

In my life renovation process, I've begun to realize that so many things I blamed on "X, Y and Z" in the past were actually what I was reaping, after some dysfunctional sowing. As I've made changes and made progress in some of the different areas of my life in the last year or two, I've begun to reap so many good things, so many blessings, so many joys.

While I'm only human and have hard times, issues popping up here and there, I'm finding that even amidst and between all this, I have so much joy and happiness coming at me. I constantly marvel now and wonder how I got to be so lucky. My perspective has surely changed from the person I used to be, who felt life was so awful, I wanted to be dead before I hit 50. Taking care each and every day to be grateful for at least 5 things, is causing me to appreciate life, appreciate what's happening to me and revel in it. There are times I have found myself starting to take wonderful things for granted, but as I struggled each day to find my 5 items to put into my gratitude blog, my ability to appreciate, enjoy and savor the joys in my life increased. I wish all of you, my readers a bountiful harvest of life's sweet joys.

The Purpose of Gratitude

2008-09-24T21:38:00.003-06:00

Tonight, as I was writing my 5 items for my daily gratitude log, I realized that one of my items would make a very good blog entry in this blog, which charts my renovated life. I copied and pasted the below entry for you below:

I'm grateful for the fact I do keep a grateful blog. It really does help me to search everyday for a way to be grateful during even things/times I don't like. I was noticing today how beautiful the mountains are and really appreciating it. I was remembering one particular tree that was so gorgeous, that I remembered seeing last week, and relishing the memory of it, as it was no longer looking the same. This year is the first year I've EVER appreciated it, or taken pleasure in it. The reason is my blog. Normally I would get upset when I'd see the leaves start to change, because I hated fall. I hated fall, because winter would be right behind it, or mixed in with it. I hated winter because of the dangerous driving. All that baggage never allowed me to really see it or appreciate it. I remember when I first saw the trees changing this fall, how I struggled inside to try and find some way to be positive about it and to put that gratitude into a in a grateful entry in my gratitude blog. Now, I realize how much I've grown to appreciate something I've always hated, just because I keep the blog, and know that I need to find something in what's happening to be grateful for. Amazing! I will never forget that flaming red huge tree, set off by the small green trees all around that I was stunned by last week. It's a beautiful memory and I'm glad I could appreciate it. I saw the same tree yesterday, and it's lost many leaves, it's no longer the eye catching flaming red. All around it the trees are no longer green. As I drove down the mountain today, I noticed how much I'm observing and relishing the changes in the landscape when I drive now. How awesome it is to be able to take pleasure in things I never would have before. I'm so blessed and so grateful for this change in my life.

My new favorite heroine!

2008-09-22T21:12:00.003-06:00

OK guys, I just got through watching the first half of Dancing with the Stars! I can't believe Cloris Leachman, at 82 years old is competing! 82! She was so funny, putting her leg up on Bruno's desk, kneeling in front of Len, and sitting on Carrie's lap! I want to be as vital, energetic and willing to be me at 82 years old! I'm sure she could think about a lot of reasons for someone her age not to do this. Apparently she has a "can do" attitude and is willing to live life with no excuses! That's who I want to be when I grow up! CAN DO lady, living life with no excuses!

What's New?

2008-09-19T23:05:00.002-06:00

Ok, nothing is really new! I seem to be afflicted by some kind of writer's block! I can't seem to think of things to write about. I started a post titled, "Writer's Block", and it was the most incredibly boring post I think I ever tried to write! Why I feel like I need to put a new entry on my blog, when I never kept a blog before starting this one last spring, I'll never know! To avoid boring anyone (myself included), I'll do a list of the things that are new in how I live my life, since my "renovation" began.

I choose to walk a few blocks for lunch, instead of driving, on Fridays when I have office day.
If I want to go out to eat, go to a movie or do something, I DO it. I don't even care what anyone else thinks if I'm doing social things alone! I don't sit home and watch TV because there was no one to do things with.
I wear clothes that fit, rather than that are very baggy! I don't feel a need to hide the figure, but rather enjoy showing off things, like that I actually HAVE a waist! :)
I will read a book, even if I haven't watched ANY of the shows I recorded that day. (Another way of saying I'm breaking the addiction!) Iactually delete shows I've not watched!
I an extrovert inside and out. I used to say I was an extrovert masquerading as an introvert. I restrained myself so much from just being who and what I wanted to be. The funny thing is I never really understood just how much I did that. I've surprised myself by my behavior sometimes and the fact that I'm willing to just be myself, unapologetically and fully.
I'm open to new people that I meet, rather than closed off with a wall up.
I recognize when I am bringing myself down by allowing a negative thought or two to take root. I set about immediately to fixing my thought process and changing it around. I realize it's true, "If you want to change your life, you MUST change your thinking".
I am HAPPY. NOW! In this moment. Not "when" I get thin, or "when" I meet my life's partner, or "when" I'm not in debt. I'm not wasting time waiting for life to be good or worth living.

Want a good laugh?

2008-09-14T00:57:00.001-06:00

If you want a good laugh, click on the title above or here: http://krullfamily5.blogspot.com/2008/09/middle-wife.html

I'm telling you, this had me in stitches laughing so hard!!! I had to share this!

Changing Patterns

2008-09-13T21:37:00.006-06:00

My efforts to continue to renovate my life continue onward. It's hard to NOT do the things that you usually do, without effort or without giving any thought to them. It's almost like you operate in an unconscious manner, without ever realizing that what you are doing. Sometime deep in the past, certain choices were made. Maybe they were made when tired, when down, or just because they were easy.

The problems begin when bad choices are made. Maybe they didn't seem bad in the moment, or maybe they are just choices that are only good in moderation. Repeated again and again, becoming part of our unconscious patterns of living life, they can become detrimental. We don't realize why our life is deteriorating, or why we're unhappy. We don't realize that we may be doing something to hurt ourselves.

When I began to work on renovating myself and my life some time ago, I really was doing superficial work in the beginning. I worked on changing how I ate and losing weight. Over time, as the emotional anesthesia that my food addictions had created lessened, I became more and more aware of changes I needed to make. No really huge steps, just small ones. Sometimes a small changes would occur, then as some more time passes and a new awareness dawns, a new change occurs.

Now, however, I find myself going deeper and deeper in making changes over the past few months. Believe it or not, the blogging has helped me, as I've explored ideas and written about them. I feel like a lot of changes have come just from that. My gratitude blog that I keep has also helped me to make changes in how I perceive my life, and helped me to be more positive. I'm at the point in my life now that I'm beginning to see some of my patterns and to understand that my "previously unconscious" behavior can and needs to change. To make changes, I have to make conscious decisions and act on them purposefully.

One such pattern was how I choose to use my free time, when I'm off work. Many of the patterns I've spent my life engaging in started from isolation, living alone, and most certainly from years before my cochlear implant, and before technology came along that allow me to be able to contact people anywhere anytime.

When I moved into my first apartment, living alone, 200 miles from home, I didn't know anyone. I was 18 years old. I couldn't use a phone, due to being profoundly deaf. This was back in 1976. There was no personal computer to send email, no instant messaging, no relay. There was me at 18, alone in an apartment, going to a technical school 3 hours a day, far away from home and anything I knew. Lots of time was left over when my homework was done. I couldn't call someone up and talk. I grew up on a farm in the country. I wouldn't have thought to go window shopping, or find ways to entertain myself. My only entertainment was reading and watching TV. Heck, there weren't even captions on the TV at that time, but such was my boredom, I'd spend hours doing it.

I can remember one particular afternoon watching out the window at an quite elderly woman walking slowly down the street. I remember thinking that I knew how isolated and alone she and other elderly people probably felt. I felt at the young age of 18 that I knew what kind of isolation the elderly probably felt. That's a sobering thought. No 18 year old should be living that kind of life. Many years of isolation continued to occur, even though I ended up having some years of roommates. There were more years alone. More years without the technology that makes the life I live today possible. What were my patterns? Sleeping until noon or later on weekends or during time off work. Sitting in front of the TV or reading. I read more before captions came along. After captions came along, I became very addicted to TV.

Thirty years down the road. How did I use my time when I was off work? Same patterns that developed at an age that I wasn't aware of different choices made back when I didn't have/perceive a lot of options, and in a strange city where I knew very few people. (I did have two sisters here, but they were busy with their lives, were far apart in age and we never really hung out.) So here I was, thirty years later, sleeping through much of the weekend. Eating a storm, addicted to TV, doing nothing else really. When I became a teacher, it got even worse. Over the course of the summer my schedule would evolve to where I slept all day when people were up and about, and was awake all night when no one was around.

I wasn't as isolated though. I knew people, I had a career, I had friends. I had lots! Technology entered my life. TTYs and relay entered my life about 20 years ago, but weren't too widely used. First I had a TTY, and could only talk to people who had one. At the time I bought my first TTY, my sister and my mother were the only people I could talk to, and they were long distance. One of my best friends who was also deaf, eventually got one, and that was nice. However, relay took another few years to come out, or for me to know about it. Even once it was there, it wasn't a habit to use a phone, so I often didn't.

Email pagers entered my life about 10 years ago, computers, and instant messaging entered my home around the same time. Also around that time, I got my first implant. I had/have a huge fear of the phone. I'm getting better and better at getting past that. It's funny that I can listen to tons of audio books, without even reading the book first, listen to the radio, and yet a phone scared/scares me. Eventually I got my second implant and life was even sweeter sound-wise. I'm expected to use the phone a bit in my current job, and my work let me pick out one that is compatible with my cochlear implant. Finally, I'm starting to talk to people on the phone and get past that fear.

Wholesale changes of technology and the possibilities with them would be going on in my life, but through unconscious living of patterns from the past, I'd still revert to patterns of old in the use of my free time by 1) sleeping and 2) watching TV. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I'm not living life. No wonder I once wanted to be dead by 50. I wasn't living, I was existing.

I've done a lot to change my patterns, just by living with people. Moving in with my niece and her family helped me to not sleep through the summer. This past summer, I did more with my time than I have during any summer since I first became a teacher 15 years ago. I had a great summer.

As readers of my blog may know, I work two jobs, thus I work 7 days a week. I rarely get a day off. However, through a quirk of how the post office works, temporary employees (non-career employees, which I'm not since my career is teaching), get fired periodically every 3 to 6 months. We're fired for 5 days then "hired back" if they like us. We call them our "5 day break". So wonder of wonders, I've got a 5 day break!

I decided that as part of my changing of my life, I was NOT going to spend my time off engaging in the typical patterns of the last 30 some years. I did sleep in about an hour or more than I am used to, but that is ALL! I'm proud to report that I LIVED today, and had a great time. I started off taking my great niece, 3 year old Dalia to the fair. It was enjoyable to spend bonding time with her at the fair. Soon after I took her to the home, I went out with 4 of my deaf cochlear implanted friends. We planned our trip for next March, when we are all going to Anaheim to "Cochlear Celebration". We had a great time chatting up a storm as well. After dinner we went to the mall shopping, window shopping and just hanging out! We stayed until the mall closed. I came home started typing my blog.

I'm grateful that I am starting to be able to see patterns in my life, to realize more and more the things I need to change, in order to grow and continue to renovate my life. I'm so grateful to enjoy living now and be excited about life and all the possibilities ahead. Today is a sweet victory for me I realized my pattern, made sure to find and choose other alternatives to govern my day. A day that at one time I would have spent in bed or in my recliner, was instead spent mostly on my feet and active. I feel such joy to succeed in my efforts to break a self-defeating pattern!

Here's my great niece at the fair today posing as a "carrot head"! See who I was lucky to spend my time with today!

Too Cute for Words

2008-09-09T19:38:00.003-06:00

Aren't these the cutest bookworms ever? I have the best roommates! ;)

Tagging

2008-09-07T20:47:00.003-06:00

OK, my niece, Cami tagged me by name last month to do this! I was extremely busy, with returning to the 7 day a week work week and many of my committees, and organizations resuming regular meetings. So I got a free pass for a while! Generally, I hate to do tags! However, reading on how parents do things for kids on her blog today, and her "reminder" to her sister on her sister's blog as well today about the "tag", got me thinking! Number 1, I never had kids to stretch me and get me to do things I don't want to do! Sometimes it's good to do things you don't want to do for other! Number 2, I'll let Cami (and my other nieces and any nephews that might want to join in ...though I've never seen them here) be my kids by extension and I'll volunteer to do things for my "kids" that I might not have done otherwise! Hehehe! It's time I reward her patience, and help her egg her sister on by replying to the the last month's tag. :) You're on Ang!

Long Overdue Tag Response
1. Where is your cell phone? Turned off in my purse! It's really a work phone, which is a good excuse not to use it! However, if the truth be known, I'm still scared of phones, so I tend to try and avoid using them. Data communication is more my comfort zone. I've been good and made some calls though in the last month!
2. Where is your significant other? Significant other? Wahhhhhh, I want one! I'm challenging anyone that knows and loves me to look at the men in your life and see if there's anyone you think would be a great match with me, then line me up!!!
3. Your hair? My hair, hanging on my head (and needing a dye job)! Nope, I didn't curl it or fix it up today, as I wanted to just head to work as soon as I could after leaving the comfort of my bed.
4. Your mother? Well, her body is residing in a grave right next to my father's in the Riverside -Thomas Cemetery near Blackfoot. Her soul? Heaven? Here, there, everywhere. I'm sure she checks in on her loved ones at times.
5. Your father? OK, I could copy and paste the answer in number 5 above, substituting where I said "father's" in the first line to "mother's", and changing the pronouns to masculine. However, I let you just read above comments and make the changes yourself as you read!
6. Your favorite thing? Spending time connecting with and doing things with the people I love and the friends in my life. Laughter ranks very high on my list next to being with family and friends. I guess the desire to be with people/doing things with them comes from too many years living alone and being in or feeling isolation.
7. Your dream last night? Did I have any? I know we all dream, but I never seem to remember them with RARE exceptions. One dream I remembered back in 1987 about being given a job in Denver and moving there came true! I was remembering it that morning as I got ready for work. All of a sudden I realized that this job in the company in Denver office would probably be mine if I asked for it. So I went to work and asked for it. Within an hour or so of asking, I had the job. The Denver General Manager was sooooooo excited I wanted the job, he couldn't "pick him self up off the ceiling". The CEO had me up in his office almost immediately after he got the call from the Denver General Manager about my inquiry, making plans with me. All I did was have a dream! I'm hoping for a dream that allows me to see my some possible next big steps....The Everyday Face of Jenny Craig? Motivational speaker for ???, a speaker for Cochlear Americas and how to get there. Who knows?
8. Your dream/goal? Uh....guess I kind of answered this in number 7 above!
9. The room you're in? My downstairs living room.
10. Your hobby? I need some! So far in my life, solitary ones have been about all on my list, like reading and watching TV, with the TV thing taking over way too much. I'm happy to report that has drastically decreased in the last couple months or so. To me the most important things in life are people, so it's hard to find a "thing" that interests me. All I really want is to be with people, hang out with people, connect. However, we are all busy and that can't happen much....so I need to branch out and find "things" that interests me. Anyone that knows my personality and thinks they know something that would "fit" let me know! :)
11. Your fear? I don't fear much. I spent years being afraid of social situations, because I might not be able to hear what people are saying to me, or I've had bad situations when I didn't understand what people were saying. With the cochlear implants, that fear is really gone, and with my self-renovation and increased confidence, I know I can handle anything that would have scared me socially before! I think my biggest fear is always finances, paying all the bills, and then health issues would fall next for either me or anyone I love/care about. I don't entertain thoughts along these lines though. I live in the now and enjoy the now. No sense worrying about what might one day happen (or not happen).
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Number 1: Happy! Down on the list is financially secure, in a career that utilizes my strengths with public speaking, connecting with people, and inspiring others. Ideally there'd be some travel involved in that career! I'd love to be married to the person I've searched for my whole life. However, if that doesn't happen, I know I'll still be happy and finding joy in life.
13. Where were you last night? It was one of those nights where I came home from work and didn't go anywhere. Doesn't happen as much lately, but it does happen.
14. What you're not? Moody. When I was in my 20's I realized I had some tendency to be a little moody. I worked on that consciously for a few years, as I believe no one else should be punished just because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day. I believe I was successful in that effort, as I've discovered some people in my life now who are surprised to find I've ever been moody.
15. One of your wish list items? A group of single friends to hang with, have fun with and meet other people via activities.
16. Where you grew up? Blackfoot, Idaho
17. The last thing you did? Downloaded a free application to my iPhone that allows me to read books on it. The original classic novel, "The Last of the Mohicans" over 1100 pages and Tarzan of the Apes, over 700 pages were already on it! Maybe I'll spend some time reading those...
18. What are you wearing? jeans and a shirt and a hoodie jacket that I got on Catalina Island a year ago (it's cold in the basement).
19. Your TV? It's on the news right now.
20. Your Pet? Haven't had one since my parents got rid of Chipper (my dog) when I was in high school without telling me. Apparently she was seen joining in with the neighborhood dogs chasing sheep (and killing them). So they had to take her to the pound. She had 3 legs and we got her when I was VERY young. So I grew up with her. I was devastated. Since that time though, I've developed allergies, so I don't keep pets.
21. Your computer? Sitting on my desk not being used. I'm typing this on my work laptop, from my couch!
22 Your mood? Pleasant.
23 Missing someone? I miss some of my friends that are so busy with family, or live far away, that I don't get to hang out with them much.
24 Your car? It's a 2004 Suzuki XL7, which is a 4WD SUV. I hate the mileage in this day of steep gas prices. I do love the color of it. It's a very beautiful shade of blue. I love the 4WD part of it when the roads are bad, since I travel in the mountains a lot for my job. I want my next car to be a hybrid 4WD.
25 Something you're not wearing? Makeup. I rarely wear that much anymore. I used to wear it all the time when I was younger. However, mascara tends to flake under my eye, early in the day, the liner smudges and the foundation flakes. Don't know if my skin has gotten drier as I aged or what. However, I found I look so much better without it, than with it looking smudged and flaky. The only time I put it on is for special occasions, which are currently once in a blue moon. I stick with moisturizer and that's about it for every day wear.
26 Favorite store? I've liked the price and some of the offerings in recent times at Shopko, and have been just as into Wal-Mart, Target and K-Mart at various times in the past. I've moved beyond pure thrift store shopping to getting some sales with "thrift store" prices at "Van Heusen's in the Outlet mall in Park City, Christopher and Banks at Fashion Place mall, and TJ Maxx near me. With my size always changing, I have to keep myself in clothes, so my biggest favorite is ALWAYS a bargain.
27 Your summer? Vastly different from any other I've ever had. I traveled a little, lived with a family of little ones, spending lots of time with them, and didn't isolate or sleep through the summer AT ALL. Yes, I have been guilty of that in the past. It was a great summer just because I LIVED, not HIBERNATED.
28 Love someone? My friends, family, children of my heart and etc. and etc.
29 Your favorite color? Green, the color of nature!
30 When is the last time you laughed? I think it was a couple of weeks ago when I had a girl's night out with several of my friends from when I taught in the high school.
31 Last time you cried? Geez, I don't remember! I guess aging brain cells are good for something!

Public Speakers 'R Us

2008-09-03T21:17:00.002-06:00

Just had another fun day with public speaking today. I spoke for a "too short" hour to 100 2nd graders in Kamas! What fun. This despite being asked why I have a bad voice! I even asked how many people thought I had a bad voice, and almost every hand went up! What!!!???? Then I asked how many people understood everything I said? Every hand went up. Hahaha! I told them I figured I had a "great" voice for a deaf person, and if all of them understood everything I say, then I'm doing a superb job! The fact I still loving public speaking after such a tough audience shows I'm a dyed in the wool public speaker!

Looking for a public speaker at your next event? Look no further ladies and gentlemen! I'll wow even the toughest critic! Of course, like all my audiences, by the time I finished with them, they were all my best friends and eating out of my hands! Come one come all! I dare you to see if you can help me fill up my calendar with public speaking events!!! :) Yep, you're right, I did say I believe in dreams. Here's one waiting to be filled!

Memories

2008-08-29T23:34:00.004-06:00

I've grown to have a new appreciation of memories this week. I saw "Mama Mia" a 2nd time this week with a friend of mine. I had just a good time I was practically dancing in my seat. For me it was even better the 2nd time around cause I was relishing sharing a great movie with someone who was loving it every bit as much as I thought she would. After the movie, I downloaded the soundtrack onto my iPhone.

The next day, I listened to the music as I drove. As different songs came on, my memories of particular scenes associated with that song would be flashing through my memories. I found myself reacting with as much joy to the memories, as I did to the actual movie. Wow, what a concept, great memories can continue to bring joy over and over if you appreciate them enough.

I also had downloaded Randy Pausch's book "The Last Lecture". I talked about his lecture in one of my blogs within the last couple of months. In the book, he talked about memories and how important they were for him to build for his children. The children are so young that the youngest most likely won't have any memories of him when she grows up. The oldest would have the most, but he was still too young to have many, and the middle child would have fewer. He thought about the memories he had crystallized from childhood and the experiences that made them memorable, things like the trip to Disney world and others that stayed with him. He was endeavoring to create many experiences in whatever life he had left that would be the kind to stay with them and crystallizes like some of his from similar early ages. It really made me realize how important it was to live life with joy, fully engaged to create the memories that children can treasure as they get older.

In recent evenings at home, I'd been focused on trying to work and finish some projects, as the kids played around me. They enjoy hanging with me or else missed me enough (I've rarely been home in recent weeks) to hang out and play in my part of the house, even though I was not even engaging with them. I determined I was going to go home and be fully engaged and joyful, interacting in ways to build positive memories. I had bought two $10 shirts that day, I wanted to try them on when I got home. Dalia tried one on while I tried on the other, then we swapped shirts. I actually snapped a picture of her in my yellow shirt, then after we snapped that picture, we swapped shirts and we decided to take a picture of both of us wearing the shirts. I've included them here!
Don't we looked like we were having lots of fun and thoroughly enjoying ourselves. Who knows, maybe even building a memory. The evening wasn't over. Dalia LOVES Mama Mia and has seen it twice herself. Mackie and Dalia listen to the soundtrack in the car with their mom. I pulled out my iPhone instead of watching one of my shows, we all three were huddled together, laughing, singing and enjoying the soundtrack. Rather than being focused on myself and my needs, I focused on building some delightful memories. Hopefully some day a few of the memories might survive to their adulthood and they will remember me fondly, whether I'm here in person and they get to reminisce, or whether I have passed on.

Another thing I discovered is that we have the power to control how we remember things that happen that are not great things to remember, maybe even negative. Yesterday I had some things happen that were upsetting in one way or another. One event was putting some papers on my car, in the middle of transferring things from the state vehicle to my personal vehicle. These papers were separated out from everything else, because they were my most important papers, that I wanted to put in an easily accessible place. Long story short, I forgot I put them up there, and drove off. They blew out of the binder they were in about 5 blocks away. I didn't realize at first where the papers flying around behind me were coming from. I was sick inside when I realized what was happening and figured I couldn't possibly retrieve them. I was going to Just drive home, sick inside and worried about not only my missing information but the papers blowing around that would violate many students' privacy. Instead, due to so many of the changes I've undergone in my personal renovation, I was willing to go back, try to figure where they started blowing and try to retrieve them. I walked two long blocks, retrieving some papers from the middle of the street when there was a break in traffic, some from gutters, and some from lanes during traffic breaks and some from lawns and etc. I was so proud of myself for being willing to be proactive and try to limit the damage. The upshot, so far, it seems that there are only two papers from that pile that are missing. I retrieved the rest. Even the tire damaged ones were readable where they needed to be. At the time I wrote my gratitude log last night, I didn't yet know how much I'd recovered and how much I hadn't. However I wrote about how grateful I was for the change in me that allowed me to be proactive and try to limit damage, rather than just slinking off and driving away, really sick inside about students personal information flying around the streets, and all the missing information. Today, when I thought about what happened, my memory that flashed through was a positive one, and it was all about my personal growth and how I handled it, not about what happened, or damaged papers.

I also had an upsetting phone call about an erroneous bill with a customer service representative that was misinformed and created a lot of conflict. After the call I found some documentation that will help me in my case and it helped me to realize the customer service operator was wrong and that I had proof of it. I even found something to be grateful about in that situation. I was grateful for the documentation I found. Even though the situation isn't over, and there will be more long calls and possible aggravation ahead, I documented the part I was grateful about. My memory today? Not the extremely aggravated and emotionally upset one from the phone call, but rather the gratefulness at what I found. My attempts to be grateful, to find something to have gratitude for, no matter how difficult, is shaping my memories making them good, where otherwise they would have been upsetting, aggravating or unsettling.

My summary of what I've learned about memories this week.

If we relish and enjoy the moments, being grateful for awesome experiences as we live them, we can relive the joy when the memories are activated.
Endeavor to live life more fully engaged and in an effort to build wonderful memories for the people you care about in your life, so that whether it's while you're alive, or after you pass on, you can still bring joy. The joy will be in the memories of those you love when they think of you and fondly, perhaps if we're lucky lovingly reminisce.
Find a way to be grateful for or to find a way to be positive about your negative experiences. To do so appears to cause them to lose some of their negative power to some degree. Rather, the positive things you attempt to create become a big part of what flashes through your mind when your memory of the event is activated.

Go out and live the memories that you want to have in your tomorrows!

Back By Popular Demand!

2008-08-26T21:56:00.004-06:00

Ok, ok, my title is really my attempt to be funny! I've been extremely busy since starting my school year, and almost at the same time, having my social life take a jump, on top practically every committee I'm on scheduling meetings! I haven't had time to be "insightful" about anything! I like to try to do insightful entries on occasions, showing my "renovation journey". Tonight, I decided to try and do a statistics entry to answer question posed by one dear reader who wanted to know "Where are thou?" :)

#of days I have worked without a day off: 11
# of days until my next day off: 5
# of days off at that future date: 1
# of teachers emailed in last 2 weeks: >150
# of meals out in 2 weeks: 8
# of pounds gained in 2 weeks: 7
# of evenings I got to spend at home in 2 weeks: approx: 4-5
average time of arrival home on evenings NOT spent at home: 9:00 p.m.
# of miles I drive on average, per day: 110
# of school buildings I've visited in 4 days on the road: 14
# of works days I spent without a desk to work at due to office move: 5
# of days my office has been unpacked: 0
# of days until my office gets unpacked: 30??? 60???
# of students I will visit with tomorrow: 14
# of schools I will travel to visit above students: 8
# of hours i will commute tomorrow: 3
# of days I didn't write down 5 things to be grateful for: 0

I may be having just a little difficulty adjust from working 2 days a week, to this schedule now that summer is over and I'm back teaching. However, I'm sure in a jiffy I will get used to my schedule and maybe it will even calm down a little. I'm still keeping positive and I'm trying to get back on track with the Jenny Craig stuff. I WILL lose the weight I gained from all the dining out!

I do keep a gratitude log daily, as you noticed from my last statistic above. I have actually been keeping the gratitude log in a personal gratitude blog, that is separate from this blog and is password protected. It is more private. I've decided that in the interest of time, I will no longer include my 5 daily gratitudes in this blog. It's too much duplication to repeat them twice.

I'm firmly convinced in the importance of keeping my gratitude blog. It keeps my mind looking for positives each and every day. I find I can not be focused on negatives or obsessed with them, if I'm focusing on looking for things to be grateful for. On hard days, it's a struggle to find the 5 things to be grateful for, but those are the days it's the most important days to do it. It's a form of "counting your blessings" and a way to keep adjusting and re-adjusting the attitude towards the positive. When I analyze a day, if I'm so busy looking hard for 5 things to be grateful for, I can't look at the day in a negative light. If I look at the day in a negative light, I can't find 5 things to be grateful for at all. Another discovery: If I'm able to live my day so that I am looking for the things to be grateful for in the moments, as they are happening, I find my day becomes a joyful exercise in appreciating life while it's being lived. That is a higher level that I want to be able to sustain on a daily basis, and is a goal for me.

Who's your best friend?

2008-08-17T23:43:00.004-06:00

Now that sounds like a real obvious question, that I asked in the title. It's not. Mainly because I'm going to build an argument for someone that you might not have considered. I think at some point in our adult lives, all of us realize that there's only one person we can really count on. One person that will never leave us. One person who truly cares about our welfare. No, not your parents, your sibling, your spouse, your children. None of these people people, despite how much you love each other is the person I think should come to mind. I'm going to propose that we need to be our own best friend.

Think of the best friend you've had. Do you have fun with them? Were they positive people who made you feel good about yourself? Would you ever do anything but try to make them feel good about themselves? Were you kind to each other and helpful? Think of the qualities that makes someone a best friend. Helpful, thoughtful, listens to you, compassionate, fun, and etc. Do you shun at looking at yourself in the mirror, and when you see yourself, immediately criticize your appearance? Would you do that to your best friend? When you see your best friend, you're never noticing the wrinkles, the messy hair, or anything else. You're usually noticing the smile, the good humor, and all the things you like about them. We need to do the same to ourselves.

I've gone from criticizing myself in the mirror to seeing the face of a friend! It can happen. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I give myself a big smile! I notice the nice things about myself. It's taken time and years to work on self-esteem, to work on being positive about myself, and to dismiss the negative judgements that others make about me. The negative opinions of some in my life regarding me or my character doesn't matter. The only person who's opinion matters is mine! I've gotten so much better at handling the judgements thrown my way, because I truly know who I am and who I am working to be. I also take care of myself and my emotional well being instead of being hard on myself.

One of the common things I've heard people do, is to "break a diet" and then tear themselves apart for their lapse. Of course I don't believe in diets, or in labeling food as good food and bad food, then judging ourselves if we ate bad food. However, I've seen people do this and put themselves in a tail spin over that. Would you tell your friend that the food they just ate was bad for them, they ruined their diet, and they have no will power? Never, not if you're a good best friend. I always eat what I want, no judgements ever, and then work it into my program, in whatever way I can. I'm not a bad person if I ate the home made cookie that my niece made, or the cinnamon roll in the bakery or whatever it was that is not in my program. I'm not lacking will power because I ate that. No, I just wanted a cookie, cinnamon roll or what not. No judgements needed. Instead of wasting time and energy with a "broken diet negativity " (which I've never done since by my definition, I'm not on a diet), I just make adjustment to my program and figure out how to either make room for it that day, or to continue to stick with the program with the next meal or snack. This is one way of treating yourself just as compassonately as you would your best friend.

I have another example from about 20 years ago. I wasn't as far along in terms of a positive self-esteem as I am now, but here and there I did an awesome job of being my own best friend. One day I was really upset about something that happened as a result of my deafness. This was pre-cochlear implants, so I really had many more struggles then. I was left out, lost, confused and really hurt by the isolation that was happening to me in a social situation. It was not a single situation that made me cry and feel broken-hearted, but rather, just the straw that broke the camel's back. That day, when I went home, I stood in front of the mirror and talked to myself for about an hour. Seeing myself in the mirror made me see me as a person to be treasured, rather than as someone to be upset with or be negative about. I can still see myself as I looked then. I started trying to find a positive spin what was upsetting to me, to counsel the person bawling in the mirror, the same way I do when someone (best friend, student or family member) is upset. I listened to my problems, then I tried to find a positive way to look at the situation and not tear myself apart.

As a result, I ended up giving myself one of the greatest pep talks I ever had. By the time the hour had gone by, instead of a bawling, falling apart mess, I was laughing. My skin still splotchy and swollen from the crying jag that preceded it, but the laughter, the smile and etc. breaking through. While looking at myself in the mirror, I saw so many positive things about me that I never would have seen if I hadn't been looking in the mirror and seen a person that needed my help and compassion. I even complimented myself on how good that I looked that day, even crying and all! I never forgot about that.

I didn't remember that and follow that example for much of my life. Had I worked to always take care of myself, seen myself as a valuable person in the mirror, like I did that day; I might have avoided some pretty depressing years. I might have not needed to renovate my life, like I am now. There is no blame there though. I've obviously been on a journey through life, and need to learn and to grow. I'm on the path now to something great, it doesn't matter how long it's taking me to get there or how many times I've fallen down on the way. All of it is making me who I am today. I'm grateful for who I am today.

Today after I got off work, I needed something. I was hankering for a best friend to go to dinner with, go to the movies or the mall and hang out with. I wanted something fun to end my weekend that is never really fun, since I work the entire weekend and the entire week. I have lots of good friends and people I would have loved to be with. However, just about every one of them has a family, spouses and other responsibilities. It's not like my early 20's when all my friends were single and unattached, and at the spur of the moment, we could get together and do things. Now, doing things have to be planned in advance, and there are times even those plans fall apart because of responsibilities going on in my friend's lives. So instead of being melancholy about the fact that I'm still single and unattached and wanting some companionship, where there was none avaiilable at the spur of the moment, I decided to be my own best friend tonight.

I took myself out to dinner. I hung around with myself while I tried to find things that I wanted to do. Unfortunately, not everything worked out, but I did try a few things. I tried the mall, but it was closing up. I wanted to find a new park to go walking in, but instead, found the place the map on my iPhone was leading me to was a building that was a recreational center, run by the city Park's department! :) I ended up near a theater and and almost took myself to the movies, but decided at the last minute, that there wasn't anything I wanted to see that was showing there before 10:00 p.m. That would be much too late for my schedule. However, just trying to hang with myself, find something fun to do, just helped my mood, and made me feel I was important, even if most things didn't pan out. I also resolved in the future to find more things going on in the world around me to do, and do them. It doesn't matter if I do everything alone. I always will have my best friend with me!

Most of the weekends, when I'm doing 7 day work weeks, I have tended to try to give myself some "me" time by closing the door to my apartment after I get off work and spending time alone. However, I realized how much I missed the kids now that I'm working and gone more. I know at least one of the kids (yep Dalia) wants to be down here with me much of the time when I'm home, which isn't much now. However, because I'd taken care of trying to meet my needs, failed attempts and all; my emotional equilibrium was much more balanced when I finally came home. I was ready to greet the little kids that were waiting when I got home, and spend any time with them that they wanted and to want it too! Dalia was at the door when I came home, as excited to see me as I was to see her, and wanting to come downstairs with me. Since I was "balanced" (due to my best friend trying to take care of me) I was able to be enthused and excited to be with her and to hang with her downstairs, instead of thinking I needed "me" time.

We can be our own best friend, and in doing so bring out our best selves. When we have people around to share in our lives, we can enjoy every moment with them. However, if there's no one else there, we still have a great and valuable friend around, if we just learn to be kind to ourselves and to value ourselves. When we love ourselves, our reservoir is filled. When it's filled we are able to give of ourselves unselfishly, treasure and truly love others.

Gratitude log:

I'm grateful for little Dalia. I truly had a wonderful time in the hour or so I spent with her between getting home and bedtime.
I'm also grateful for little Mackie. He came down wearing his sister's dress and giving me a good laugh. He is so cute, no matter what he wears or doesn't wear!
I'm grateful for the journey I'm on. It's awesome to no longer feel my life is stagnating and falling apart, but rather that it's a joyous and wondrous jouorney to a future I'm eagerly anticipating.
I'm grateful for the end of my post office work week. It's always nice when it's over and I have 5 days off before I go back again.
I'm grateful for my best friend, me! As you can tell, she's really been and awesome friend lately and I appreciate that. I may sound schizophrenic, but I really am grateful. She's a pretty cool lady! :)

Visual Gratitude Log

2008-08-13T22:32:00.006-06:00

Today I got a bright idea and did something different. I actually took picures of the things I was grateful for. Hope you enjoy!

1. I'm grateful for lakes. I enjoy them whether they're resevoirs or lakes. I had lunch today as I looked at Echo Reservoir (top). Then on the way to Kamas from Coalville, I drove past Mirror Lake (bottom). They are fun to see, to relax by and to recreate in.

2. I'm grateful for Fruit n' Yorgurt parfaits at McDonalds. I can always look forward to this afternoon snack at the McDonalds by the Park City exit on the freeway, just before I head for home.
3. I'm grateful for captioned TV in public places! I love it everytime I find a TV with captions in a public place, so I can enjoy it too. I got to enjoy my McDonald's snack while I watched CNN captioned!
4. I'm grateful for public trash cans! Yes! When you travel all day in your car, garbage easily piles up. It's nice to be able to dump all my water bottles, pop cans, lunch packagaing, snack packaging piling on the seat next to me, when I see one of those right by me.

5. I'm grateful for the feeling of the sun on my face. I couldn't quite take a picture of the sun shining on me. Taking a picture of what I could see in the sky above me seemed like the next best thing!

Whew! Getting this all set up in the blog was hard, but it was a fun day! I wasn't happy with my gratitude log yesterday. I felt like I was just looking back at the day, trying to find something to be grateful for, rather than living gratefully. Today, I made sure I was looking hard for things to be grateful for and documenting it. The result? I felt my day was so much fuller of joy and bliss. Looking hard for things to be grateful for and making sure I acknowledged them right then and there had an impact on me. Today was so good, that I decided to duplicate my gratitude log here on my regular blog, not write about anything else today.

Future Jenny Craig Coommercial?

2008-08-09T19:20:00.004-06:00

Camera focuses briefly on words, or narrator says: Based on true story. (Because this really happened this week!)

Scene: Car with a mom driving a car, 3 year old in their car seat in the back, with Ann sitting next to mom in the front.

3 year old: Mom, I'm hungry.

Mom: We're going home right now and I will make you some lunch. What do you want for lunch?

3 year old: I like Ann's food!

Camera focuses on Ann's before and after picture, then fades! :)

Simple commercial but get's the message how delicious the food is, and how easy the program is if a 3 year old prefers their food over anything else! :) What do you think?

Want a New Body?

2008-08-09T00:45:00.004-06:00

I'm a little hyper and overexcited today! It's another awesome day! Of course I started out the day perfectly, with a present of a 4.2 lb loss this week!!!!!!! YAY!!! Last week I was so thrilled to be just under 20 lbs from goal. This week I all of a sudden found myself at 15.5 lbs from goal! For the running tally, it's now 214.6 lbs loss. I'm so excited, I need to find some time to go try on my pants that have been very tight on me and see if there is any more give and they are any looser! First, I'll finish my blog! It's 1:00 in the morning, I have a meeting to be to at 8:30 in the morning, but I'm ready to go run in and try on clothes! Dear me!

Today I went into the office to do some moving. We've been moving our office this summer. Up until today, they hadn't not put our carousels together, so we had no desks and were unable to do a thing. They finally built "most" of the desk, except mine....even though I'm the first one to start back to schools, as my school districts start the earliest. I return to work for the year on Monday.

That however isn't what I want to write about. I want to write about the moving. When I showed up, there was a lot needing to be done. There were two people there. They had been working for a while, but there were still a ton of boxes piled in the center of the room. We decided to take the boxes and put them by the desk of the person they were labeled as belonging to, as a way to get the mess in the center of the room. One of the two people there is a YOUNG girl, 20 something. She is our aide, and just graduated from college this spring. She hasn't quit yet. Now when I tell you that her new profession is a "professional trainer", you can imagine what kind of shape and condition she is in.

Well, guess what, this 50 year old woman, and this young 20 something personal trainer were doing the "heavy" work! ME!!! The woman who couldn't move a thing on her own, except her oxygen tank, in a move 2 1/2 years ago!! Guess who can now squat properly, to use appropriate technique for using the thighs to lift and not the back, when a box is on the floor! Now I have to be humble enough to admit that I was still nowhere as good as the personal trainer was. Of the two of us, she was the "muscles" doing the heaviest part when we moved the file cabinets, armoirie type furniture and etc. I didn't compare to her. However, ladies and gentlemen.....I was NO slouch!I was just so amazed at what I could do today! Where did this new body come from? How could I do all this! How could it not be killing me? How could I still have all this energy and enthusiasm tonight after the hard work? How could I be dancing around as I listen to my music on my iPhone? How, how, how? I feel like the bionic woman! I feel like someone just came and took that old awful, terrible body away from me.

That body was the one that couldn't walk 10 feet without getting blue lips, even while breathing oxygen from my oxygen tank! That body belongs to the woman who couldn't stand for more than 1 minute or two (that was stretching it when I said two), without my feet hurting and having to sit down. That body belongs to a woman who STILL has MULTIPLE health problems. The person in that body fell to the couch the minute she got home from work (after sitting all day), and didn't move again, except for bathroom breaks, until time to go to work the next morning. I'm NOT kidding! I got so I slept in my chair 99% of the time. I got so that I changed clothes once a day, after waking up in the morning in yesterday's clothes! Doesn't that sound like someone living a nightmare? It was life as I knew it then, but sounds like a nightmare to me now.

How did I get this body? I can work out at the gym and not seem to break a sweat. I used to sweat if I was on my feet more than a minute. I can stand for a whole long time now. I can walk quite a distance to boot! I can dance around, do almost anything I need to do. I feel like a walking miracle today.

Another thought popped in my head just as I was thinking and writing the above paragraph. I am partly bionic anyway, when you think about it, I hear with "two artificial ears". My cochlear implants are today's miracle. I live in a delightful world of sound, beautiful sound. I hear the sweet voice of the toddlers I live with. I hear the music on the iPhone, the short story on my podcast, the current events on the radio! That in itself is a miracle, but I got that by surgery.

This new body, has had no other surgery of any type! No gastric bypass! I probably will never have any plastic surgery . Believe me I can now love my body, flabby skin and all. I won't need to do plastic surgery. Five years ago I was living in the depths of depression. I was hopeless. I NEVER wanted to be 50. I felt life was "OVER" for me.

Today, I'm so happy I make myself sick!!! I probably make other people sick too! :) I'm 15 1/2 lbs from my goal weight. I'm able to stand, walk, lift carry and do all the other things that once seemed to be too much for me. Ain't life grand folks? It all started with first, the power of example (Dick), then the power of the mind as I took the journey I've been on. If I can do this, what can YOU do, if you put your mind to it? Think about it! Your power is your mind. I didn't do it alone (thank heavens for Jenny Craig and for the people in my life). Whatever your dream, put your mind to it and find the tools that you need to find a new life. I now remain firmly convinced that we can always reinvent/renovate ourselves and find our miracles.

Gratitude Log

I'm grateful I had a good week weight loss wise. I had my slowest quarter since joining Jenny Craig, losing 13 lbs in 12 weeks. Then I finally get reinvigorated again, create some strategies to deal with today's challenges, and I have a week where I lost 4 1/2 lbs! Awesome!

I'm grateful for the new body I have! It's like a dream come true.

I'm grateful for raspberries. No, not the fruit! The kind that you blow when playing with little kids. They are fun to give and feel great to give. I'd blow a raspberry on Dalia's arm, then another arm, as she would dissolve into giggles after each one. I found they are sure pleasurable and would giggle myself as she would blow them on me. We had fun experimenting with where we could blow raspberries. They don't work on chins and foreheads. Must use arms, legs, cheeks, and tummies!

I'm grateful my post office shift for tomorrow got picked up. I have a 4 or 5 hour board meeting (it's a very important meeting to be scheduled for that long) tomorrow morning. I was really worried about someone picking up my shift, as the work volume has increased and not many people are wanting to pick up extra shifts. However, I went in tonight and found that while many shifts on the trade sheet for tomorrow were not picked up, mine was! Yay.

I'm grateful for my brother. I only have one and he is very special to me. I feel lucky to have grown up with him. Tonight I was looking at pictures and videos my sister sent, from our trip to Idaho. I loved looking at the pictures of my brother, and especially us together. You can see on my face how clearly overjoyed I am to see him, and I think he looks happy to be with Sallie and I.

Sharing Pictures

2008-08-06T01:06:00.005-06:00

I felt like I had a lot to be grateful for today. Amongst them, the two little ones falling asleep (finally) in the chair next to me, and being able to snap their pictures. Aren't they precious?

Then this sweet little girl begging me to not close my door for the night while she was gone with her daddy. She wanted to come home and spend time to me when she got home. (Doesn't that just melt your heart?). Below is a picture of her when she first got home and came running to be with me. The 2nd picture is her clowning around for the camera.

Such a sweet face, don't you think?

These little ones make my day special so many times. Not least of all, today! I had a ball. I'm grateful for them!

Self Perception

2008-08-03T21:23:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about how I perceive myself. I had thought that I had learned to be positive about myself. Most of my conscious thoughts about myself are very positive. However, I caught myself thinking a thought about what a truly terrible person I really am. I was shocked to realize that thought was even there. I spent some time analyzing why did I even think that? Where did this negative self-perception come from? How did I not realize that in my unconscious that thought was hiding there.

I was ready to blame others, including family, who've said negative things about my character in the past, thinking that I believed them, just because we always believe our family members are the ones who tell us the truth that no one else will. I figured something had stayed there and I'd never done anything but just believe the negative. However, as I analyzed the things that I remember being said to me in the past, I realized that was NOT where the blame lay. I am more skilled these days at not believing other's perceptions of me, whether from long ago, or more recent times. I'm more able to realize that what others are saying is only about their perceptions, not about the truth.

However, the more I thought about it, I realized that it was unfair to lay any blame at their feet. I couldn't think of anything that would lead to the thought I found hiding in my subconscious. What was the real truth? I finally realized that I was the person responsible. I was judging me. I knew every thought that goes through my mind, I knew how I perceived things. I knew the wrongs I'd done or thought in the past. With that knowledge, I judged me! I was the one that attacked myself and this led to the core belief about myself that was hiding in my subconscious much to my shock and dismay. I realized that I had more work to do. I needed to analyze the things that caused the negativity, and then to forgive what needed to be forgiven. I needed to be understanding and tolerant of things internally and lead myself to positivity in those areas. That's what I've been thinking about and working on this weekend. Truly learning how to make sure the positivity I've built about myself, is more than skin deep, and goes to the core beliefs that I hold internally.

In reading today I came across this statement.

"In attacking others, we attack ourselves. In forgiving others, we forgive ourselves."

It's ringing a bell for me. I'm not sure yet all of the ramifications of this, as I need to think about it more. However, probably the thoughts I've had that are uncharitable and unkind (which I never would say), were attacks. I did attack myself, because I let myself down in allowing myself to judging and think harshly. I need to make sure that I forgive wrongs, because holding the grudges and the feelings, doesn't allow me to forgive myself for that which I need to forgive.

I've made lots of progress in working on my thinking and positivity in general during the last year. I also think that in general, I'm kind and charitable in my thoughts, about the people in my life. However, there are times that isn't true. This is what I need to work on now. The fallout from attacking others in my thoughts, only attacks me. The refusal to truly forgive some things, is causing me to not forgive myself. I've got my work cut out for me. I now know what my next area of learning and growth needs to be in.

Gratitude Log

I'm grateful for the warmth from the sun. Today at lunch, I went outside and read. It was wonderful to feel the warmth of the sun, as I remember so many days in the winter and during stormy times I miss this.
I'm grateful for the beauty of the mountains. I was looking at them today from the window at work. It's something I take for granted, living in a valley. They are truly majestic.
I'm grateful for stories to read and get engrossed in. I'm reading the 4th book of a series and loving every minute of it.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and to grow. I look back at the changes in my life over the past few years, and am so glad that I started this journey, took my first steps to change, and that I can continue to do so.
I'm grateful for my gratitude logs. I now keep them every day. I'm starting to see a few things happen where I can see my perception changing and more positivity and enjoyment coming because I work so hard to find 5 things every single day to be grateful about, no matter how hard the day was. It's nice to see my gratitude and enjoyment of life grow through them.

Guilty?

2008-07-31T23:08:00.002-06:00

I caught myself feeling guilty that I hadn't blogged in here for a while. I apparently caught some kind of bug this week. I ended up spending 2 full days pretty much chained to my bed. I don't know what I had, I only know that if I stayed in bed and didn't move, I felt fine. If I left my bed, I was hit with waves of nausea and dizzyness. The said nausea and dizzyness wouldn't go away until I was back in bed. If the dizzyness and nausea wouldn't dissipate after returning to bed, then I just had to go to sleep. When I woke up, I felt great....as long as I didn't move! If I tried to read or watch TV, the dizzyness would often return. Of course, my cure for that was simply going back to sleep. I think I probably ended up sleeping around 20 hours during the first 24 hours of being sick.

Tuesday I pretty much lost everything I tried to eat. I lost all motive to get out of bed, to get food as a result. The good thing was, that if I didn't eat, I didn't feel at all like I would need to vomit. I experienced no twisting, turning abdominal pains that I've experienced with other stomach flus. Wednesday, I managed to keep all food down, but still had some residual dizzyness and nausea. Today, I decided to try a return to life! Other than being tired and a tad dizzy once or twice, all was well during the entire day. We celebrated one of my nephew's birthday this evening at the Texas Roadhouse. I managed to enjoy both the food and the company!

I hope no one else out there experiences this weird "sickness". I keep wondering if it's really something contagious, or something weird my body does. This is the second time I've had the exact same sickness in the last 3 or 4 months. It might even be the 3rd. The last time I was a little sick, it didn't mimic this as perfectly, but it was close. So three times in the last four months seems a bit much. A bug, or something upset in my body chemistry? Only time will tell.

I guess the good thing is, that after every time that I've come down with this, it's the one sickness that I've not seen anyone in my household come down with. I don't like being sick at all, but I can be grateful that at least I don't feel miserable while in bed! By day two, I could read, watch TV, play games on my pager and keep myself pleasantly entertained. While it may not be a horrible illness, I'm crossing my fingers that I don't experience it again in the near future!

Gratitude Entry:

I'm grateful to be feeling all better!
I'm grateful that all it took to feel better when I sick, was just a nap.
I'm grateful to be able to be around people today. I was missing the people in my life during the last couple of days.
I'm grateful for family and enjoying time with them. We celebrated Mike's birthday tonight, and I did enjoy being with everyone.
I'm grateful for good food! Texas Roadhouse has become my new favorite with some of the delicious food they have!

It's all about Jenny...

2008-07-25T19:57:00.002-06:00

Last week, I had thought that my Jenny Craig local center manager was trying to get me an appointment to meet with some national Jenny Craig people. I was more than a little disappointed. When I told myy Jenny Craig counselor of my disapointment last Friday she told me that that would be in the office this week, who was the boss of the local center manager. She said she'd help make it possible for me to meet this person.

I received an email from my counselor, telling me that the person could meet with me today, after my regular appointment. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to going in today! I dressed up to the nines, wore a blake and white skirt/blouse combo, where the blouse is tucked in, and the great belt with the skirt is showing. I felt it made me look even skinnier! :) I added black and white accessories, that I thought added to the outfit. To top it all off, I did my makeup and curled my hair. I hoped to make a great first impression.

I think I was successful! I met a woman named Carmen today. She was so warm and friendly, just exactly the type of person I click with so easily. She asked me right off the bat if she could hug me! Of course she could!!! :) She had been training a bunch of new Jenny Craig employees. They all came out and listened in while we talked, so I ended up having an "audience". I thrive when I do public speaking. It's my "thing"! It's my life's dream to be a public speaker. Someday, I hope to do that full time, but for right now, my dream is to be a Jenny Craig National Spokesperson. I talked to the audience, told her what I wanted to do, and answered some questions people threw at me. I had Carmen in tears at one point. She actually reached for kleenex, as I'd touched her. One of the women told her, I'd much rather have been listening to her today (meaning me), than watching the film we just watched!!!

She took some pictures of me, and was taking them with her to something in Denver, and then I think the next place was something in Las Vegas. She's going to be back in the area in 3 weeks. She is apparently going to talk to people for me! We will see where we can go with this. I feel very positive about the interaction today. I don't know where this is all going to go, but as I told her, "I'm not afraid to dream anymore, and I have a dream." I think I can inspire, and I want to do that. So everyone in my corner out there. Send out good positive vibes and thoughts out to help reach me on my way to my goal!

The events of today caused me to think of how nearly 3 years ago, after Dick's death and under his inspiration I decided to "start over". The steps I took led me to Jenny Craig, even though I only hoped at the time for some success in the weight loss area. I think I was guided there. If I end up being able to change careers and continue making over my life by a career of some sort with Jenny, I will be going in directions I couldn't have even envisioned at that time. My vision was much to small and narrow. Now my visions and dreams are exciting and life affirming. I actually believe in having a dream and going for it. I can't wait to see what unfolds for me in the weeks and months ahead. I know one thing. I'm EXCITED for my future.

Gratitude Entry:

I'm grateful for direction my life has been going, and for the role Jenny Craig has played in my life.
I'm grateful for sales. I caught a good deal at the mall today, and managed to get a blouse for $6.00! Loved that.
I'm grateful for innovative products. At the mall today, my feet were aching a little on my too thin soled sandals. I saw a pair of foam sandals at a steal ($9) and got them. The whole rest of the day I felt I was walking on clouds.
I'm grateful for chocolate dipped strawberries. I treated myself to two of these delicacies at the mall. Mmmmmmm good!
I'm grateful for good books. I've rarely made time to read in recent years, despite always enjoying good books. I started reading the Twilight series and am having a great time! I'm almost ready to start the 2nd of the 3 books, even though I just started the first book of 500 pages yesterday!